Broken World

[Reeco]

CLOSE THIS!!!

TIMELESS

[Prince Escobar]

...i didnt like this. That said i'll tell you why, your imagery was ok but it was very weak and teh switching from topic to topic wore this poem out too thin, also the constant use of the "chorus" if you will was really irritating, i ended up just skipping the last 3 or 4. Your flow was pretty good btu your emotion lacked as much as your imagery which is why this piece never really came to life. the only story of the bunch i liked were the first cause it was a good opening to that type of poem. Hate to come off as a prick but IMO it was not good, prolly your only poem that i just strate up dislike, no hate, 1luv.

[Tourniquet]

I read this a few times trying to figure out what it was exactly that bugged me about the piece. I actually liked the different stories, they really lead the reader into the characters different lives, they werent muffled or in anyway over lapped. Clean, vivid and realistic in each their own right.
I thought perhaps you could have elaborated a little in the closing few lines, to unite the different stories in what it is they held common, living in a broken world. Yeah, I realise that that is what your last few lines are attempting to do but with such detail in their seperate lives I felt the last message of hope needed a little reinforcement.
Also, you tend to over word a little. Words in there you dont even need, really just to dress it up. The message here is simple, the writing should reflect that. It gives the poem a pompous feel that doesnt suit your message. And be careful not to 'over grammar' Ive noticed it seems to have become the fashion here in PS while I was on hiatus, but it really doesnt do anything for the impact of your writing.

Now, to what bothered me. At first I agreed with DaN regarding the 'chorus'. I actually read it once before even starting the poem, then when I read the poem I didnt read any of the choruses. Thats the first problem, the reader will do that without even thinking about it. Only way really to stop that it to add subtle nuances to each chorus. (Identical choruses work well in songs because we listen to them, not read)
After reading the poem I turned again to the chorus. I think its that in itself that I had an issue with. The first few lines of it I liked but the last two, especially the final one.. felt really fragmented. They ruined the flow of it. And in doing so to the chorus, because you have it placed between each stanza, it had the same effect on the entire poem.

I think that is what actually messed up the feeling of this poem more than the message or your meaning behind the words. A technical flaw. The concept is beautiful, I like the diversity of different lives. I even like the fact that you tie them together with a common chorus. Its just that the chorus faltered for me, acting like a speed bump when reading the poem in its entirety as it was meant to be read.

[Reeco]

^^ WOW thank you for that!! i do agree with everything everyone sed about this poem.....AND I AGREE THIS IS THE SHITEST PIECE OF WORK I'VE EVER DONE!!! but thank you for all my comments and Tourniquet i will def reply in depth to your next piece!!! NOW BLOOM OR SOMEONE ELSE PLEASE CLOSE THIS COZ I'M STARTING TO HATE THIS POEM!!!

[Bounce]

closed!