Patented Hearts with Laurete

[D. Josey]

Laureate
Exact

I see you every eve, and there’s nothing to regret
Because your beauty is reflected in every sunset
Your glow and the awe I witness every moment
And I hate falling asleep, for the time that is stolen
Except for the dreams, I remember half the time
All the fantasies, which are played out in my mind
My first and last love, nothing can ever compare
You say I’m on cloud 9, more like cloud 9 squared
I’ll treasure you forever, with this X on my chest
My heart is patented, I’d give you nothing less

I’d pagne to champagne under a chapeau in your life
and twiddle with your heart under mastermind makeshifts.
Only revealing the creator of my patented love. Ecstasy
is haywire circuitry and I doubt what I’m feeling is passion.
You lip-sync my mind onto thick cellist notes and you know
what I’m feeling every minute of the day. Man, I’m high on
the reverberations of her and love still floating on end fade
base riffs. If I should feel her leaving me for a second, I program
the equation into her patented heart.

[Cody Nash]

http://www.rapbattles.com/forum/showthread.php?t=307721
^both of you, i'd greatly appreciate returning feed.

this was an interesting piece. it seemed like it was missing something but yet it was meant to only cover one section of its topic ..i dunno, if that makes sense? lol. it was so descriptive about like ..getting INSIDE of someones heart, and lauretes went so well together and talked (to me) about how much he's committed to this person or object. While as Exacts side, explained how they're meant to be and could never escape each other, because he'd just hold onto her with his patented heart. it was a very harmonic piece. loved the rhythm to it. great read, short but not too short or too long. good piece, i'll go ahead and nominate it ..see where it gets ya ..

- Nash

[D. Josey]

thanks, man.

[D. Josey]

again.

[Jon]

Damn..

This was AMAZING. Loved your piece especially Exact, Lyric, you did pretty well too. I liked Laureate's part due to the metaphores, like Cloud 9, more like cloud nine squared, that was definatly one of the best lines. Exact, man, I can not tell you how much I loved your verse. I loved the vocabulary though I had to look up most of the words. Great imaginary both, great picture you painted, I hope to see more from both of you, keep it up, keep writing.

If you could:
http://www.rapbattles.com/forum/showthread.php?t=308079

[Soule]

Great...No Incredible peice,

The Wordplay from both was Wonderful. Carries strong and what not. The Flow was nice and carried its image of greatness through both verses. The Emotion was very hard and deep making it a great part of Patended Hearts. The Creativty was very nice and helped. The Imagenary was Great and you both made stories run through my mind like a Book or Movie. This peice altogether was PERFECT. 10-10. Look for it as I will nominate this. Great peice guys.

~Blind

[Dat]

Laureate, nothing quite special to say about your part here, you came as always - a better poet on RB with a great understanding of your part and subject. That's all i can say directly.

I'm glad that you put Laureates part first - because with no offense, if Exact was first Laureate would have made me stop reading. It is needless to say that Exact outshone here, both in content and colour.

Exact, i'm not entirely sure due to a lack of proper reading things today, but if i took your part correctly i would say you took a slightly psychotic approach; in that you have 'patented' her heart.
Using circuitry and a 'system' of sorts, as though things happen for a reason - in a cause and effect type scenario, was a great tickly way of making your piece so much more original and enthralling to read.
The use of bass, as mentioned in your 'thick cellist notes' and 'floating on end fade bass riffs' are giving me a hard on.
The use of bass, deep frequency vibrations and reverbrating objects as such are an incredible way of accentuating the value of love/sex/frustration/tension, all closely linked.
Therefore, the power and potential force of your words and emotions were catapulted forwards through these stanzas.

A great piece for both, and Exact i'm proud to have you in WV. Keep writing, keep shining.

[D. Josey]

Up.

[Dyl]

Ok firstly I would like to say...great piece guys.You really showed your true talent.Exavt your piece was very impressive with briallant imagery and it really was a strong point in this poem.Your wording was excellent and I really connected with its flow.Your creativity was....well.....fuckin super.You just relly put your mind to the test and came out with the goods.

Laur again your poem was very well written but I stl would have liked to have seen a little bit better from you.Your wording in places could have been a bit better.In places you could have been a bit more discriptive but that is only in 1 or 2 pieces.Nice job though...just being a bit fussy because its too early for me right now.Great piece you guys.Keep it up

-Dyl

[LedgenZ]

Well, this was defiantly NOT what you would call your typical love poem, but still an interesting read to say the least. I’m not quite sure which verse I loved the best. They both seemed to possess different outlooks on love. I liked Laurent’s piece for its sensibility , his verse just seemed to have a certain charm about itself. It had yesterdays type values as well as old world chivalry . Now I’m not saying his verse was written in old English or anything; I’m just saying those are the type of qualities that it possessed.

My favorite L lines:
You say I’m on cloud 9, more like cloud 9 squared

^now that’s obviously a standout line…nuff said

Also:
My heart is patented, I’d give you nothing less

^Now that’s the shit I’m talking about! That damn near brought a tear to my eye (LOL). I don’t know what it is about that line…but it just seems like you can feel it…the emotion is real…its one of those lines that you end a movie on…that you finish a book with. Its that serious…don’t know why - just is.


Now Ex’s verse was hot to. It was so different, so unique, so totally left- field of traditional love poetry. Instead of being overly emotional, and otherwise unpredictable, it was as if he organized, programmed, and computerized a synthetic version of love. His verse was so futuristic and robotic, as if it was a premonition into our own destiny and inevitable future.

Favorite Ex lines:
Ecstasy
is haywire circuitry and I doubt what I’m feeling is passion.

^the confusion in this line reminds me of the robot in IROBOT. It had a very unnatural feel, almost systematic, but I think that was exactly the type of reaction you were going for. I can really appreciate the idea of this line; as well as admire the craftiness of your words.

Also:
I I should feel her leaving me for a second, I program
the equation into her patented heart.

^lol, You remind me of a robot that builds robots. Like a factory of Tin-men being installed hearts on an assembly line. Like I said it’s a very unique and unconventional perspective.


All in all you both did your things. Excellent piece, great execution!


Pz

[P. Mortuus]

This was a good piece, i liked the poetic vibe to this though i have to say Exact had a more atmospheric vibe to his verse. Not at all demeaning Lauretess though as it was a very good and solid pverse and held on it's own. What i liked most was the 9 squared line which was quite celver, in my opinion. Exact, you had a good grasp of vocabulary i this verse and managed to make the reader feel the atmosphere whilst describing your intentions. At a part you addressed the reader also which was good in my terms.
Overall, this was a good, short read by two good writers..Stay up^.

I'd appreciate some comments on this poem:
http://www.rapbattles.com/forum/showthread.php?t=308530

[D. Josey]

Thanksalot.

[status_unknown]

I liked this. This was pretty good. Content was beautiful. This was very solid in some area's. Nothing much was really lacking besides the imagery, but that really doesn't matter. Anyways, i liked the read and look forward to more pieces aswell. No hate bruh. Pz...

http://www.rapbattles.com/forum/showthread.php?t=308618

Feedback appreciated^^