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Thread: Once Upon a Hero.

  1. #1
    Soule
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    Once Upon a Hero.

    Chapter one - The Man of Steel
    By: The Witness




    Downing a bottle of beer, I look around, I hope nobody is near,
    My problem is clear, my confidence is rotting while I'm dropping a tear,
    Casting my mind to a happier time, when I was actually fine
    Grabbing some wine, I remove the cap, sit back and recline,
    While the track of my mind, rewinds, and moves backwards in time,

    *Is it a bird, is it a plane?*

    The wind roars in my face, as I soar, in the sun's glorious rays,
    Every pore screams for 'more' of my notorious pace,
    People thank me, frankly, for finding the evil bank thief,
    I'm dazzling, shining, as a camera's snapping me and my white teeth,
    My masterful eyesight, brings me success in my crime fight,
    The 'S' on my chest makes me blessed, as I rest in the limelight,
    I jump in to the sky, to the delight of millions of eyes,
    I catch the wind, and I fly...such a brilliant goodbye...

    *Back to the future*

    ...My faces' freckled skin, forms a deeply regretful grin,
    Death and sin have settled in, it pains me to let them win,
    Flicking ash in the tray, no passion, a message I have to relay
    Don't live for others, it's your life, grasp it and play,
    I stare at my cape, simply wishing the thing would wither and burn,
    Then, caught by a cold wind, it is taken...and never returned.



    Chapter Two - The Day Walker
    By: Outsider



    Standing in the dark, planning to carve a blood suckers spleen,
    and the moonlight marks where I start to continue another spree.
    Blade at the side, shades tint my eyes to extend the disguise,
    name's on the mind of my prey as he tries to blend in the night.
    Vampires disgust me, an empire of ugly parasites jumping,
    onto one thing, sucking it dry till it dies, just like a blood link.
    but who am I, you must be wondering, a mysterious crusade,
    slayer of beasts, the savior unleashed, after this serious plague.
    With my scope on his head, and silver rope around his legs...
    one little tug and this fuck will know why I'm blade!

    After a lifetime of pain, I've mastered the right kind of game,
    killing everyday without change, still twenty nine years of age.
    No emotion or motive, just an ocean to flow with on my own,
    a river of blood, getting thicker as it floods this soul and bones.
    nothing to live for, wanting to give more than fear and hate,
    there is something inside me that's fighting to clear the slate.
    A hundred years without a grave, no mate to give me reason,
    can't stomach doubt or shame... black clouds drain this demon.
    Ultimate goals in life, no oath or wife to protect or hold,
    and so I dissect these drones while my flesh gets cold.

    Is there really a reason to keep fighting, after we've lost everything?

  2. #2

  3. #3
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    Re: Once Upon a Hero.

    This was some cool shit. Nice writing to both of you. Witness, this is the first I've ever read from you and I was pleasantly impressed. Very good imagery, great multis and internals, making it flow smoothly. Very well detailed, quite enjoyable to read. Dagel, I've read your writing quite a bit and this didn't disappoint, good imagery and story telling from you, nice emotion too. I saw lots of multis but, I've seen more in the past, but in the past you've had slick rhyme schemes go over my head so that could be the case here. Either way, another enjoyable stanza in this cool colab. Good work guys.
    infektedpenz


  4. #4
    Soule
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    Re: Once Upon a Hero.

    FYI. All links will be responded to.

  5. #5
    The Witness. Witty's Avatar
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    Re: Once Upon a Hero.

    Up, up, and away!!!

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  6. #6
    Trajik Viewz Str8 JackIt's Avatar
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    Re: Once Upon a Hero.

    Chapter one - The Man of Steel
    By: The Witness




    Downing a bottle of beer, I look around, I hope nobody is near,
    My problem is clear, my confidence is rotting while I'm dropping a tear,
    Casting my mind to a happier time, when I was actually fine
    Grabbing some wine, I remove the cap, sit back and recline,
    While the track of my mind, rewinds, and moves backwards in time,

    *Is it a bird, is it a plane?*

    The wind roars in my face, as I soar, in the sun's glorious rays,
    Every pore screams for 'more' of my notorious pace,
    People thank me, frankly, for finding the evil bank thief,
    I'm dazzling, shining, as a camera's snapping me and my white teeth,
    My masterful eyesight, brings me success in my crime fight,
    The 'S' on my chest makes me blessed, as I rest in the limelight,
    I jump in to the sky, to the delight of millions of eyes,
    I catch the wind, and I fly...such a brilliant goodbye...


    *Back to the future*

    ...My faces' freckled skin, forms a deeply regretful grin,
    Death and sin have settled in, it pains me to let them win,
    Flicking ash in the tray, no passion, a message I have to relay
    Don't live for others, it's your life, grasp it and play,
    I stare at my cape, simply wishing the thing would wither and burn,
    Then, caught by a cold wind, it is taken...and never returned.


    good drop, good flow, the bold had the strongest imagery....over good content....the intro was cool, wish i was was leading into the being super middle stanza...cool ending...

    Chapter Two - The Day Walker
    By: Outsider



    Standing in the dark, planning to carve a blood suckers spleen,
    and the moonlight marks where I start to continue another spree.
    Blade at the side, shades tint my eyes to extend the disguise,
    name's on the mind of my prey as he tries to blend in the night.
    Vampires disgust me, an empire of ugly parasites jumping,
    onto one thing, sucking it dry till it dies, just like a blood link.
    but who am I, you must be wondering, a mysterious crusade,
    slayer of beasts, the savior unleashed, after this serious plague.

