The Color Green

[Fiasco]

across the tide i can see the
faint green glow; it fades at
the bat of a lash, yet remains
cascading over the waves,
if i wait for that moment.

your pregnant glass spins
delicately, aerating the
spirits within in time with
the tap of your toes.

you strategize, confiding
in your wine. sighing to
the sky, eyes submerged
in saltwater, hiding a truth
that lies in the tide. we're
capsizing and still can't find
a smile in this swan song.

it's the tears that i feared.
now your vision is clear
and this house of ours is
a house of cards again.

unfaithful, and you
curtail every sigh with spirits
and more tapping. it isn't
until i catch that glow
that i know the habit of
your glass theatrics.

it was then that i put to
rest the dream i sold you
on. left you to hold your
grudge, as i walked out
of your life with wealth
of mind, and in debt to
my conscience.

[Spoken]

http://www.rapbattles.com/forum/show...ty-329833.html
^^
hit that when ya wanna or can..up to you


anyways dud ei loved the emotion and imagery dude. your wording was definatly developed in this smoothly ya know.. i was liking this vibe man... it was on lock and top notch my dude.

across the tide i can see the
faint green glow; it fades at
the bat of a lash, yet remains
cascading over the waves,
if i wait for that moment.
^^
nice imagery and wording for your detail expression man nice way to open up your piece dude. i was defintly liking this part alot.

your pregnant glass spins
delicately, aerating the
spirits within in time with
the tap of your toes.
^^
kinda jawwed me like pregnant?!...hmm..ok i get this picture that the glow reflects of her also being pregnant?!...

then this part hit me...
it's the tears that i feared.
now your vision is clear
and this house of ours is
a house of cards again.

unfaithful, and you
curtail every sigh with spirits
and more tapping. it isn't
until i catch that glow
that i know the habit of
your glass theatrics.
then i was like OHHHH..... i knwo this fucker aint talking bout living her like that man....but this part was my favorite cus of the emotion in these two stanzas.

it was then that i put to
rest the dream i sold you
on. left you to hold your
grudge, as i walked out
of your life with wealth
of mind, and in debt to
my conscience.
^^
this part made me mad cus he left...i mean the topic was nice and original and the approach was pretty much done before bu tyour emotion in this and wording was the one that carried this over with a nice read..but this part made me mad cus he left her like that man...see nice shit man you had me into your piece man..

this wasa nice drop fiasco nicely done you are really improving man. well done!

hit this please
http://www.rapbattles.com/forum/show...ll-331701.html

[Prince Escobar]

I liked this man, your still showing improvement which is good because i feel like you have a lot of potential. It seems like every piece you drop you polish up more, but as for this piece let me break it down:

across the tide i can see the
faint green glow; it fades at
the bat of a lash, yet remains
cascading over the waves,
if i wait for that moment.

Upon the first read i thought this was a bit of an awkward opening but once i saw the theme i thought this was really strong. It immediately grabs you and is a spot of foreshadowing. I took the green to represent envy but i may be overeaching, let me know.

your pregnant glass spins
delicately, aerating the
spirits within in time with
the tap of your toes.

Idk if Write is right on this, i interpreted this piece as 'pregnant' being a choice of words to illustrate a round drinking glass. The 'spirits' being wine which is mentioned later and the tap of the toes showing frustration or dishevelment. Strong imagery in a concise manner, nicely done man.

you strategize, confiding
in your wine. sighing to
the sky, eyes submerged
in saltwater, hiding a truth
that lies in the tide. we're
capsizing and still can't find
a smile in this swan song.

I see the continuation of the previous stanza and i like the illustration this part has. Also the i took the tide to show a tie in to the beginning of the poem. Or perhaps the eyes are saturated in tears and you're saying the truth lies in her eyes. Either way i got the eye reference lol and i thought it was dope, well done man. Lastly the pace in this part is cool and the spot of rhyming is cool, with a fitting end.

it's the tears that i feared.
now your vision is clear
and this house of ours is
a house of cards again.

Simple, yet effective however i didn't like how it was extended from the rest of the poem. At the same time the imagery is good, like i said simple, yet effective.

unfaithful, and you
curtail every sigh with spirits
and more tapping. it isn't
until i catch that glow
that i know the habit of
your glass theatrics.

This to me was the most confusing part, i was unsure as to if the unfaithful represents the woman cheating. However what i decided upon was that the man was unfaithful. It's a really different tone and approach then i think Write saw, what i saw in this stanza is that the green in her eyes is envy like i said. If that's so then he perhaps just told her he cheated and now she's drinking as a habit and the glow in her eyes is the man seeing her jealousy. Nice imagery man and very inventive take on a simple theme.

-3 'Thou.

[Prince Escobar]

Elevation is key, nice work man.

[Fiasco]

Thanks a million for the responses guys, i hope to get a few more responses.