Beaten

[>Inertia>]

Why does my best leave me so dissapointed with myself?
Feel like..
Severing my own head with the ox, just to leave it on the shelf.
Melody of church bells drips across my brain, salvation in vain.
White and thunderous is the pain, every facet is going insane.
I envisioned a family, fireplace love and dinner party hosts.
Yet I drift under the everglades, tar-covered dove mingling with ghosts.
Where's the hope? Nestled under the crease of your dissaproving eyes.
Sometimes I feel like wing-clipped 15th story leaps- I can't lie.
Undeveloped fetal contortions, my mind seeks an abortion.
Crumpled under the stress of the Atlas, gruesome death would be fortune.
Sometimes I seizure, thinking of body parts to cut off and please her.
Swirling pastels and blotched oil paints replace my once sharp features.
The morning creeps up on me-
Every fucking day.
Lives are summed up by the word of mouth;
and I feel like, I've nothing to say.
Morning dew across my ankles, is closest to fresh starts these days.
White sheets turn dark and evil, in every place I lay.
Amongst the metropolis I move, a world apart, everything is new
Yet why do I feel so fucking ugly, when I'm not with you?
The sweat soaked beats of urban life flow through my veins
As I trudge through the darkness..
...stressing the factors of my pain.
Fatherless, dissapointing bastard with a mom who cares too much,
If I'm going to school next year, then why am I such..
a premeditated wash up, fucked and useless in my vision.
I couldn't make the cut if I scratched my wrists with incisions.
Called obese in school, played up as the class fool.
Larger than the fucking life and world I destined myself to rule.
Now look at me, broken and pieced, can't find no fucking peace.
My heart's on lease, I feel like one of the flock like geese.
Nameless, and frankly, if success is so fucking near,
Why can't I reach it? Why do I succumb to fear?

Beaten.

[>Inertia>]

http://www.rapbattles.com/forum/show...26#post2877926

[>Inertia>]

http://www.rapbattles.com/forum/show...67#post2877967

[Incineratedrose]

Quoteeeables (and / or fav parts)

"Why does my best leave me so dissapointed with myself?
Feel like..
Severing my own head with the ox, just to leave it on the shelf."

The Opener was cool, i really liked that line, muchas cool.

"Where's the hope? Nestled under the crease of your dissaproving eyes.
Sometimes I feel like wing-clipped 15th story leaps- I can't lie."

OMFGOMFGOFNDHFDH *saves to computer* I liked that one, my favorite thus far.

"Amongst the metropolis I move, a world apart, everything is new
Yet why do I feel so fucking ugly, when I'm not with you?"

Another, *saves again* im just gonna save the whole thing, havent done that in a while

End conclusiiiiion, i really liked the word usage, and the content of what you wrote, i felt it was very deep and something you can relate to on multiple levels, which is tough to accomplish. You make 5 people read it they take it 5 different ways, beautiful.

Love it.

[Logic Speaks]

dope shit yo, this line right here:

Undeveloped fetal contortions, my mind seeks an abortion.
Crumpled under the stress of the Atlas, gruesome death would be fortune.

made a nigga shiver, shit was dope. and damn, this was one of the first times i've seen so much vocab get used, without being overused, at all, most of the time it seems like a pathetic attempt to be intelligent but you pulled it off sick-type. if you havent gone through anything like this, then DAMN @ how well you painted the picture. dope shit, honestly.

[>Inertia>]

up.

[Visual-X]

Man i liked everything in this piece
keep up the great work

"a premeditated wash up, fucked and useless in my vision.
I couldn't make the cut if I scratched my wrists with incisions.
Called obese in school, played up as the class fool.
Larger than the fucking life and world I destined myself to rule."

i liked those lines the best, your shit wuz tight, peace

[SMZ]

you had the heart of this... didn't knock out... but energy's there... which isn't to say it was average - just to say there was more potential... the rhyme seemed to limit you mostly:

Amongst the metropolis I move, a world apart, everything is new
Yet why do I feel so fucking ugly, when I'm not with you?
The sweat soaked beats of urban life flow through my veins
As I trudge through the darkness..
...stressing the factors of my pain.
Fatherless, dissapointing bastard with a mom who cares too much,
If I'm going to school next year, then why am I such..
a premeditated wash up, fucked and useless in my vision.
I couldn't make the cut if I scratched my wrists with incisions.
Called obese in school, played up as the class fool.
Larger than the fucking life and world I destined myself to rule.
Now look at me, broken and pieced, can't find no fucking peace.
My heart's on lease, I feel like one of the flock like geese.

^that section was strong... excepting the last line which could use a slight bit of change - good work mainly tho - little more focus and woulda been very good

[Jacent.]

lotta emotion here but this reminds me of when deon bodyslammed a nigga into three tables then tried to jump from the rafters but ended up doin an owen hart

but yea, this shit was nice fareal

[>Inertia>]

up/

[Alize59]

yo good shit on diz. I was really feelin it. Some emotion,multi's, vocab, and good flow to go wit it.

Fav line:

"a premeditated wash up, fucked and useless in my vision.
I couldn't make the cut if I scratched my wrists with incisions."

Good work keep it up.

[2hot2handle]

That was good. Ya vocab was good and the flow was good. It seemed like the lines were a little too long but ya did well. Ya had good imagery and good emotion in it. The message was clear and the metaphors were great. The piece is something seen to me as ya life that you dont feel too good. Keep it up and keep writin. Structure a little better.

[the_madhatter]

This was a hot one right here. There was a lot of methaphoric imagery mixed in with the good word usage. As well as being able to display a sense of emotion all throughout. We don't see that a lot in topicals, I'll admit that sometimes I mess up in that area. But this was real good. Keep doin ya thing.

[h0mIcIde]

Very nice, the imagery was great, good wordplay and creativity, the flow was on point and so was the concept and idea's that came with it. Always droppin good shit, keep it up man.

[sILLable]

DOPE....very DOPE....your imagery...amazing....your vocab and wordplay...amazing...complexity and rhyme scheme..genious...very original....i really liked this piece...your emotion and well pretty much everything...all in all very dope piece....keep droppin tha hottness.~1~