User Tag List

Showing results 1 to 14 of 14

Thread: A Moment In Love

  1. February 24th, 2005, 06:47 PM #1
    Prince Escobar
    Prince Escobar is offline
    Conquering Lion Prince Escobar's Avatar
    Join Date
    May 2002
    Location
    New Jerusalem
    Posts
    9,745
    Battle Record
    8-6

    A Moment In Love

    Da NFamous
    A Moment In Love


    Im asked if i'm in love, and pause to waste time
    figertips dip filling the curves of her waistline
    i step into her, pulling close, intrigued by eyes as if they've never met
    feel my soul swimming in them, while i inhale her warm vanilla scent
    still i pause, caught in the moment, i feel her breasts rise, chest sighs
    as i lift my fingers to my lips, tasting the caramel trickling between her thighs
    sliding inside, a tear is born as we both take a long breath
    our cheeks graze and i whisper in her ear a warm yes
    her hips swerve as a drop of blood falls, in fact
    she gives me her all, as i explore the small of her back
    kisses increasing in passion, seconds slowly each of them passing
    i feel the wetness rush, tongues touch, keep me from asking
    am i the last and first, time would pass and i can't mask the hurt
    i love her but i fear our cheer wont be able to last a birth..
    Last edited by Prince Escobar; February 24th, 2005 at 06:49 PM
    Laying face down in the mainstream.
    Po.Ethics.
    Reply With Quote Reply With Quote
  2. February 24th, 2005, 11:26 PM #2
    Sublime D
    Sublime D is offline
    Word is Bond Sublime D's Avatar
    Join Date
    Oct 2003
    Location
    Buffalo, NY
    Age
    36
    Posts
    3,744
    Battle Record
    1-12
    this is very nice franklin...

    expressive, powerful imagery

    very easily flowing...

    detailed enough, without being explicit

    leaves enough room for individual vision

    nice job...
    Bittersweet
    Reply With Quote Reply With Quote
  3. February 25th, 2005, 09:07 AM #3
    ILLuz1oN
    ILLuz1oN is offline
    Newbie
    Join Date
    Feb 2005
    Location
    UK
    Age
    37
    Posts
    5
    This was ILL.. I was really feelin' this.. the last two lines were great and a really good ending..the imagery that came with it was powerful and made you wanna keep reading. Best piece I've seen on here so far.. stay up homie
    Reply With Quote Reply With Quote
  4. February 25th, 2005, 09:58 AM #4
    Ever Dream
    Ever Dream is offline
    You've Earned a Custom Title! Ever Dream's Avatar
    Join Date
    Jul 2004
    Location
    The dream that lasts for all of time
    Age
    34
    Posts
    240
    I like this one a lot! Had tons and tons of emotion, and at that it was extremely real emotion. Like david said, the imagery was defiantly there, but you left room to imagine... great job! Overall the piece had a very good flow to it, and it had an excellent ending. It kinda just sets in a real tone to the whole poem



    ....bless
    Last edited by Ever Dream; February 25th, 2005 at 10:00 AM Reason: forgot to say bless


    To view links or images in signatures your post count must be 50 or greater. You currently have 0 posts.

    Reply With Quote Reply With Quote
  5. February 25th, 2005, 10:26 AM #5
    sNoopfox
    sNoopfox is offline
    You've Earned a Custom Title! sNoopfox's Avatar
    Join Date
    Nov 2004
    Location
    Nottingham
    Age
    40
    Posts
    328
    This was a good piece. Very emotive, great choice of words and lots of good imagry came from this.
    It had abit of an anti-climax for me at the end, however still a good piece.
    The description at the beginning of the kiss was great, however as the read progressed it started to take away the innocent vibe I was getting and ended up falling into a more 'lustful' catogory.
    Still a great piece, one of the best I've read from you in a while...


    Im asked if i'm in love, and pause to waste time
    figertips dip filling the curves of her waistline
    ^Great opening lines

    feel my soul swimming in them
    ^nice imagry

    sliding inside, a tear is born as we both take a long breath
    our cheeks graze and i whisper in her ear a warm yes
    ^well worked rhyming couplets

    still i pause, caught in the moment, i feel her breasts rise, chest sighs
    as i lift my fingers to my lips, tasting the caramel trickling between her thighs
    ^Last line felt abit stretched

    Peace!

    sNoopfox
    Gone. Like Dust.
    Reply With Quote Reply With Quote
  6. February 25th, 2005, 12:22 PM #6
    R. Frost
    R. Frost is offline
    Banned
    Join Date
    Jul 2003
    Location
    Fort worth, TX
    Posts
    1,921
    Very nice piece here...

