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Thread: Shower-Cloud

  1. #1
    Written Voices Jon's Avatar
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    Shower-Cloud

    A Friendly Shower-Cloud
    By Jonathon, Token, & Baron P. Mortuus

    Just pay me in doubts, overtime -
    because...
    Perfect teeth neighbor a filthy tongue - playing
    the chords that vocally rake me from usual nature.
    Passion in hate is un-debatable, so I only measure
    the attendance of my emotion, truant.
    One clock glides in circles around this eternity;
    future sutures are unfound & worthless in time,
    when a bind is created
    the wound is already mended and scabbed over -
    demolishing all hopes of closure.

    Hold my hand…


    Feeble fingers attempt to sustain
    a grasp on a firm conclusion.
    Hand & mind coordination crumbles
    once more with each faltering fact
    that beats an unwelcoming tune
    against my heart and sanity.
    Coming to grips to allow
    this reality to become just
    another fairy tale of many,
    hinder all possible
    sunshine filled endings
    as this cloud of confusion
    builds my resentment until
    it overflows into all aspects
    of my relevant being.
    I'm drenched with tainted showers
    of artificial pleasures & authentic pain.

    Look at me…


    I guess you’ve noticed;
    my patchwork of thoughts punctured through
    each bland material etched with cliché terms
    phrases past their prime and ideas long rotted.
    Clasped hands don’t grasp anything but themselves
    so each dream fell as a million little imaginary raindrops
    each droplet jumped off without inhibition
    an orgasmic snuff- killing ones dreams isn’t really that hard;
    You just don’t do anything...at all.

    Be blind for a minute…


    Past compulsions; memories
    friends, lovers and friendly lovers;
    where are you all now? Et tu Fate
    I sat with a cup of tea in hand;
    under a forgotten umbrella.
    My Rose tinted spectacle long broken
    and as I sipped the tea- for a moment;
    it seemed all of my friends were with me.



    But it's just me and my shower cloud...
    Artificial.Intelligence

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  2. #2
    Written Voices Jon's Avatar
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    Re: Shower-Cloud

    Uppin this?
    Artificial.Intelligence

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  3. #3
    Written Voices Jon's Avatar
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    Re: Shower-Cloud

    Uppin.. returning feed too
    Artificial.Intelligence

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  4. #4
    . Token's Avatar
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    Re: Shower-Cloud

    will also return feed

  5. #5
    Soule
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    Re: Shower-Cloud

    This was a pretty dope collab actually, one of the best poetry collabs I've read in quite some time. All three writers are easily RB favorites of mine. And the funny thing is, I mentioned how Token and Jon were my two favorite poets and here you two are! lol. Wording was absolutely beautiful the entire time. Nothing ever seemed awkward or repetitive to me honestly. Concept was pretty fresh and the picture was one of my picks from the league. (believe it was a league pic, looks familiar) Anyways, not gonna divide you guys into feedback seeing as its a collab and should be seen that way. As a group, no flaws. All three came in with some refreshing poetry. NOM'd.

  6. #6

  7. #7
    Written Voices Jon's Avatar
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    Re: Shower-Cloud

    Gettin to that link, thanks dagel
    Artificial.Intelligence

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  8. #8
    Insipire.create.destroy illuminare.'s Avatar
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    Re: Shower-Cloud

    Just pay me in doubts, overtime -
    because...
    Perfect teeth neighbor a filthy tongue - playing
    the chords that vocally rake me from usual nature
    The wording here is impeccable I love the perfect teeth neighbor a filthy tongue. I love this part.

    I'm drenched with tainted showers
    of artificial pleasures & authentic pain.
    These two lines are awesome the idea of artificial pleasure and authentic pain is a interesting concept.

    so each dream fell as a million little imaginary raindrops
    each droplet jumped off without inhibition
    an orgasmic snuff- killing ones dreams isn’t really that hard;
    You just don’t do anything...at all.
    great word choice and concept here

    Past compulsions; memories
    friends, lovers and friendly lovers;
    where are you all now? Et tu Fate
    I sat with a cup of tea in hand;
    under a forgotten umbrella.
    My Rose tinted spectacle long broken
    and as I sipped the tea- for a moment;
    it seemed all of my friends were with me.
    This ending piece is probably my favorite part especially the et tu fate part. amazing


    The concept and topic used in this piece was amazing there is nothing in this piece to complain about this piece. It was a very refreshing piece and I really really enjoyed it.

    hit this please when you get the time
    http://rapbattles.com/forum/showthre...960/index.html

  9. #9
    Written Voices Jon's Avatar
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    Re: Shower-Cloud

    Thanks for feed man. Upping this again.
    Artificial.Intelligence

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  10. #10
    . Token's Avatar
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    Re: Shower-Cloud

    big props to mortuus and jon.. both of your stanzas were dope btw. not sure how feedback works when ur in the piece yourself but, i'll just say i thoroughly enjoyed reading this one multiple times now. lol

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