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Thread: Asshole.

  1. #1
    Soule
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    Asshole.

    Bridges burnt, vehicles freefall toward an oceanic surface,
    hurricanes spin outta control, earthquakes scar mother nature.
    Priests begin to question themselves and humanity's purpose,
    touching children in ways that wouldn't please our savior.

    Santa Clause robs a bank, reindeer games take place in Boston,
    and people dress up for candy and a little bit of sex appeal.
    A father doesn't get laid much, in fact, he watches porn often,
    while his son hates his life -- all too familar with how sex feels.

    Mom kneels in her boss' office, earning that upcoming raise,
    while his family is watching elsewhere, bodies cold in a grave.

    A man sleeps on cardboard, happy and content with everyday,
    while a model makes millions but still can't look in a mirror.
    Sadly, a mother aborts her seed, stealing it's chance to play,
    while it's father sits at home with three bottles of everclear.

    My teacher watches us read, while contemplating suicide,
    while one of his students loads the. 45 beneath his desk.
    Police are planting evidence to ruin an innocent man's life,
    as a bomb downtown leaves hundreds of families a mess.

    An actor can't handle the attention and decides to pop pills,
    while the news writes his story... a two year old girl is killed.

    I wonder if God is an asshole, isn't it genetic?
    Last edited by Soule; July 11th, 2011 at 10:35 PM

  2. #2
    Express'on is EVERYTHING Express'on's Avatar
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    Re: Asshole.

    You had some very good points in here kind of got caught up in rhyme scheme in awkward locations but personally this didnt need one u had it without it...which coming from me is rare...lol...but i am going to tell u the one that is stuck in my head..

    "My teacher watches us read, while contemplating suicide,"

    as simple as this seems it just for some reason erks the shit out of me...almost like stomach rot...absolutely great...but I think thats a personal favorite...great write...

    if u get a chance could u hit mine up
    http://www.rapbattles.com/forum/show...044/index.html
    "the ink of a scholar, is worth a thousand times more, than the blood of a martyr"--lupe fiasco
    "I'm sonnin' ya'll like father's day/disrespect pop and get popped like Marvin Gaye" Skillz


    WRITTEN VOICES

  3. #3
    "great work" ItoldUIwasFat's Avatar
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    Re: Asshole.

    i really liked this dagel...really liked this..alot different from anything ive read from you man for real. this was had such a personal feel to it..unlike your other pieces which to me seem to lay in an abstract frame, this was at a place where i could sit down and read this with peers and reflect each line out loud. thats how good this reads..such honesty in each line and you showcased so much vulnerability.

    Sadly, a mother aborts her seed, stealing it's chance to play,
    while it's father sits at home with three bottles of everclear.
    lines like these i really loved..like the second line you could of over worded it and made it reall complex with meaning and blah blah..but the way you worded it was fucking perfect for me..maybe cuz i can relate to that last line a little dunno nice poetry man..

    def one of my favorite pieces from you dude.

    Edit: like your avy

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  4. #4
    Soule
    Guest

    Re: Asshole.

    Thanks guys.

  5. #5
    Laughing at you Know-It-All's Avatar
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    Re: Asshole.

    hmmm I haven't written a poem in like 9 months this makes me want to write a poem and see if I can still do it.

    My teacher watches us read, while contemplating suicide,
    while one of his students loads the. 45 beneath his desk.
    Police are planting evidence to ruin an innocent man's life,
    as a bomb downtown leaves hundreds of families a mess.

    An actor can't handle the attention and decides to pop pills,
    while the news writes his story... a two year old girl is killed.

    I wonder if God is an asshole, isn't it genetic?
    loved the ending


    this poem was pretty cool except I normally don't like poems with long ass lines but you had a good concept and flowed with it good work Mr. Dagel

  6. #6
    Soule
    Guest

    Re: Asshole.

    thanks pal.

  7. #7
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    Re: Asshole.

    i loved this.

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