The Untitled.

[Brian Amaya.]

The Untitled

Ancient scriptures create blisters as my thoughts continue to linger
As blood continues to bubble upon my lonely red fingers
Scars dig like knifes back in time to my childhood days
As lives fluid flowed from my best friends impeccable ways
I grew up ruthless as my heart seemed to yearn to stay truthless
But it was all useless, my life could no longer learn, it confused this
My babypictures in half, not a full face to collapse
All of these lies in my past, can I take all these back?
Gruesome scenes at a young age, the streets locked me up in my cage
Never let go I'm afraid, I struggled and tumbled with hate
Could I dispose of all love? Was the Equinox truly to come?
Or was I just being dumb? Metaphorically soaring my thumb...
Never showing up in the night... my Momma's face never in sight...
Will my life stay within this plight? Or will my bad ways leave me and take flight?...
My eyes were blind to the colors..of my innocent sisters and brothers
I killed their menacing mothers..without a care for the others...
Johnny I miss you today, I regret all the bullets we sprayed...
Back in our horrible days, Can I take back all the hate?...
Bobby I don't know, you were always my true bro...
But when you got knifed low, I gave up on life so...
I'm done with my days of the past, but can I gain innocence back?
Get my life focus on track, And overcome struggles at last?...
Only one way to show em, I have to untitle this poem,
Stop all the rhyming at last, as I write on this final notepad...

[Mesmerize]

This was awesome. The words you used in this along with flow was amazing. Very nice work. This was overflowing with emotion and imagery. Keep this kind of writing up. Hope to see more from you.

peace,
Mez

[Brian Amaya.]

Why thank you.

[Brian Amaya.]

More?

[kwik_trigger]

that was some good shit... i hope you werent real about giving up rhyming though... i would be saddened... ya know.... youre a good writer... keep em kumin, peace...

[sNoopfox]

Ye I agree...I really felt this.
The emotion was definatly there, i had a clear description of what your about in the poem and your troubles.
The flow was smooth with a decent rhyme scheme, the concept was good and well crafted...very powerful and intrigueing made me read onto the end.
The end however, it suggested he was about to commit suicide...it might work for others but its abit cliche to me...it has set ending which is death. Would have liked to see abit more of an ambigious ending.

Solid drop thoughh.

Sweet.

sNoopfox

[Brian Amaya.]

I had no intention whatsoever of making the narrator commit suicide..

The story is told through my point of view...
All true...

So..yea its not a death ending persay...

[sNoopfox]

ahhh ok...ye i kinda got that, but your still alive Sweet. well drop more often, u got skillz.

Sweet.

sNoopfox

[Brian Amaya.]

Thanks.

[Foreshadow]

Damn this was a great piece. I'm nominating this for PSHOF. Because you did a great job. I like the imagery and the awesome description. You had some mine metaphors as well keep it up and keep dropping.

[Neruda II]

Your first lines had alot of potential, but just one word can ruin it, in this case "As". You used as in the first two lines. It made the transition from line to line strange. I didn't like how it read at all. In some types of poetry it's good to be repetitive but I don't think it worked well in those opening lines. However, I do like the imagery you portrayed it was a strong way to try and start your poem. Your third line, I think the word should be knives, not knifes. And in the fourth line, I think the begining is better as "As life's fluid flowed" I'm not sure if that's what you meant. Interesting, I think that line five and six had great potential, if just worded better. I could analyze the whole poem and find more mistakes but I'd rather not. But what I will do is tell you that you did a wonderful job describing imagery, it was strong and a bit obscure. You used a different style of imagery in this. I also liked the emotion you put into the poem, it seemed very real to me, and it's very important to remain true in you poetry. Overall, I see alot of potential in this, I think if you keep practicing that you will be an incredible poet, a poet and writer. Keep at it, you definetely have talent.