The Ultimate Goodbye

[Kaptin]

The Ultimate Goodbye

We could have been one, like two braided ropes
Instead you lay asleep, as I write this note
Your right next to me but I cant bare to see your face
Because its hard to see it and not try to embrace
You can’t cheat on me and act like nothing ever happened
You cant escape a hell hole that You yourself made for us to be trapped in
Face the facts of life and deal with the bad sides
Deal with the rawness of reality like picking your house up after a landslide
But still even if I had forgiven you, you’d only do it again
Till the formality of the two’s nature causes you to forget to pretend
I could take your life as we speak and commit your earned murder
But I could take myself and frame you by smearing your prints on the burner
If the truth is covered with lies and the gun’s pointed clear at the throat
Then the truth is the gun the lies are the life and the uncovering is in this note
So as I lay in a bloody rest tonight and you wake up and wonder why?
Realize it was you and your actions that made me say The Ultimate Goodbye

[Kaptin]

http://rapbattles.com/forum/showthr...733#post2519733
http://rapbattles.com/forum/showthr...755#post2519755

[Kaptin]

up................................................

[Mistral]

The links do not work, Fix them.

[Kaptin]

The links do not work, Fix them.

http://rapbattles.com/forum/showthread.php?t=198625
http://rapbattles.com/forum/showthre...81#post2523781

done.

[M Pulsive]

I liked it...It had feeling and good clever writing to it...it might not be super vocabulated or multies but it was still worth a read...nice topic and views of the husband...a little to good, like if u were almost in that situation before hmmmm...well anyways good drop

[Kaptin]

thnx for the comments, up...........................

[CrazyCarl]

This was an alright piece. You used wordplay to get emotion across, I liked how you inserted the similies. Your lines got longer as the verse went on, try to be conscious of your meter. With practice, your word choice will improve and your pieces can be more complex.
Return the feedback
http://www.rapbattles.com/forum/showthread.php?t=200068

[Nick James...]

Best lines -

Face the facts of life and deal with the bad sides
Deal with the rawness of reality like picking your house up after a landslide
(I liked the truth in this...8.5/10)

I could take your life as we speak and commit your earned murder
But I could take myself and frame you by smearing your prints on the burner
(I liked how U expressed the possibilties of what U could have done...9/10)

This was pretty dope...excellent message and rhyme scheme with the story. There was many possible routes U could have gon, but U surprised the reader by simply just leaving a not and not murdering the woman. And the story was expressed well from the beginning to the end. Too short though...and next time express your love for the woman more...so the story of being beside the woman U once loved has more emotion and feeling. And it would also be better if U brought another plot into the story, of her maybe cheating on you. Elevate on those and U shoudl be good

Overall rate - 8/10

Hit up the open mics in my sig...

[Kaptin]

thnx for the comments, uppin for more

[Kaptin]

thnx for the comments, excluding problem child

[Hugh Jazz]

short but good. imagery was captivating. flow could have been improved by improving your structure. emotion was there...could have added more by saying something about yourself that showed emotion...overall a solid drop from a new face........just keep reading and you'll find new ways to improve your work

[Taeisbeast.]

Nice. I enjoyed this. The imagery and the concept, was really well. Focus on being more elaborate and fixing any errors along the way. Dont stretch lines either. Makes the flow go off. Decent.

[Kaptin]

thnx for the comments, damn christina millian is fine...

[Kaptin]

up.