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Thread: Quick Keystyle Collab: Stars and Gripes Feat. Camarac

  1. #1
    You've Earned a Custom Title! Gurbil's Avatar
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    Quick Keystyle Collab: Stars and Gripes Feat. Camarac

    [ Camarac ]

    My challenging mind,
    Was borne the first time our planets aligned ..
    .. Amongst the stars I found my bliss - Pluto's ice around my wrist.
    Saturns rings on every finger, and Im dressed in solar Flares ..
    .. delved in the Black Holes of black bitches,

    Yet im still colder than Polar Bears.

    Always said I had Star quality. Now I've cheddar and change ..
    .. but, fuck Light man - we're HEAVY years ahead of the game.
    I never had no need to Planet, my future was mapped out ..
    Im losing my concentration, sipping rocket fuel til I pass out.

    [ Gurbil ]

    No space spare,
    Consumed by darkness,I shone like the sun
    Gods is the artist, Hes heartless, Shooting stars are on the run.
    Taking time to admire, The empire "As it Strikes Back"
    My only Gripes that,The night and day are black,
    And theres this lack of oxygen that stops me in my track,
    My hunger for the world, is now more that of Galactus infact.
    Theres talk of alien spaceships, but that talk gets killed tonight,
    These U.nified F.oreign O.bjects, are the stars that supply my will to write.
    Those cosmic rays instilled my sight;& Id like you to dwell on this,
    We're on a higher plane that you. Best hope we arent intergallactic Terrorists.

    peace.
    Gurbinator

    Gurbil
    ...The New Wave Of RB's Talent...

  2. #2
    Yo that shit was preeety fuckin' tight. I thought That shit was unique simplistic oo the vocab. deep on the message flow was tight but in all that was fuckin dope keep postin shit I like to read it.

  3. #3
    You've Earned a Custom Title! Gurbil's Avatar
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    Last edited by Gurbil; January 23rd, 2006 at 10:09 AM
    Gurbinator

    Gurbil
    ...The New Wave Of RB's Talent...

  4. #4
     
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    ok. Cam.

    your piece was coming together nice until you got into the whole.. now I got cheddar. blah blah stuff like that. Your vocabulary started pretty good but like I said.. it slowly dwindled down into simplistic things. Your imagery was very average. Not giving me a good mental picture going. I think you best attribute in this piece was your flow and structure. On point, not too choppy. All in all par work.

    Gurbil - Your piece had a bit better vocabulary than cam's but just like his, didnt stay strong throughout the whole piece. Your verse had the opportunity to be really nice but I think honestly your ending destroyed it. The intergellactic terrorist idea was pretty bad if you ask me. Your imagery was nice, I had a bit of a mental picture brewing in my head. With some bigger vocabulary and a story line, you could have some really nice work. I'll be looking into your work in the future. Keep writing and stay up.

    Overall - This piece isnt worthy of any awards or nominations. I think had it had a bigger/more colorful vocabulary, and more vivid details, it could have been a decent piece. But it lacked in some areas.

    like I said.. it was an up to par piece but not getting you any recognition. Keep practicing and writing and hope to see really good pieces from you in the future.

    -Thanks.
    Roc-A-Fella !

  5. #5
    You've Earned a Custom Title! Gurbil's Avatar
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    thanks for the advice ill try to im prove it

    Peace
    Gurbinator

    Gurbil
    ...The New Wave Of RB's Talent...

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