    Aint really read much from you due to me being ghost from the site for so long... the emotion in this piece was very strong... i really enjoyed the way you wrote this piece and gave off the imagery and emotion the way you did... really vivid and complex at the same time... very nice piece fam... stay up

    also can you hit up my most recient piece.. i just got outa writers block today

    Dieing Struggle
    Reply With Quote Reply With Quote
  7. February 25th, 2005, 12:51 PM #7
    Foreshadow
    Foreshadow is offline
    Fear Before The March Foreshadow's Avatar
    Join Date
    Jun 2004
    Location
    Portland, Oregon
    Posts
    3,107
    Battle Record
    8-8
    This was nice a little to vague but it was nice and I enjoyed reading it. I liked the description alot and I think you have the writters block off.
    Reply With Quote Reply With Quote
  8. February 26th, 2005, 12:32 AM #8
    Prince Escobar
    Prince Escobar is offline
    Conquering Lion Prince Escobar's Avatar
    Join Date
    May 2002
    Location
    New Jerusalem
    Posts
    9,745
    Battle Record
    8-6
    Good look all ya'll for the replies, ima get back at ya'll soon, elevation is key, 1luv.
    Laying face down in the mainstream.
    Po.Ethics.
    Reply With Quote Reply With Quote
  9. February 26th, 2005, 02:36 AM #9
    young ryda
    Guest
    that was really sick wit tons of emotion adn sensory nice sit and very passionit


    -ryda
    Reply With Quote Reply With Quote
  10. February 26th, 2005, 06:38 PM #10
    Prince Escobar
    Prince Escobar is offline
    Conquering Lion Prince Escobar's Avatar
    Join Date
    May 2002
    Location
    New Jerusalem
    Posts
    9,745
    Battle Record
    8-6
    ^Thank you i appreciate it, elevation is the key, 1luv.
    Laying face down in the mainstream.
    Po.Ethics.
    Reply With Quote Reply With Quote
  11. February 26th, 2005, 06:48 PM #11
    Fiasco
    Fiasco is offline
    you never ready Fiasco's Avatar
    Join Date
    Apr 2004
    Location
    New Jersey
    Posts
    892
    Damn son u did it again lol i'm really feelin ya style, i seen a couple of joints from u and they've all been hot so props. In this one i really liked the imagery i was feeling the love haha really liked the flow of it though like someone said that caramel line did seem a bit iffy, overall one of the better pieces up here, keep droppin
    -Fiasco
    Po'Ethics.
    Reply With Quote Reply With Quote
  12. February 27th, 2005, 05:42 PM #12
    Prince Escobar
    Prince Escobar is offline
    Conquering Lion Prince Escobar's Avatar
    Join Date
    May 2002
    Location
    New Jerusalem
    Posts
    9,745
    Battle Record
    8-6
    ^Geez, thanks for the acclaim it's def as appreciated as the criticism, elevation ya'll, 1luv.
    Laying face down in the mainstream.
    Po.Ethics.
    Reply With Quote Reply With Quote
  13. March 1st, 2005, 08:21 AM #13
    The Vortex
    The Vortex is offline
    You've Earned a Custom Title! The Vortex's Avatar
    Join Date
    Nov 2004
    Location
    here and there
    Posts
    3,288
    Battle Record
    28-5
    the opening 2 lines are great... maybe the word seeped could of replaced =trickling/caramel


    i luv da enjambment it keeps me going thru da poem

    last line was a bit of a let down for real
    flow is almost musical liked it a lot... nice rhyme endings as well

    pz1
    Reply With Quote Reply With Quote
  14. March 1st, 2005, 07:58 PM #14
    Prince Escobar
    Prince Escobar is offline
    Conquering Lion Prince Escobar's Avatar
    Join Date
    May 2002
    Location
    New Jerusalem
    Posts
    9,745
    Battle Record
    8-6
    ^Thanks for the advice and the reply man, appreciate it coming from you, elevation is key, 1luv.
    Laying face down in the mainstream.
    Po.Ethics.
    Reply With Quote Reply With Quote
« Previous Thread | Next Thread »

Similar Threads

  1. the moment
    By JC Real in forum Open Mic
    Replies: 6
    Last Post: May 16th, 2006, 11:43 PM
  2. At the moment
    By Jacent. in forum The Lounge
    Replies: 4
    Last Post: December 2nd, 2005, 01:23 PM
  3. In one moment.
    By DALC in forum Poetic Scriptures
    Replies: 3
    Last Post: September 19th, 2004, 09:31 AM
  4. One Moment
    By t-west in forum Open Mic
    Replies: 6
    Last Post: January 16th, 2004, 08:17 PM

Posting Rules

  • You may not post new threads
  • You may not post replies
  • You may not post attachments
  • You may not edit your posts
  •  

Forum Rules