Frozen Rain, Flowing Tears.

[Moniker]

If I could just
kiss you in the rain
would you listen
to your heart
saying,
things will be
the same.

If we could be
frozen in that instant
spinning
uncontrollably
sheltered from pain
by golden storm clouds
rushing above us.
would you trust me
completely.

If I showed you
my true reflection again.
as my drops of skin
fade away
will the drearyness stay
or will you daydream,
seeing us clearly
playing,
in the rain.

If I cleaned up
the mud covering my eyes
dried the dirty puddle
splashing,
in my soul
would you hold my hand
and dance with me again.
soaking in every touch
of passion.

If I told you,
theres no flowing tears here,
just a rainbow,
would you believe
the promises of the past.
and see that
this is Love,
in plain clothes.
and there's
no strings attached.

[Bounce]

Damn, I really enjoyed this mindless. Meter was solid, it read and flowed right off my tongue. really good work on this, consice yet deep and direct. Adult in feel, something RB lacks at times. Emotion was right there, made the reader feel your POV. Well done man.

[sNoopfox]

This is a sweet piece...I'm sure it'd win any girl over given this particular circumstance
Its got a good level of emotion to it, it's honest and paints a good image of the two people involved and raises questions what they went through before.
I like it. Nice drop.

sNoopfox

[p O e T i Q u E]

Ayo I'm feelin what you did on this piece. It's a nice drop. It is deep and concise, and it flowed while i was reading it. Keep it up.

[spokenoh]

You have become very sappy and emo. You make me proud, so we should go out for muffins and poetry later [/EMO].

I will leave a real reply once I get depressed.

[Moniker]

bounce - thanks for replying to this. as a well respected member on this sight, your critique means alot.

snoopfox - ha. i dont know about winning girls over with this. i only care about winning one girl over, but my words seem to mean nothing to her anymore. and i thought that after all this time, and things i've written to her, she'd know my deep, passionate feelings for her, that have been there all along. and remain, still.

spokenoragami - shut up, im not emo. lol

[sNoopfox]

Hmmm when a women makes up her mind generally its when she's finally hit breaking point. But keep writing, its an amazing way to express yourself...and a way of depicting light (producing something good) from a dark situation.

sNoopfox

[.verity.]

great drop, expression through words...
ive read quite a bit of your writting and id have to say your very consistant, and ive liked every single one of your drops equaly. It seems you use so much passion expressed through so little words ad it gives a sense of meaning. neway, much props on this peice. Keep droppin

Peace...

[Moniker]

thanks for the reply verity. drop a link to something recent of yours if you want, and i'll check it out.

[un_conscious_one]

If I could just
kiss you in the rain
would you listen
to your heart
saying,
things will be
the same.

the flow here is very good

If we could be
frozen in that instant
spinning
uncontrollably
sheltered from pain
by golden storm clouds
rushing above us.
would you trust me
completely.

"same - frozen, good motion

What are the golden storm clouds?

If I showed you
my true reflection again.
as my drops of skin
fade away
will the drearyness stay
or will you daydream,
seeing us clearly
playing,
in the rain.

...nice, your the one faing away, and beginning part to make sure your remembered, ...commone twist in alot of great poem

If I cleaned up
the mud covering my eyes
dried the dirty puddle
splashing,
in my soul
would you hold my hand
and dance with me again.
soaking in every touch
of passion.

ok, maybe this stanza could come before that previous one?...maybe not?


If I told you,
theres no flowing tears here,
just a rainbow,
would you believe
the promises of the past.
and see that
this is Love,
in plain clothes.
and there's
no strings attached.

nice metaphor.



i just liked the flow here a bunch, how spreaded out words was nice.

hit dark forest, pz .

[Prince Escobar]

Great drop Mindless...you have again rekindled my interest in your work....
This piece throughout was written elegantly with good images being portrayed, a good message good word choice it was very solid poetically. HOWEVER this was the turning point in the poem IMO
"If I cleaned up
the mud covering my eyes
dried the dirty puddle
splashing,
in my soul
would you hold my hand
and dance with me again.
soaking in every touch
of passion."
This stanza really resonated with me...the imagery of it really brought the poem 'over the hump' i guess you could say...great job i really enjoyed man...stay up and as always elevation is key, 1luv.