Tears Of Black Pool ft. Jonathon

[Mariah]

Jonathon
Mariah

Taking my mind into perspective,
while the lights reflect
gloomy and dark images on my face
giving my tounge a slight taste...
The wonders of below,
want me to know,
all about thunder,
that blunder's my foes.
from under my eyes
burdening far lights
car brights mirror effect,
the clearer it gets, the
better I feel, yet said
in my head again
death will win; tears
drown me in fear
and sorrow...is pain
lies cry for a spy's eyes
leaking tears of loss
into tomorrows gain.
Seeing only the tossed
thoughts of being the same.
The black puddle of feeling,
cuddles with the lost hope of healing.
I'll test my luck, cast off again,
I hooked the sky,
and it had me reeling,
as I landed it,
I watched it drop from the ceiling
the day the sky was falling,
my integrity was calling.
nouns stalling now
as I'm calling out,
when drawing blanks
withdrawing planks from
my eyes,
watch...
materials fade
and deterierate
in my mind,
showing signs of being feeble
blowing time with meeting evil,
my heart races to lines,
as I part my place in time,
drowning and sinking
with eyes open, mind open,
freely minded to what I'll find
time is as shrouded
as ever,
my mind is crowded
now and forever
I die in silence
and the pressure
around me is severed,
now it's a fact
I'm...drowning in black.

[Mariah]

uppin this for feed please...one of us will rtf if not both....

[Maven.]

God. Damn.
I haven't read a piece that interchanged thoughts and narrative so well in a long time. It's always weird to write with another person, but from the same perspective..and you guys did that VERY well, going even so far as to rhyme off of each other. The structure was its greatest strength in some ways and its greatest weakness in others-it made the words drip down the page in this endless flow, but at the same time made thoughts and images difficult to follow because of their fragmented presentation. But even the fragmented presentation added to the psyche of the speaker in the piece...
Also, the images of black water throughout were particularly potent...especially Jon's "the black puddle of healing cuddles with the lost hope of healing." That killed me. Mariah, I loved your closing lines because they're in tune with the ambiguity of the piece...did the character actually die? Was it a figurative drowning? Is death impending?
The unanswered questions were awesome. Seriously.
Excellent work, guys.

[Jon]

^ it was basicly based on this movie i saw once.. =/ lol

but this kid knew he didn't care if he died or not, and his pool light went out at night.. and it was still on, and he jumped in and it electricuted him.. thats like the only explination i can give

[Jon]

upping for feed please. I will try my best to get back at you on something.

[Jon]

up mang

[Jon]

upping.. thanks for the feed maven..

[Mariah]

Jon and I will rtf, cmon now everyone, thanks Maven

[Jon]

upping.

[Mariah]

well shit on all of you then....that sux...1 feed

[†Crossed†]

Fucking long ass piece, I'm disapointed on people sleeping on it though.

For one, I couldnt tell who's verse was whos, but I'm guessing Mariah's was the slanted verses. I talk about this alot in my feedback, only cuz its the key to a great peice. The placement was nice. Your come on the peace was alright. I felt this wasnt your best guys, but it was alright. Keep up the good work.

[Lo0se CaNNoN]

this was good
...rhyming and delivery was real good
...flowing was great
...im too high to say anything else
...you should be very happy

p.s. waddup mariah