ayo rate ma shit dis is hot

[spider loc]

Me loosin is somethen like seenin a black president/
Like saying bin laden is heaven-sent/
It never gona happen as long as I keep spittin/
This is freestyle so why u dropin shit that is half prewrittin/
My punches be shells and they ant the ones with yoke/
They the ones that come from da nigga peeps fear most, spider loc/
Im a real nigga unlike u fake ass nigga that be synthetic/
Hurt u so bad u need some over the counter anesthetic/
Pussy ass bitches u soft/
The only time u gangsta is when u on microsoft/
Talkin on spiders name is the wrong button to be pushin/
Fuck pins, im putting blades in ur pincushin/
Try beefin with me at ur own expense/
Blow half ur head of like the boy in The Six Sense/
Im the nigga thata put u in a whole body sling/
my punchlines comin out da screen lik da girl in the ring/
loc eat beef like it was mcdonalds cheeseburgas/
and watch out cause the boi also murdas/
like an ak-47 ur mouth like to jam/
I devoir niggas like in silence of the lamb/
But really yea pussy food and I don’t mean cat chow/
Read my rhymes and even have ur ass sayin waow/
im 20 but the way u spit looks like im seening 21/
it only took acouple bars but bitches already started to run/

[lyricalgenius]

where to start with what was wrong with this piece, well, first of all the title, (read the rules), second of all, you shouldn't put / at the end of each line, the first rhyme was from 2pac changes, (heaven sent/black president), third you rhymed soft with soft, jam with lamb, chow with wow, way too simple, fourth, talking about being hard and guns and shit is dumb, some of ur metas werent terrible, and I kinda liked synthetic/ anesthetic for some reason, I suggest you read the forum rules and the Rb tutorials, drop the being hard shit, get rid of /, tighten up your flow, use better vocab, dont bite lines, and just keep working on ur shit

[Dan Dare]

Needs a legit title, closed.