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Thread: Torn.

  1. #1
    None
    Join Date
    May 2003
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    20,660
    Battle Record
    18-0

    Torn.

    incredible as it may seem. this is a true story.
    enjoy it or don't your choice I guess.

    I was watching the news, as a father bottled his booze
    watching his house burn he'd gotten a noose
    hung it from a tree branch & alotted his dues
    later I'd see his kid's heads hung - sobbing confused
    cuz he'd killed his wife first, the fire ablaze
    and then gotten his rope.. crying amazed
    at what he'd done, cuz she'd requested divorce
    but he couldn't take it & he tested his force
    after she'd told him their marriage was wasted
    & she never loved him - he despaired & then faced it
    the propane bid to use it - he was trapped in a spot
    but he picked it up & snapped off the top
    he felt it all slip thru his hands, the years wasted
    he felt the bitter salt that his tears tasted
    i never loved u, his wife's words strangled his life
    40 years down the drain, tangled his strife
    but the incredible part, on his lies behalf &
    he still lived - their kids denied it happened
    couldn't face the truth, of what father did
    the truth can't move emotion or bother kids
    cops removed the noose, they outplayed his will
    and the dead wife's sister forgave him still
    a hundred miles away an old man received a call
    he was told his niece had died n perceived it all..
    later the next day - he was found deceased
    love stopped his heart, n in heaven he found his niece..
    Last edited by Richard Parker; December 18th, 2004 at 04:00 PM

  2. #2
    Super Spic, w00t! Emerge's Avatar
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    i liked it when did this happen?

    and where? lol damn murderers

    you should play with rhyme schemes more though
    toy with em and and try to build something a bit
    more elaborate

    pzzzzzz

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    New Writejist Song - Tito Ortiz

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  3. #3
    Banned Chronic Cancer's Avatar
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    Great emotion, great replaying a true story with rhyme i always thought that was the hardest part about topicals. Great work.

    Peep my shit,
    http://www.rapbattles.com/forum/showthread.php?t=160920

  4. #4
    The True Psycho of RB
    Join Date
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    this piece was dope, good storytelling, nice flow, you described the emotions of the story well, this was tight.
    return the favour reply 2 my last post
    http://www.rapbattles.com/forum/showthread.php?t=161055

  5. #5
    tonguetwista
    Guest
    hey this was a really good story. nice piece. it had the flow, the rhythm and THE STRUCTURE...dope for rizzeal..peace

  6. #6
    Predatorian
    Guest
    everything was pretty good in this.... good emotion... its hard to put a TRUE story into words with imagery that rhymes... PROPS dude

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