What if Dortothy Took the Red Brick Road? (pt 1)

[Calisto]

What if Dorothy took the red brick road?
If she didn’t have lacking friends to bare the load?
If that house from Kansas fell on a good witch…
Would her journey to Oz, make a big switch?

Wondering with black souls upon the red.
Cursing the thoughts flooding her head.
As a fork in the bricks suddenly emerges.
She hears the arguments, as each surges.
Carefully contemplating her choices
Whispers in the fields; she hears voices
Then a deafening silence upon her
Three men, not lollipop, there they were.
Each asking for a piece of this poor girl,
But settling to guide her in this world

What if Dorothy took the red brick road?
If she didn’t have lacking friends to bare the load?
If that house from Kansas fell on a good witch…
Would her journey to Oz, make a big switch?

One man was mystical, smart, but also sensitive
Another, strong, very masculine and defensive.
The third, was holding back, what she didn’t know
But all she could think was not to let fear show…
She was startled when the first man began to speak
But something in his voice seemed to make her weak.
Although her mind said, “Be strong, do not cower!”
Every harsh thought, soon melted with his flower
As they walked upon the path to Oz, Dorothy fell
But is he there to destroy her, only time will tell…


I posted this right before RB went down, so I don't know if y'all read this but I never saw the feed back...

[Varentao]

Yeah i vaguely remember commenting on thjis piece...

..and it's still a fascinating, intriguing and original piece....

...using vivid imagery, strong (not too complex) vocab...and an approach to a subject in a very original and different way...using a 'story' as a 'reflection', or perspective even....

...the 'what if' concept being used well....


...respecto....

[Civilized Rebel]

Wizard of Oz is a well known carictuare of modern society. It's a staple of sorts to the movie industry and a classic in its own right. By that, making a poem involving it would be bound to be recognized. After all, who hasn't watched the movie?

Personally I really do wanna read the rest. I mean, the personification of the three men Dorathy meets is the kinda thing to hook someones attention because I want to seem them more developed. I know all about Dorothy, but these three aint the same as Scarecrow, Tin Man, or the Lion.

Well, I'll be waiting for the next piece since this one was so good.

Mo-mentai.

[X Ecution]

this was a great piece i enoyed it very much so...had me reading with great curiousity a very powerful yet thoughtful piece very good big upps holla bak 1

[Calisto]

Thanks, I wanted to come back on a good suspencful peice, looks like I did. I'll put up the second part in a lil less than a week, I gotta put the finishing touches on it y'na?! lol thanks, peace

[unkorruptable]

yea this was definetly tyte...i like the way it made me think...especially the tense feelings around Dorothy meeting the 3 men...

[Calisto]

Thanks, I'mma put up part 2 tommorow...

[thunder]

fo sho this was interesting to say the least

good concept thats been done well

pt 2..........

[Calisto]

Thanx... be lookin fa part 2