    With my scope on his head, and silver rope around his legs...
    one little tug and this fuck will know why I'm blade!

    After a lifetime of pain, I've mastered the right kind of game,
    killing everyday without change, still twenty nine years of age.
    No emotion or motive, just an ocean to flow with on my own,
    a river of blood, getting thicker as it floods this soul and bones.

    nothing to live for, wanting to give more than fear and hate,
    there is something inside me that's fighting to clear the slate.
    A hundred years without a grave, no mate to give me reason,
    can't stomach doubt or shame... black clouds drain this demon.
    Ultimate goals in life, no oath or wife to protect or hold,
    and so I dissect these drones while my flesh gets cold.

    Is there really a reason to keep fighting, after we've lost everything?
    good flow, not as much imagery as i'd like to see, but the content to the story was good...dug the bolded...

    overall good drop, wish each part would've been alil longer with a lil more detail...other than that...coolness

    The Birth Of Creation

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  7. #7
    Cosa Nostra The Gwapfather's Avatar
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    Re: Once Upon a Hero.

    Yeah this was cool, with there being chapters are you guys planning on doing more? (just curious).. witness had a really nice flow, good multis, content overall was fitting with the concept and kept me interested.. Dagel had some good imagery and content as well, flow was solid but would like to see more internals and what not, minor complaint though, nice collab homies..

  8. #8
    Soule
    Guest

    Re: Once Upon a Hero.

    Bump, deserves more notice.

  9. #9
    The Witness. Witty's Avatar
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    Re: Once Upon a Hero.

    Agreed, this was ill, if I say so myself.

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  10. #10
    The Witness. Witty's Avatar
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    Re: Once Upon a Hero.

    Upping one last time.

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  11. #11
    On The Edge Shoemaker's Avatar
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    Re: Once Upon a Hero.

    this was a good collab.

    witness your style is very unique, but it still follows the guidelines... as far as imagery, multis, and metaphors... you were on point in this piece.
    The wind roars in my face, as I soar, in the sun's glorious rays,
    Every pore screams for 'more' of my notorious pace,
    hands down your best bar, imagery and vocab is impeccable.

    Dagel, what should i say that you havent already heard?
    you're a vet, and you know your shit is always dope...
    that being said i am especially impressed with the imagery in this piece...
    very very good.
    A hundred years without a grave, no mate to give me reason,
    can't stomach doubt or shame... black clouds drain this demon.
    Ultimate goals in life, no oath or wife to protect or hold,
    and so I dissect these drones while my flesh gets cold.
    best bars imo... very good once again man

    overall this was a collab with no flaws.. keep it up fellas..
    The Mothefucking Birth Of Creation


    Infekted Penz

  12. #12
    On The Edge Shoemaker's Avatar
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    The Mothefucking Birth Of Creation


    Infekted Penz

  13. #13
    Your just a menime <SamPle>'s Avatar
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    Re: Once Upon a Hero.

    im glad you were uppin this, coz i must of missed this! and its nice.

    firat of all:

    "Downing a bottle of beer, I look around, I hope nobody is near,
    My problem is clear, my confidence is rotting while I'm dropping a tear,
    Casting my mind to a happier time, when I was actually fine
    Grabbing some wine, I remove the cap, sit back and recline,
    While the track of my mind, rewinds, and moves backwards in time"

    I quoted this whole verse simply because the multies in this were insanely good, seroulisy, not forced either but came out naturally and made the flow real nice. the message is nice aswell, "a cry for help " drowning in sorrow kinda thing.

    "The wind roars in my face, as I soar, in the sun's glorious rays"

    nice similie or metaphor (i forget which one is which), is a good way to start a verse and actually creates good imagery straight away which was lacked in the prevouis one... the "saor" can also have a double meaning i suppose aswell like " I saw" maybe, depends how you intetpret the text a guess.

    again, multis were pretty sweet throughout man... and imagery was pretty consistant too, nice. BTW: what does the S on your chest part mean, i missed that.

    last verse, the multis weres till pouring in, yuo relly have the grasp of the multiryhming so enough about that lol... i couldnt follow the message in this verse all the way through, live your life dont care about anyone else .. not sure couldn't follow maybe is just me..

    vocab was hpow i like it, used some nice words but didnt use to many complicated ones so noone can undertand but still sounded intelligant. nice one whitness!!

    Outsider - the ryhmes in your first verse were unique cuz u did use perfect rhymes but similar sounding like "disguise - night" and "jumping - link" was nice. imagery must of been good, cuz i was reading this and said to myself this sounds like Blade, and at the end your blade! lol, didnt reading the title either..
    multis were ok but not as good as whitness.. maybe he wont read this part maybe his head will get big ha

    i think this was a nice topic cuz the could really get a good good imagery description all the blood and guts and killing which is fun i can imagine and you did it well, id didnt make it sound stupid but suspensful this thats a word... great imagery on the last verse

    your last two lines were a nice touch to the end of the verse aswell nice send off....

    keeping guys...

  14. #14
    The Witness. Witty's Avatar
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    Re: Once Upon a Hero.

    S on the chest was because I was Superman.

    Thanks for the feed, it is appreciated.

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  15. #15
    Newbie Prymal's Avatar
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    Re: Once Upon a Hero.

    Excellent flow, excellent storytelling. I never felt lost, and I never felt bored.

    Your imagery is excellent and I like that y'all were able to put these over-told stories to rhyme without resorting to cliche.

    Both verses had some excellent multis. I could very easily put a rhythm in my head to these verses. Great job!

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