Looking Back

**Kage** · October 24th, 2006, 07:55 AM

Early in my childhood I can remember sunshine
Light rain soft breeze every moment was mine
No worries or quarrals just birds lungs at work
When the sun was rising a new day was birthed
.
.
I was young not even in my teens living so free
Had the world in my palm I new god was with me
But as I grew older he disapeared with the sun
Everything I disliked as I grew I slowly become
Started talking trash about people I really new
Put my dreams in the windowsill an out they flu
Destined to never come back into my life again
I was close to, a young athlete better then men
Thirteen years old playing provincial soccer
I loved my life, but I was thirteen when I saw her
Her name was Tamara my first crush and kiss
I was in love, I didn't think it could turn out like this
But I look back now and see that girl took away my wish....
.
.
I look back now and I see, now i'm nineteen
And I gave up then what today I could've been
All over a girl. cause when push come to shove
I should've pushed and shoved that love away
So today instead of trying to take responcibility
For my actions, I wouldn't have to ask this...
Was my dream set in motion and really a possibility?
I look back now an wonder...but i'll never know..

**Atti** · October 24th, 2006, 02:44 PM

it was extremely basic - to the point the simplisity cheapened your words. as a whole i felt like a lot of these little generic poetry techniques were thrown into the mix, but they were used to such an average standard that it greatly distracted from the contectual integrity of the piece. case in point being, the rhyme scheme. it turned the piece from this heartfelt self-reflection to a monotonous 'blah-blah' of some personality deficient life. i mean, for me poetry is an expression of complete and unaltered self ... so when i can't grasp a sense of the writers emotion i feel like there's nothing to the piece, and the other aspects of the work, regardless of their calibur, just mesh into this mass of artificial oblivion. but, i know you're knocking off the rust so, keep leaving the links and i'll keep feeding - looking forward to seeing your full potential.