Wk01 - lw Truth lw vs. The Artist

[fastforwords]

Sacred Scriptures Week 01

9. lw Truth lw vs. 10. The Artist

Verses due: Thursday, March 8th 2007.
Voting ends: Sunday, March 11th 2007.

Please vote on 3 battles.

Goodluck

[Truth Iscariot]

check

[Extinctor Draconis]

heyah

[Truth Iscariot]

Just Another Day

Meet jim diggins a 32 year old from the suburbs of north side
he married young had a kid with his bride; you know the full ride
every thing in his life was normal; almost care free
until May twenty seventh the year two thousand he met me!

Jim woke up. Oh, how it was beautiful as the dew reflected the morning son.
Little did he know the unraveling of his universe had begun.
until he realized where his wife should lay there was a note.
Saying the next time he grabbed her by her throat
the threat would be remote someone head was going to float
jim was astonished he couldn't remember any of these events
filled with emotional torment, without time to lament
he got from his bed and went to the bathroom to brush his teeth
he got done and his gums were aching in disbelief
behind the bathroom window were the pills were kept at
was a another note from his wife which said "in last nights combat
his toothbrush accidently feel into the container of bleach
and sorry but she has a lesson to teach"
throwing up at the few last lines jim became enraged
feeling caged he kicked the toleit, sink, and engaged
to stage a arson, burn the entire house down
Thinking 'Jim Diggins was not not to be made a clown"
after slipping on his work suit he lit a book of matches
threw them on the floor thinking what is someone was to catch him
this crime would wreck him so as he sped away
in his luxury car he was already thinking "boy what a day"

As Jim arrived at work a half hour late
he thought I’ll tell it to the boos straight
but security was at the gate
snatched him buy and drug him to the bosses
office, caught almost in a shock coughing
after he stopped his eyes from crossing
he looked straight at the man
he answered to; a cheap cigar in hand
The boss began to speak and started with these words
"you think you can get hear whenever you like well thats absured
I was thinking of promoting you to vice president
but its evident, you aren't equipped to represent
this company so I’ve got a better one for you since you seem so tired
and come to work late never when its required
I must set an example with you mr.diggins your fired"
awe struck jim almost fell from his chair
thinking "what was he talking about" and "that he was always there"
he hadn't been late since he was first hired
now all of a sudden hes not here on time and hes fired
the anger and anguish he wish he had a firearmwanting to cause a man he looked up to so much harm
gritting his teeth as he once again became alarmed
but the guards dragging him away by his arms
throwing him out on his stomach; he wanted to go on a drinking binge
get enough alcohol it would make his liver cringe
got into his luxury car and sped away
sobbing about his job saying "boy what a day"

Pulled out at the local liquor store emptied his pockets
and told the bartender" when I get done with this wine I don't want to care whats in my wallet"
after he drunk half his stash he pulled up at his bank
got his reserve money and gave the teller a thanks
dove to the nearest gun store he could find
bought a browning 9 and went to the firing range wasting time
a voice in his head told he should get even
with his boss Nicolas Stevens
and make his evil wife weep
then, he walked out with a false since of confidence and hope
bought some rope and parked outside his old workplace when it was close
to closing time and when it was and Stevens came out
he knocked him on his head with the gun it wasn't much of a bout
boned and gagged he hoisted his former boss into the trunk
with blurred vision he decided he would put an end to all these punks
and towards his wives mothers house he sped away
saying "oh this is going to be a great fucking day"

Pulling up at his mother-in-laws house he prepared for the final show down
kicked the door in screaming "wheres the whore now"
he shot his own son five times twice in the chest
his stomach and legs received the rest
his wife walked in and when she saw what happened burst into tears
sobbing " jim my dear whats wrong with you your throwing away your career
everything we worked for my god you've killed you own son"
What he screamed me? no you’re the one
what you did to my toothbrush I just noticed you scratched my car
you got me fired and wonder why I act so bizzare
just then he aimed the gun at his wife and I stepped in
dressed in all black shor jim in his back and the bullet ricochied from within
into his heart it whent from the bottom into the center
his bones splintered
his wife began to let out a scream gave her one to the head
instantly she was dead her mother walked in and before a word was said
I ran to her and grabbed pulled my dagger out and stabbed her ripped of her cloths
just in blind rage I supposed I bang to violate her withering body
not a thing could stop me until I was done
I packed all the bodies inside jims trunk and I began to make my run
driving the car off if a cliff and to my death I wouldn’t want jailits straight to hell for me he who staged these events and then bailed
from the consequence all because jim knocked my books over in school
and called me uncool its him know who is the fool
I used him as a tool to kill all the people I find myself a mastermind
and noone knows it this story is lost in time
of how I ultamitly got back at a bully
now my lungs are filled fully
the pressure makes them bust
my a sudden thrust I’m gone I leave my bones to rot and rust

