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Thread: Civil Warrior

  1. #1
    you never ready Fiasco's Avatar
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    Civil Warrior

    if this were my last time
    awaking from slumber
    to the cumbersome hum
    of the bus, i'd be at peace.

    each day i walk between these
    seats that sit like gnarled
    teeth, collecting men
    like plaque in it's cavities.

    and it's then that i fight;
    i fight, in silence, every
    grain of reason that's
    been bottled inside my heart
    like sand in time.

    like auburn yarn, her hair is
    tied behind her; taking care
    to decieve the eyes between
    it's time drying within the confines
    of this homeless smile.

    her burden, birthed in these streets, is
    dispersed somewhere between the first
    stop and the past, for at last she looks
    to her side and provides an epiphany.

    she unwinds her yarn, letting it fall;
    finding solace in sliding the band
    over the bared arm of her scared
    daughter. their shared smile stands
    as fares exchange hands at every
    pause for the cause.

    i watch as they're brushed away
    at the door, fog of war billowing
    before them, and i begin to wonder.

    i wonder when again i'll find
    unincumbered slumber, and i dream
    that i may find peace among these
    seats, as men rot like teeth
    in this metallic smile.
    Po'Ethics.

  2. #2
    Conquering Lion Prince Escobar's Avatar
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    Re: Civil Warrior

    This was great man, your tone is very strong and it brings your characters to life in a colorful way. I liked the illustration of the woman's hair, for example, as yarn. Also the way you were able to string the theme of a smile throughout the piece and describing the bus as
    "seats that sit like gnarled
    teeth, collecting men
    like plaque in it's cavities."

    That was brilliant man, i loved it. Keep writing eh, and get better man, 1luv.
    Laying face down in the mainstream.
    Po.Ethics.

  3. #3

    Re: Civil Warrior

    homie tight talent dawg
    Last edited by slack; May 28th, 2007 at 02:36 AM

  4. #4
    Compositional Standard Spoken's Avatar
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    Re: Civil Warrior

    http://www.rapbattles.com/forum/show...wn-334422.html


    nice shit her man reallya nice display of wording and diction in here man it wasnt in anyways slacked man it was a great verse man and i liked how you switched words around and made it more creative a straight raw approach yet hada poetic vibe to it aswell man....nice shit homie!

    this was a nice read!
    ARTIFICIAL | PO'ETHICS | INTELLIGENCE

  5. #5
    Whatever, Fuck You HighEngineChief's Avatar
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    Re: Civil Warrior

    No wonder this got HoF it was dope as fuck. I loved your language in this you had the perfect tone and you carried you poetic voice very well. I loved your imagery and seeing how creative you could get with your metaphores and similies, the collecting men like plaque in it's cavities line turned me off a little, not the writing, just imaging being plaque in someones cavities, more of a personal thing just thought id'e mention it. Overall great piece man and I hope to see alot of your work in the future

  6. #6
    you never ready Fiasco's Avatar
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    Re: Civil Warrior

    Hoping for a bit more feedback
    Po'Ethics.

  7. #7
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    Re: Civil Warrior

    Enjoyable in every aspects here great job man.Your creativity in this ever lacked throughout the entire piece witch made things better and effective.Emotional wise it was all here I didn't see one flaw in this area you knew what you were doing and that's a proven fact.The theme and way you went upon handling this piece was just a sensation great job..

    I also like some of the vocab you used throughout this to express things better.


    her burden, birthed in these streets, is
    dispersed somewhere between the first
    stop and the past, for at last she looks
    to her side and provides an epiphany.

    One part of the piece I liked.

    Wordz.

  8. #8
    you never ready Fiasco's Avatar
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    Re: Civil Warrior

    ...
    Last edited by Fiasco; June 18th, 2007 at 11:26 AM
    Po'Ethics.

  9. #9
    you never ready Fiasco's Avatar
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    Re: Civil Warrior

    Thanks a lot Wordz, more responses?
    Po'Ethics.

  10. #10
    Laughing at you Know-It-All's Avatar
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    Re: Civil Warrior

    Great.. this piece is one of the best poetry pices ive read so far on this site. it really had nice imagery and vocab. the tone was beautiful and the emotion really blew me away good job

  11. #11
    you never ready Fiasco's Avatar
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    Re: Civil Warrior

    Thanks a lot for the comment man, i appreciate the love.
    Po'Ethics.

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