Patience Bled Fiction

[Mankind]

Lonely stance, I take.
Beneath the shimmering sky-filled grace.
I can feel you in my mind.
Touch, residing on my face.
I wait to make this be...
But is this calm just fooling me?
The winds blow out to speak.
Almost choked by limbs of trees.
Is this my fallacy?
Or can it be?

What a serene calm as I wait.
I see the stars asphyxiate.
My body trembles under me.
I need to know if this could be...

Lusters, bright from stars above.
Wish. One take to prove it love.
Matter be, will she ascend,
To serenity's comfort that I pretend?
The sky, obsidian with white diamonds.
Jewels to wed envy upon the scene.
The garden of roses that I had tend to,
All but petals torn like obscene.

What a serene calm as I wait.
Patience led to lie embrace.
Shivers claim the things I speak.
This are not the things I seek.

What a serene calm as the faint,
becomes a wish, disintegrate.
I can feel you in my heart.
Like piercing needles, sharpened shards.
I can't see you anymore.
Never did. Not once before.
I believed that this could be.
Perhaps for you, but not for me.

[Mankind]

Leave links; I'll return the feedback.

http://www.rapbattles.com/forum/show...076/index.html
http://www.rapbattles.com/forum/show...809/index.html

[unadored]

This was good mate, thought you came up with some nice imagery but some were a little played over time and the rhyme scheme was very simple.
I did like your word choices, nice use of language.
I'd say this is poetry at it's simplest but I'm not saying thats a bad thing.
Keep posting.

[ItoldUIwasFat]

very well written poem you got here mang..
you know as i read it i couldnt really find one solid meaning
behind your words...seems like this was inspired in freehand maybe?
i loved the cadence to this..i dunno i i always read poems out loud
just because it makes the words feel more alive and i can determine
a sense of life to your writing...the problem with such short lines
is you gotta be real descriptive with your words..i felt like you could
done better in that aspect...also you had a couple typos that really bothered
the coherency of some your stanzas...

other than that man i really enjoyed this...i could see the passion for writing and your def on the right path...just check yah work typos really hurt..specially if your trying to express your self...dope drop, keep writing

[Outss]

i feel this man , its draws a picture in my minds eye well when i am reading it .. Its simple for poetry but whos to say what poetry is or is not .. I actually liked the simplicity of it actually made it easier for me to understand coz i dont do poems too often .. keep writing 7/10

[lostinlove]

This are not the things I seek.

This part makes no sense, it would if it was "These are not the things I seek"

Overall, this is good. Not much to add.

[Mankind]

^how is that feedback

[PyroMania]

that was pretty dope.. i enjoyed it.. pretty dope words.. not to small not to big.. on the words.. which made it decent. stay up and keep posting

[Edicius]

this was a cool read, some things stood over the other but allover its a pretty solid poem.

Matter be, will she ascend,
To serenity's comfort that I pretend?
The sky, obsidian with white diamonds.
Jewels to wed envy upon the scene.
The garden of roses that I had tend to,
All but petals torn like obscene.

i really liked this part :^)

1

[st.poet89]

wow..i truly did enjoy this keep up the writing