[Extinctor Draconis]

My Destruction

Im alive but its like its my
time to die cause why
even a leaves rumble
seems to crumble my side
my eyes tear to cry,
but i fear i'll burn the kids
that live for the sky
and came back to me to give
they hike to see life through
my sight but they don't see
plight their giving to
me as they stab repeatedly
with massive power drills
that make giant structures
and they pour poison filled
liquid that makes me rupture
and spew a vile stew
on innocent lovers
no clue on what they do
so i prepare my mind's bed
cause their gonna kill me one day
and the Earth will finally DIE
http://www.thedigitalartshop.com/sci...dPlanet_eg.jpg
THE EARTH IS DEAD!

[P. Mortuus]

okkkkkay..this battle firstly looked like a landslide towards truth but after reading both pieces fully i wasn't so sure..see truth your spelling mistakes were bad man, very bad- next time sort em out first. Your story was aight i didn't like the ending this could have easily been "My destruction" and you should have carried on telling Jim's story as it got a little muddy when another guy cam out of the blue.
Artist, i understand you had education priorities and therefore didn't drop as good as you could have..nonetheless having a piece as a big metaphor was good but using the earth as that metaphor or personification i could say was rather played..it's been done many times before and that's why the impact didn't hit as much. Plus your language was very basic, it seemed more like a quick write up or first draft i could say.

Verdict
Overall, i'd give this to Truth. The reason is basically because Artist's piece wasn't engaging enough whilst truths was but he fucked it up near the end. So yeah, goes to truth this time round.


I'd appreciate the voting to be done on BTK and my battle as well, thanks.

[fastforwords]

i can't believe i read truth's entire verse. and to be honest, i dug the story, it was well planned - nicely worked out, only problem was your writing style. i think i counted twice where your flow didn't seem to be forced - you used simple multi's and had WAY too many gramatical/spelling mistakes. i'm usually not too uppity about shit like that but dude you even missed spacings between words. not to mention your lines were stretched as shit, just because you use the center code does not make it easier for us to read. as for artist, i feel bad because i feel if you put in half as much effort as truth did you would have stood a really good chance. you're flow was overall probably better than truth's but you still had your downs and you lacked on content. overall truth gets this win, you're improving, i'd work on techincal stuff because your story was great! VOTE TRUTH!

[Truth Iscariot]

yeah imma work on my technical type stuff try not to strecth my lines as much i knew i was doing it when i wrote it but i wasn't sure how to work the story without them being strectched

[Extinctor Draconis]

cool sorry truth i wish i could have made this a better battle but i look foward to seeing you in the future

[Truth Iscariot]

me as well your like the apllo creed to my rocky

[Johnny 6-feet]

Truth- a kill crazy take on this topic,lol. You kept me engaged the whole way through, which is difficult as fuck for a piece this length. The imagery was solid as well, it was easy to picture jim diggins having this shitty day. The rhymne was fairly basic though, and i would say you need to up your vocab a little but you still came with a good piece. Kudos man.

The Artist- A creative take on the topic man, but i would say that you should lose that half line format you're writing in, it made the piece choppy to read. The imagery was there, but fairly simplistic at times. Some stronger vocab and use of multi's would really boost your writing style. Originality is probably the most important part of a topical piece though, and you have that covered.

Vote- Truth, for a stronger story, better imagery and an overall more engaging piece.

[fastforwords]

Up over closed.

[Heychoo]

truth - seriously too long man. i read all the way through...but you should have condensed parts of it. the spelling mistakes and whatnot really made it difficult to read...it had good content though, and good imagery. vocab was i guess average, but that doesn't mean much to me anyway. the flow was kind of messed up in places, though, because of the stretched line. work on that. good piece though.

the artist - liked your take, and your content was good, but write a little bit more. i guess you were juts like me this week and short on time and motivation. if you could write a full piece i think you'd open some eyes in SS. just not enough to match up to truth.

vote - truth.

[fastforwords]

truth wins.
artist loses.

closed.