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Thread: I'm Watching You...

  1. #1
    -Camera Kisses- P. Mortuus's Avatar
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    I'm Watching You...

    I’m watching you….

    Tourists titillate against garish incipient gardens
    Feigning mock delight at the forlorn pond fishes
    Conjuring empty jokes to delight empty minds
    Rabbits pounce out the rouge dyed ribbons
    On top the silken hats; to delight delirious youths
    The words are like delinquent juveniles actions
    Always trying to escape; lemmings controlled
    To tunnel & excavate, bright lights shimmer
    I mix herbs & spices, am I caught red handed?
    Or do I cleanse unseen blood off my hands like Macbeth


    Walk on top rough patched grass which clicks at my heels
    Eat orange peels at Haute cuisines with age old wine
    Grandmother’s best recipes slowly sold to commercialisation
    I eat insipid ingredients and drink torrid soups charring
    My throat; gratified by women whipping my wounds
    It’s a posh massage; a modern day ethical consideration
    I’m a lost soul! ...a Freudian slip concurs to give away plots
    And plans I unhand daft tactics to become a tactless spy
    Obscurely watching your every move
    …………………..I live with you, a cunning window fly

  2. #2
    -Camera Kisses- P. Mortuus's Avatar
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    Bump.

  3. #3
    -Camera Kisses- P. Mortuus's Avatar
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    Bump

  4. #4
    Soule
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    Bump again..DO IT!

    This peice was nice. Structre could have been better. The Wording was nice..very mature. The Creativty was meh but Imagenary was wonderful. The Flow was nice and smooth. Sexy..lol. The Story itself was nice. The end was a little forced. Keep writing man. Its what you're meant for.

    ~Blind.

  5. #5
    -Camera Kisses- P. Mortuus's Avatar
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    I don't know i liked the ending, but yeah thanks ^.

  6. #6
    -Camera Kisses- P. Mortuus's Avatar
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    Leave links i'll return.

  7. #7
    Born from Ink Spekz.'s Avatar
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    Pak...you write with an amazing amout of imagery....and i love it. Sadly this piece is getting lookd over..and i sense that blind didnt really read deeply into this piece. cuz it was extremely powerful. the imagery,vocab..and overall wording just won me over it. And smh at blind saying the ending was forced..i thought it was a great twist..and i never rlly seen it coming...and thought it was perfect thing to do. It has a very creepy feel to it..than at the end you just have to chuckle at the twist.....vocab was nice, and really added some complexity to ur wording/imagery....but wasnt over done so thats nice....great things in this piece..and i think the ending was my favorite part..but definetly a worth while read.....im thinking we need to collab..dont get around to much of ur work..but i like what i see!..(and now we fam so ya.)..


    Go hit up my poem...Swingers nightmare (just a quick fun piece....i took a break from writing for awhile..and was doing text, so im just doing some small things..to get my groove back) ..but if u havent read nething by me..hit up search..and if ur down lets collab!
    Succeed Without Fear



    Written Voices

  8. #8
    -Camera Kisses- P. Mortuus's Avatar
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    Yup thanks for the comments good to see you enjoyed it...yup hit me up whenever for the colab.

  9. #9
    -Camera Kisses- P. Mortuus's Avatar
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    Would another bump bring a bruise..........:\

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