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Thread: My Love

  1. #1
    . Token's Avatar
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    My Love



    Defectless qualities compliment
    her wreckless demeanor.
    Her radiant smile blinds
    the 'know-it-alls', while her
    tranquilizing voice brings
    harmony to the deaf.

    The lashes of her eyes
    slice through the darkest
    of souls with each flutter
    converting their minds
    into an apparition of bliss.

    Yes it's safe to say

    She brings out the best
    in the worst of all cases.
    Lighting up the room as
    she walks by, hips moving
    as if they were a gift to music itself.

    Sweet enough to keep me happy
    and feisty enough to keep me interested.
    Her brazen attitude only leaves
    me wanting more of her vindictiveness,
    and embelishes her affection.

    Perhaps I've been too reserved
    in my feelings towards her,
    recently she's been acting strange..

    Devising a scheme to unveil
    the reasons behind her deviant
    actions, I plot my plan to resolve
    these mysterious waves that have
    surfaced in her regular routine.

    She's always been the girl of my dreams,
    since high school she's had a place in my heart
    no other would ever venture to discover.
    but sleeping is not an option
    with all of this suspicious behavior.

    So I follow her...



    As she approaches a foreign complex,
    I realize my nightmare is afoot.
    Fighting my imagination with composure,
    the battle is lost as I see the shadows
    through the window, moving in such
    a rhythmic manner that it puts even
    her infamous strut to shame.

    My woman is in the arms of another man,
    I'm enraged, yet intrigued.
    Aroused in anger, my thoughts scatter
    amongst my heart and through
    my flesh as I ponder my feelings.

    This is a good thing..
    Afterall, most relationships fail
    due to a lack of challenge.
    Perhaps this was the key
    to the next step in our relationship.

    That settles it..

    Tomorrow I take a stand.

    Tomorrow, I introduce myself.

  2. #2
    . Token's Avatar
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    Re: My Love

    uppin this, will return feed

  3. #3
    SirVent
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    Re: My Love

    Oh niceee, this went in a completely different direction than what I thought which imo is what makes a great piece. You started off really strong and set the tone early on. the first two stanzas were probably my favorites of the entire thing. Some nice concepts and great execution. I think your line breaks in some places were a little awkward, these 3 places to be specific

    Her brazen attitude only leaves
    me wanting more of her vindictiveness,
    and embelishes her affection.

    now I can't really say how else I would have done it, I just don't quite care for the transitions in those 3 lines.

    the 2nd picture added the general imagery of what was going on, and most people, like myself are going to assume the girl is cheating. but the last 2 lines really twist it in a nice way, the guy has been admiring her from afar but is too scared of being rejected that he hasnt made his move, but this one thing is what pushes him over the edge and hopefully in turn pushes his confidence.

    cool piece here token, enjoyed the read.
    rtf?
    http://rapbattles.com/forum/showthre...233/index.html

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    the theory of cause and effect is flawed,
    we expect the outcome to mirror the struggle, that's wrong.

  4. #4
    "great work" ItoldUIwasFat's Avatar
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    Re: My Love

    hahaha..man you had me dude i thought you was gonna kill that bitch lol

    what a twist to this wow! great stuff man this was to me a well written short story..thats how it read to me. it kept me waiting for the next line. really liked your vocabulary dude, really set great imagery and emotion. though that twist had me like WTF it was a good WTF thought lol..but man the transitions and the diction to this was just flawless my man..dope shit bro i gotta read more of your stuff

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  5. #5
    . Token's Avatar
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    Re: My Love

    appreciate the feedback guys!

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