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Thread: Relationship

  1. #1
    Newbie
    Join Date
    May 2004
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    Minneapolis, MN
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    Relationship

    After the time that we spent together
    I thought we could just go on forever
    But things weren't too good, we let go of each other
    Went our separate ways from one another

    I couldn't understand why we fell apart
    I guess we set it up right from the start
    We started our relationship during that time I hold dear
    So what'd I expect from the coming school year?

    I was also amiss about your feelings toward me
    I never knew what was going on through your mind
    Were you just into my looks? Or my devilish charm?
    All I knew was that it wasn't the kind
    Of thing that I could stand, I was feeling quite sad
    That you couldn’t be there, and yet I was glad
    That you weren’t exposed to it all, the rest of my life
    Since all it really represented was pain, hurt, and strife

    I was also amiss about your feelings toward me
    (To this Day I don’t know just who you might be)
    (Or what you were thinking, what was goin on up there)
    (all I could tell was that you weren’t unaware)

    You held back so much, I was so in the dark
    I felt like we completely lost that spark
    that once permeated our relationship;
    or maybe all that was you on a power trip…

    I was hurting so much, and so were you
    Then why couldn't we express how we

    I'm sorry for what I did
    Didn't know what to say
    Was hurtin so bad
    Things just turned out that way

    I know that I hurt you; I wanted it to
    But now, looking back, I lost something so true

    Here I am writing again
    but this time for real
    I hope you'll forgive me
    for being so cruel


    This feels so dumb to be writin to you
    You, of all people who’ve mastered the true
    Art of lyrics and rhyming and all of that shit
    But I pose a question: What to do about it?

    I’m glad that you’re writing, you’ve gotten that far
    But I sit back and wonder just what it is that you are
    What you are becoming, and what you have in store
    I want to be there for you, hindered no more

    http://www.rapbattles.com/forum/edit...post&p=1694412
    Last edited by Egeria; September 13th, 2004 at 10:08 PM

  2. #2
    Word is Bond Sublime D's Avatar
    Join Date
    Oct 2003
    Location
    Buffalo, NY
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    36
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    hmm..this was nice..this actually reminded me of my earlier works...this isn't bad at all...im not sure whther it's free verse or....ill critique it as free verse....your structure wasn't bad...your flow was nice...fell off once or twice, but i could follow it through most of the poem...i can tell you aren't a complete beginner...you kinda know what you're doing...im thinkin about your flow some more...your flow was actually quite good for most of the poem...some lines didn't rhyme, and that threw me off a lil...but they weren't supposed to rhyme...as i re read your poem i understand it more and i gain more of an appreciation for it...this is good...you're a good writer...you have potential to be better too...ill be on the lookout for your work...respect...

    8.8/10
    Bittersweet

  3. #3
    Newbie
    Join Date
    May 2004
    Location
    Minneapolis, MN
    Age
    38
    Posts
    39
    Umm-
    How do you exactly post these links?

    thx

  4. #4
    Banned
    Join Date
    Jul 2003
    Location
    Fort worth, TX
    Posts
    1,921
    to post your links you vote on a poem copy the URL and past it here and when you paste it put in front of ythe link and at the end of the link



    alright you are new to this site but not really new to writing i can tell that... your rhyme scheem was okay a little basic but not bad at all... Your flow was on point and it was quite good... Your structure was good... This was a solid piece all around man... Keep writing and i will give feedback on your other stuff when it pops up... You deffintly have potential to be a really good writer you just need to be exposed to more in your life and have more experience... stay up

  5. #5
    Green Hour Madness Bounce's Avatar
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    Awards WOP Champion
    Two active threads rule... Closed

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