Just Drown Me

[Moniker]

A half-hearted collapse sent the
down-draft into an intermission
that had me reeling.
For a fish who doesn't like water,
fire has a habit of enticing those
fleeting eyes turned full black
into coal burning out the insides.
White rabbits race across curling
smoke lines, tracing up
towards our batting lashes.

There's really no point in having
a fire while the sun is still lit,
and the moon can't be concerned
with the gestures it gives;
providing shadows with a polite place
to hide from the formalities of life.

We are closer to ghosts then
we wish to admit, believing that if
there's hope to transcend
this fragile shift in existence,
well, all the clocks would sound
as the crash spelled out "The End"
in long, elegant lettering between
the familiar bells and whistles.
Complication in a single word: simple.

But these feather-tips are prepared
for my final flight to heaven,
dipped in a gentle suicide script.
Tasteless ink splits the sky,
a divide I've wanted to confide in
and claim bad weather as my alibi.

'Cause i've already got that
sinking feeling; alone death's
left thinking it's only relative.
Hands holding a heavy head
positioned below the ceiling,
and I'm stealing gravity,
or a less efficient sedative.
For the time being...


Just Drown Me.

[Spoken]

http://www.rapbattles.com/forum/show...ou-337382.html

hit that

sorry im a bit drunk so dont mind me and my sense of understanding but yea... this poetry piece was magnificent and nice.. man real down to earth and reallya go getter... much love on that part and originality.

A half-hearted collapse sent the
down-draft into an intermission
that had me reeling.
For a fish who doesn't like water,
fire has a habit of enticing those
fleeting eyes turned full black
into coal burning out the insides.
White rabbits race across curling
smoke lines, tracing up
towards our batting lashes.

nice opener and i loved the way te metaphors came about yea know....muc love on that part man..reallya nice part man and i loved how the story was unfolded man really a n ice mod setter aswell much props on that

We are closer to ghosts then
we wish to admit, believing that if
there's hope to transcend
this fragile shift in existence,
well, all the clocks would sound
as the crash spelled out "The End"
in long, elegant lettering between
the familiar bells and whistles.
Complication in a single word: simple.

But these feather-tips are prepared
for my final flight to heaven,
dipped in a gentle suicide script.
Tasteless ink splits the sky,
a divide I've wanted to confide in
and claim bad weather as my alibi.

nice abtrastractive poem here part...man really got me going and was a nice climax expedition here man... really a nice part here....

props.


nice job on this simple words yet meant a whole lot an dmeaned a bundle ya know props on how you came about with things and how it unfiolded and how it showsed yoru detaila nd your own words man. nice shit mind and i really enjoyed your read..wording was maginifent...really!.

[Moniker]

Thanks Write, even if you were sloshed lol.

Uping over these one sentence replies.

[Kaotic Theory]

a very emotional read in my view of the poem, the imagery was vivid and very expressive in words that drawn many pitures inside my head which you've always had the talent to do in all your pieces. vocabulary was nice mindless im surprised and upset at my self that i havn't read your pieces lately and apologize because iv missed the beauty to your poems in which u deliver, nice metaphores aswell, the structure was perfect also, really no flaws man, however mayble with your next piece make a part 2 to this or sequel whatever if possible see what carries on afterwords of the events in this piece as to more/others emotions in this and so on meh i dunno iguess im just a fan bruh....haha lets collab soon

[Moniker]

Thanks man.

[Jon]

fuck.. i dont feel like breaking it down. but i do have to say that this is a great piece, packed with emotion, and it was just like... "whoa". Definantly nominated... we need to collab.. seriously.

[Laureate]

please peep this http://www.rapbattles.com/forum/show...ge-336320.html

A half-hearted collapse sent the
down-draft into an intermission
that had me reeling.
For a fish who doesn't like water,
fire has a habit of enticing those
fleeting eyes turned full black
into coal burning out the insides.
White rabbits race across curling
smoke lines, tracing up
towards our batting lashes.

Like your rhyming a lot here Mindless, like the relationships your describe in creative ways, like comparing fish to fire because they’re eyes are black like coals

There's really no point in having
a fire while the sun is still lit,
and the moon can't be concerned
with the gestures it gives;
providing shadows with a polite place
to hide from the formalities of life.

like this part also, especially the last 3 lines

We are closer to ghosts then
we wish to admit, believing that if
there's hope to transcend
this fragile shift in existence,
well, all the clocks would sound
as the crash spelled out "The End"
in long, elegant lettering between
the familiar bells and whistles.
Complication in a single word: simple.

ok, abstractness to the max here, not quite sure if I get this, but I like the metaphorical descriptiveness given

But these feather-tips are prepared
for my final flight to heaven,
dipped in a gentle suicide script.
Tasteless ink splits the sky,
a divide I've wanted to confide in
and claim bad weather as my alibi.

like this here a lot, good imagery and metaphors for something that seems so deep, and you made it dark and stormy feelin

'Cause i've already got that
sinking feeling; alone death's
left thinking it's only relative.
Hands holding a heavy head
positioned below the ceiling,
and I'm stealing gravity,
or a less efficient sedative.
For the time being...

Just Drown Me.

Good way to end it, the sinking feeling and the thought of everything over your head goes well as you transition into the title of ‘Just Drown’ me. A solid poem overall, rhyming was consistent but I felt it was stronger in the beginning, abstractness seemed to go every other stanza kind of, I liked the ending a lot, but I couldn’t find myself getting into the poem as a whole even though I liked each individual stanza on its own. Good job Mindless

[Prince Escobar]

I really enjoyed this piece man, you wrote it in a way that made it gripping and your choice of words made the descriptions very clear which i thought were a few strong points. One thing i noticed that particularly stood out to me is the way your piece came to it's climax, it feels as if you didn't waste a single line and i feel that made the poem more impactful. Well done indeed, hope to catch up with you soon man.

1luv.