the sunflower massacre

[Neruda II]

over the grave;
i wait for life
that will never grow.
ectoplasm and memories
are not alive.
you beg to differ,
saying you might be
the anchor or the haunted
field of grass
from which acceptence is ressurected.


but i know that you're a doll
and behind those glass lips
you have tombstone teeth.
you look impressive-
dressed in all black
wearing karma like a necklace.


i can crash at any moment,
but i carry an iron will
so that i may leave every syllable with you,
laced with an apology-
for the time
we never spent.


indulgence
kept me searching
for the last chapter since page one.
i crave an excuse to interupt
the peace.
the apple of my eye-
distressed like sanctity, for you;


i might light
heaven on fire.


I am fatigued by the questions no one has asked.
why wouldnt you
want to break free?
I dont understand
how you find that coffin comfortable.


im suffering more than i should.
but i dont bleed for anyone
with a smile that pretty.
especially when they're
so willing to break me open
and eat me up inside
like sunflower seeds,
knowing that I've been dead
all along.

[JMS]

I actually thoroughly enjoyed the ending. I enjoyed how you used the sunflower seeds to describe the feeling. It carried a fairly even flow throughout though I did feel that the third stanza might have been a little ripple almost pulling off course. I quite enjoyed your descriptive nature, the glass lips and tombstone teeth was nice. it had a very grey tone to me, not quite dark dark, but not necessarily any lighter either. The end though did pull it together and I enjoy fairly good endings and especially like when they tie into the title, but that's just personal preference.

[Dkoi]

over the grave;
i wait for life
that will never grow.
ectoplasm and memories
are not alive.
you beg to differ,
saying you might be
the anchor or the haunted
field of grass
from which acceptence is ressurected.

That was great (!), truthfully.

I'm not one to really critique a poem, so I will just say that I enjoy the way you write. In a way I feel you write like myself - open and honest. It seems like alot of the poems I read on internet forums are almost passive in a sense. Like the person that writes them cares more about their choice of words, their structure, their appearance to the person reading them. Obviously that is a very, very important part of poetry - the most important though is honesty in poetry, experiences, and etc. At least to myself. Anyway, I enjoyed this - hopefully my rambling didn't offend you, and didn't make me sound like an idiot.

[adjective]

over the grave;
i wait for life --- With or without the picture to go along this is a great opener, without the picture could be somebody standing over a grave but definitely an intriguing entrance into a poem.


that will never grow.
ectoplasm and memories
are not alive.
you beg to differ, --- i like how you contrasted the concrete statement of fact (are not alive-definitely) with the subjects blatant disregard and choice to argue

saying you might be
the anchor or the haunted--i'm not sure why this person would be the anchor here, is it between life anddeath?
field of grass
from which acceptence is ressurected. ---This haunted field resurrection line is fresh, i appreciate the way you put the becoming accepted again as being so rejected like unto death and needing to resurrect in order to become accepted once more.

but i know that you're a doll
and behind those glass lips
you have tombstone teeth. --- One of my favorite lines here, gonna be in my mind for a while. The imagery here is fantastic, the falseness of who this person is is apparent, and the the glass lips with the tombstone teeth is beautiful. i can almost see the glass lips breaking from the tombstone teeth, like as much as they try to hide it what's really inside just busts its way out.

you look impressive-
dressed in all black
wearing karma like a necklace. --- i liked how it rhymed here, not sure if it was intentional (as i have been known to rhyme accidentally) but it was a nice break from the free verse style. Still working with the idea of their falseness having an appearance of what impresses, and wearing karma like its obvious you know what's going on and can see the result.

i can crash at any moment,
but i carry an iron will --- The iron will line is a little trite, you most likely could have thought of a different way to express that. And what does that mean you can crash at any moment? Maybe the idea you were going for fit when you thought about it because you knew what you were trying to say but the message is lost in translation. Crashing seems to have nothing to do with everything else that is going on in the poem.

so that i may leave every syllable with you,
laced with an apology-
for the time
we never spent. --- Using so here means that the reason you carry that iron will is to leave every syllable with them, to mean to have determined to tell them? From "laced" to "spent" is great, another one of my favorite lines. Like you never really apologized flat out but it was tacit, and for the time never spent is a great way to describe how you felt about the relationship, and just a nice play on words.

indulgence
kept me searching
for the last chapter since page one. --- Has an almost self-destructive air to it. Being so self indulgent as to lead you to the end of the relationship, maybe selfishness or a blind passion that would lead to the end anyway. Also a good piece of imagery, i can see somebody just totally consumed in a book reading and sweating and flipping pages to get to the end to see what happens.

i crave an excuse to interupt
the peace.
the apple of my eye-
distressed like sanctity, for you; --- Sanctity means holy or sacred so "distressed like sanctity" just doesn't make sense.

i might light
heaven on fire. --- Bringing the other above lines to connect with this one does create a great sense of emotion, how bad you want the person back. To disturb the peace in Heaven in order to get the person back, you did a good job of expressing that craving.

I am fatigued by the questions no one has asked. ---What questions could be causing your fatigue? What questions could be so dire? Questions they haven't asked you or just asked out loud for all to be involved in the answer? If you didn't want to leave such a open ended may a little too vague of a gap in the poem, just have it be one question they haven't asked. because if it were one question, at least i would think, it would be what happened.

why wouldnt you
want to break free?
I dont understand
how you find that coffin comfortable. --- The idea of finding that coffin comfortable is really nice, how you don't get why this person would have died implying you weren't ready for them to go yet. Another top notch line.

im suffering more than i should.
but i dont bleed for anyone
with a smile that pretty. --- Why are you suffering more than you should, you seemed pretty connected with this person throughout the whole piece, whether or not they were fake you were apparently still very close. And is the pretty smile supposed to be sarcastic because of the tombstone teeth, because that would be a nice touch.
especially when they're
so willing to break me open
and eat me up inside
like sunflower seeds, --- nice imagery and a great description of what this person did to you
knowing that I've been dead
all along. --- i really have no idea why you are dead all along? Are you maybe supposed to be talking to yourself? Or are you the dead person talking to the living person? This throws the reader off severely. This ending comes off a little like it was a forced twist in the story just for the sake of putting in a twist.


Overall it was a nice read, a good poem, good use of poetic elements. And i will definitely have a couple of those lines in my head for a while.

[Jamhuri]

I dont consider myself that great with 'quality' feed. I enjoyed this, and I wasnt gonna leave anything except that I'd like to see your feed on my piece, so yeah..

I'm still not sure if there's more I should read to the picture. Maybe its an image of you, the speaker, who's just as dead as the persona, now that they've killed you by dying themselves.
I like the sunflowers image. Displays a pure heart/innocence, and its tagic already that even one would die. 'Massacre' is sweetly hyperbolic. I smiled at it.
Thanks for this. Very enjoyable, man.

[Neruda II]

oh shit. i didn't know that people actually fed this! sorry dudes, ill return feed now.

[Madbeats]

I enjoyed reading this. Only thing I was confused on is the "ectoplasm" usage.