I see her birth

[P. Mortuus]

Drink in the sounds strummed by the rubber
Fragment the pixels that create your vision
Caress my stanzas & kiss my scriptures
The coughing novels itch to relieve my mind
But I won’t write……

Chisel me a flower that will never lose its shape
While I laugh at your pain & cry at my mistake
I’m hungry to see the projector begin the slideshow
Grow the stones that will decorate my fireplace
But I’ll break them…..

Live in the caved cranium that brings forth
Ideas; springing from the springboard they dive
Creating sounds perplexing parents who care
The face changes forms & fountains in stress
But I don’t care……

Laugh me happiness, infect me with your joy
Bring forth the monotony cycle to shape my
Life; I’m swimming between rivers of tears
Tears that snigger at my weak heart which cries
I see her birth….

["lil Neefy"]

"Laugh me happiness"

^ Don't know why but that was my favorite part of this whole piece.

I loved the metaphorical meaning to each stanza. It was quite pleasant to read. I have to say, your very unrecognized to the fact that you bring some of the most unique concepts.

Your wording was pretty solid. You kept the same level of complexity in each stanza. Some lines seemed as if they weren't pertaining to what you ended on though. like the last stanza..

"Life; I'm swimmin gbetween rivers of tears
Tears that snigger at my weak heart which cries
I see her birth..."

While I see where your going with that, they kind of stray apart from each other. Especially because you started that stanza with Talking about Happiness... You know?

Well that's all I have for you. Good poem. Keep writing my friend.

Pz.

Whitey.

[P. Mortuus]

I know what you mean lol....but yeah i appreciate the comments and the happiness infecting thing was that the guy aint happy whilst the woman is....throughout the poem he talks the talk of wanting a child but isn't ready na mean. Once again i appreciate the comments.

[P. Mortuus]

Bump Bump.

[LedgenZ]

Man you HAVE to change your fucking NAME!!! I swear to god…. I keep forgetting…. how fucking DOPE your are…. And… I don’t know why….or what the cause might be…but I’m thinking part of the problem is your moniker…its doesn’t necessarily scream intellectual lyricist…neither does mine….but you know.

Anyways, dope piece as always. Incredible language like always. Great placement, terrific metaphors, and impeccable fluidity…oh yeah…like always. Pak you seriously have to do something to get yourself in the limelight, get noticed, I don’t know start a rumor or something, get some type of recognition , because you most definitely have to be one of RB’s most underrated. I know…sad - but true.


Favorite lines:
Chisel me a flower that will never lose its shape
While I laugh at your pain & cry at my mistake
I’m hungry to see the projector begin the slideshow
Grow the stones that will decorate my fireplace


^Look I don’t know what the fuck your talking about, but your language along is strong enough to draw praise form. I absolutely love the way you word your pieces!

Live in the caved cranium that brings forth
Ideas; springing from the springboard they dive
Creating sounds perplexing parents who care
The face changes forms & fountains in stress


^look man I’m taking this shit for its surface value, because like I said - I’m lost, I have no idea what your trying to get at…but I don’t care, because you poetic crafting is intense and your metaphors are so rich that it becomes almost impossible to deny your props. I don’t know what everyone else thought or will think, but me personally, I thought that little portion quoted above was ill as hell!


Life; I’m swimming between rivers of tears

^case in point……I’m though


This entire drop/poem was enjoyable


Keep it up!


Pz

[P. Mortuus]

WEll i appreciate that...as for the limelight...i started to shine too late an mean and for the name...i aint got the name change option yet lol..once again thanks, i'll make sure i hit something of yours up before i leave. Stay up^

[P. Mortuus]

RB is fuckin the message stuff.

[P. Mortuus]

Working fine now..

[D. Josey]

This is a tight poem man. I love the imagery and the metaphors mixed with the similes in this piece. Just great descriptive work all in all. This seems like a topic that would've been touched on already, but nevertheless I great and unique piece. I liked some of the abstract style that almost came in, but the natural style overlapped it, and it still didn't fail my expectations.

Overall, good one man.

[P. Mortuus]

thanks.

[P. Mortuus]

^^^.

[Liquid Content]

Yeah yeah feedback

I loved your imagery in this piece... it was very vivid and painted a picture as a read along. You was good with descriping everything in this piece and it seems that you stuck to the topic very well. Your Metaphors and your similes was very good in this aswell they stood out to me very much. overall a very good piece i enjoyed it very much

please return the favor on this piece

http://www.rapbattles.com/forum/show...52#post5117352