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Thread: Lifetimes

  1. #1


    the dove's daybreak wings toss off the morning dew
    hands lift hope's symbol in a flutter of cream color
    i mutter, then scream louder than i ever thought i could

    so painful, so beautiful

    elsewhere an elf's hair transforms its silver hue
    his icy touch grasps the mother to make her shudder
    i stutter and it breaks each other just as i knew it would

    so sorrowful, so decaying

    always a star's shattering gaze is looking down on you
    illuminating every path to be discovered, guides every rudder
    a lover, hides undercover, yet leads me places only good

    so true, so true

  2. #2
    Beautifully Decayed Mesmerize's Avatar
    Join Date
    May 2004
    Battle Record
    this was a pretty good peice. There were a few lines that seemed like the rhyming was forced, but you had some good multis. Id work on the emotion of it before i put thought in internals. I liked the stucture of this as well. You had some great imagery in your first couple lines. I could really see what you were trying to convey. Pretty good vocab too. Keep droppin.


    could you check out Unstitched Patterns, Id appreciate it, thanks.
    Last edited by Mesmerize; February 16th, 2005 at 01:33 AM

  3. #3
    This cut had me envisioning some Tolkien-esque type setting in my mind..but had the feel as though like a back ground chant of New Age soundtrack. (not dogging whatsoever)
    all in all it gave a mellow overtone, which was cool..and it was it wasnt drawn out.
    I see your style. I dig it!
    Im never a hater, if i ever dislike any piece I dont reply usually. You cant judge art with disrespect.
    Point taken....this is a call approach. ROCK ON!

  4. #4
    Conquering Lion Prince Escobar's Avatar
    Join Date
    May 2002
    New Jerusalem
    Battle Record
    Accomplishments (1)
    OM HOF
    "There were a few lines that seemed like the rhyming was forced" I also felt that in the second stanza, the rest seemed to come naturally. The images you showed in this piece were very elegant, you have talent as a writer. I particularly liked the final stanza and the way you left the ending somehwat open. This piece was like a room that you just stumble into, look around, and without any real sense of closure exit, this is a good thing, i liked, 1luv.
    Laying face down in the mainstream.

  5. #5
    thank you for all the kind words

    and i will get to your poem mez

  6. #6
    Fear Before The March Foreshadow's Avatar
    Join Date
    Jun 2004
    Portland, Oregon
    Battle Record
    Oh my god.......

    Damn this was amazing..... You had such a nice feel to this poem it was crazy...... I like how you had metaphors that were so graceful and so perfect for your words........ And the multies and inner rhyme scheme was just great.......... But the way you expressed this piece was just damn I dont even know how to say it.......... Keep posting and leaving feed your damn good..........

  7. #7
    thank you so much it is nice when someone catches something like an internal rhyming scheme it makes it worthwhile

    this was kinda a story of birth death and god I was trying something new

  8. #8
    Join Date
    Jan 2004
    Battle Record
    Accomplishments (2)
    2x PC HOF
    This was simply beautiful. I really like it.
    And reading your other stuff, ifeel bad for
    not paying attention sooner. You are obviously
    a talented poet, who deserves to be noticed.
    Anyways, like i said very impressive here.
    When i read the first part i was immediately
    drawn in. I think it was the wording
    it just felt so eloquent and natural the way
    it came across, the imagery was dope.
    The second stanza, good too, though like others
    said seemed like you focused on the rhyming
    a bit much, not to take away from it or anything, but
    it just didnt have the same appeal/feel as the
    opening lines. Way to come back strong though
    with the closer. You sorta recaptured what you
    brought with the opener. Sorry if this was a shotty
    break down, i always feel kind of silly replying to
    stuff especially poetry, being its a personal thing.
    It just seems generic, to me anyways as a writer,
    when you see people saying the same thing
    in every reply you get. It's rather hard to put into words
    sometimes exactly how a piece makes you feel or what
    sort of thoughts it puts into play. I hope you get what
    i'm saying though, and belive me when i say i appreciate
    stuff like this i can really get into. Thanks for posting this.


    and if you would, drop a reply on this
    it would be much appreciated. If you dont feel like it though
    no biggie
    Last edited by Mantra; February 26th, 2005 at 06:05 AM

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