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Thread: A Wet Bird

  1. #1
    Written Voices Jon's Avatar
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    A Wet Bird

    dew settles as every dawn becomes day
    the early bird chirps during the dreary morning.
    cold & lifeless, yet after rain
    the breakfast worms come squirming...

    the mist is most easy to handle -
    as they fly in flocks from tree to tree;
    some on power-lines & high branches,
    & some along the ground among debris.

    they say even blind squirrels find a nut every now and then,
    with no cane or sense of direction -
    just hands toward the earth with backs bent
    trying to make the right selection.

    but regardless, drenched or dry
    the bird will shake it off & fly.
    land on the branch that'll shake the acorn tree
    & give a squirrel another chance to see.

    only if it was as easy as a metaphor,
    yet we're all indeed like mother nature...
    whether you're me, the wet bird
    or a squirrel in need of favors.
    Last edited by Jon; February 3rd, 2011 at 07:53 PM

  2. #2
    Written Voices Jon's Avatar
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    Re: A Wet Bird

    Last edited by Jon; February 1st, 2011 at 06:06 PM

  3. #3
    Written Voices Jon's Avatar
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    Re: A Wet Bird

    http://www.rapbattles.com/forum/show...906/index.html
    second link. feed please someone?

  4. #4
    Touch My Beard Extinctor Draconis's Avatar
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    Re: A Wet Bird

    sorry i didn't get to this earlier jon


    interesting. I think the main reason people aren't feeding this is because they don't know exactly what to take from the poem; at this moment, I can't even articulate it. *reads it again* Oh I see very nice. Interesting way to direct a poem's message. Usually, I don't like when a metaphor is directly revealed, but the way you pulled this off was dopesex. Normally i'm not a fan of rhyming poetry, but again, you pulled it off. Hopefully you remain consistent on the site because i do enjoy reading your poems.

    if you could feed my poem(Inconsistent Lie), that would be appreciated
    De Kapitein

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  5. #5
    God Fist Spoken Deity's Avatar
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    Re: A Wet Bird

    well, this was different. It was a very interesting metaphor.
    The fact it was plainly written and to the point makes it better. Often, we get this love for abstract, emotional, and eloquent images... it's intelligently and artistically ironic. The simplicity and rhyme carry this. I can't point to a single bit of imagery that really stuck it down. This was just kind of aesthetically beautiful, haha.
    At a loss for words on this dude. Sorry.

    I can't figure out if I'm missing something brilliant or not... I dont know
    Last edited by Spoken Deity; February 28th, 2011 at 10:45 PM

  6. #6
    Written Voices Jon's Avatar
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    Re: A Wet Bird

    thanks guys. i'll hit someone's piece when i get off work

  7. #7
    Word Of Mouth Kaotic Theory's Avatar
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    Re: A Wet Bird

    hmmmmm a metaphor indeed.....dont want to be a spoiler for the next reader because clearly they can recieve there own images through this, but the bird ideas in the second stanza kinda come off to me as you know today's society popularity wise and economy wise there's 2 groups of people today, 1 ='s rich,cool, awesome whatever, perfect, the other being those who are less fortunate financially and weren't that cool in school and somethin' like that. the squirrel to me is a lost mind, trying to fit in somewhere in life but just can't make up his mind to where he fit's in, can't see whats good or bad for him. and the bird landing on a branch to shake loose an alcorn for the helpless squirril is cool, you good samraritan the 1 person out of the high-society of wealth and fortunate standars gives a lil blessing to help the ones who struggle. lol niceeeeeee man and yes this is very simple, text wise but i mean if this piece wasn't written in this level of difficulty(EASYasFuck) then it wouldn't have been as good as i thought it was....PERIOD.


    Thanks.
    Last edited by Kaotic Theory; February 8th, 2011 at 01:39 PM
    AI

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  8. #8
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    Re: A Wet Bird

    simplicity is sometimes the best way to gain understanding. thanks Kao

  9. #9
    Wordbenders Jawn Raw's Avatar
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    Re: A Wet Bird

    nice flow. made an easy read. i like the imagery you used as well really kept me interested throughout the read. this was short and sweet. i enjoyed reading this and there's nothing i would change. I like how you ended it. that was what gave that perfect twist to the story. its what really pushed the idea out so people reading it can think and apply this story to them personally. great stuff dude.

    hit me back here,
    http://www.rapbattles.com/forum/show...061/index.html

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  11. #11
    "great work" ItoldUIwasFat's Avatar
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    Re: A Wet Bird

    lol..i gotta say i loved this piece..

    i really enjoyed the simple form this took because at the end the complexity of the metaphor was showcased very nicely..def a fav so far good post man.

  12. #12
    Punk Country Chick lostinlove's Avatar
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    Re: A Wet Bird

    Quote Originally Posted by Jonathon View Post
    dew settles as every dawn becomes day
    the early bird chirps during the dreary morning.
    cold & lifeless, yet after rain
    the breakfast worms come squirming...
    That was good, I just think maybe you should use capitol letters. It painted a picture in my head, but in the picture all I see is a bird, worms and ground, no light, is the sun even up or hanging behind the trees?

    Quote Originally Posted by Jonathon View Post
    the mist is most easy to handle -
    as they fly in flocks from tree to tree;
    some on power-lines & high branches,
    & some along the ground among debris
    What kind of debris? Just normal foliage? Or after a storm?

    Over all a good piece, I love animals, it just seems like a sad poem, blind squirrels? Very sad. Now all I see is a blind squirrel running into a tree or falling out of a tree.
    Our finger prints don't fade from the lives we touch.
    He who makes a beast of himself gets rid of the pain of being a man

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  13. #13
    Written Voices Jon's Avatar
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    Re: A Wet Bird

    rawr
    Artificial.Intelligence

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