sales

[Neruda II]

i get paid to talk to people.

for eight or so hours a day,
i sit and listen and talk,
i greet, asess, make recommendations.
my smile is client friendly,
it eats me up like a sandstorm
eating land, and it's just as dirty.
when i look
in the mirror each morning,
i see the leeches in my ears-
excavating. breeding.

but i clean up well.

[illuminare.]

The beginning made me think of office space like you are one of those corporate consultant interviewing people getting ready to lay a lot of them off. Then I get to the ending and I loved the imagery

when i look
in the mirror each morning,
i see the leeches in my ears-
excavating. breeding.

but i clean up well.

and the imagery is excellent and the last line brings it all together again. you write very well.


hit this if you get time
http://rapbattles.com/forum/showthre...960/index.html

[Spoken Deity]

I'm constantly hunting for what I think this poem is hunting for-- displaying an image and then throwing something at the end that creates a sense of completion and irony. Haven't nailed it down yet personally, and I feel you're well on your way here.

As always, organic language and images... this is clean.

[Dkoi]

I can see a Bukowski influence - it was made greater when I noticed your signature. The poem is alright, but I see a few things that throw me off. Like the simile in L6 & L7, as a sandstorm doesn't really eat land, I think you should just, simply use a different verb there. Also, I'd suggest you put 'like a sandstorm eating land' on the same line. Cretin that I am, it threw me off track for about a minute or so, lol. Anyway, interesting read and I enjoyed it.

[Madbeats]

I agree with Dkoi, I was thrown off with the sandstorm eating the land, but otherwise I thought it was brilliant imagery and enjoyed it!

[ItoldUIwasFat]

this short and sweet..
i personally liked the descriptive tone
of sandstorms eating land..dunno thought
it complexity in an other wise
simple yet very deep piece..

i personally hate dealing with people and have never
related to that office crap..thank godd i work outside lol
man the last line was really full of so much truth and
depth..great peice neruda

[Spoken]

Highly noted that in such shortness you assessed Amherst ideal of imagery with such clean transitions the fact it hunted rather than lead was cream puffs for the reader to savor. Honestly this was clean and great man the bukowski comment he'll yeah!!!! Props neruda