I.J.L. vs. A.I.: Mariah. vs. Nique.

[SmokaJoka]

20 lines minimum
60 lines maximum
No recycling or biting
Verses are due Friday June 15th, Midnight Pacific
Any breaking of the rules is auto DQ


Topics:
Outside of the box thinking
There is nothing else
Accept it or leave
Watch ya words
Im so scared
Did you do this ?
Wow that is nice
Pink doesnt mix with blue


Good luck to you both


...

[Mariah]

I have absolutely no idea how long my piece will be or what topic I want, but good luck to you Nique

[Nique.]

Lol, I didn't even know that I signed up for this nor can I quite remember, but good luck to you Mariah.

[Nique.]

There is nothing else

I often show no passion.. in fact, I hold some baggage
Full of holes and patches because my clothes are ragged
Can't control what's happening - I stay shuffling days
Recovering ways to overcome when I struggle to pay..
..my finances - at nights I silently wept
My tax evasions undermines me being highly in debt
I quietly slept -
Thinking I'm an unreasonable being
While she creeps under my covers.. my only reason to breathe
My only reason to seize - every moment that's left
A constant reminder that I'm never here alone by myself
I would condone my own death - a hefty punishment too
If I ever broke her heart.. a broken promise or two
I want to honor her youth, so I'm fighting to pave..
A pathway of happiness - the sacrifices I've made
From the site where I slaved.. the sun comes up with its sorrows
Where field trips and school supplies equals no lunch for tomorrow
It's not something to swallow, but the life that I lead..
Means less whining and more of.. 'I'll fight for my seed'
Less pride on my sleeves - I work and give it my best
So with the tears in my eyes and the dirt on my chest
I'll work for the check - and it's minimum wage
The long hours fills me up with this venomous rage
Insignificant days where I had no energy left
Her smile provides the nutrients - healing my injuries, health
Our chemistry's wealth. With no ranked amount
Our bond is more profitable than any back account
We hang around.. our hearts exposed and uncovered in public
I'm there for her ups and downs for a mother that wasn't
Our love was disrupted, but if we fall we must
Build a shelter for our hearts - a brick wall of trust
And through all this stuff.. it's been so cohesive lately
But there is nothing else -
Just me and my leading lady

-Nique

[Mariah]

There Is Nothing Else...But A Baby

[Father, where are you?]

There's such a debate when hate never seems to escape
I'll bleed in a lake of sorrow; erase my memories of today
I reach for a break, on bended knee I plea and I quake
While a child I stayed; I wasn't big enough to turn it away
Weaknesses replaced with one of my father's mistakes
So I was beaten and brusied -- and then brutally raped

My hopes are escaping
as my eager hearts foldin',
This body was a painting
and I see the art's stolen

[Mother, where are you?]

I feel as if I don't know you, please let me hold you
We've never met; my heart is an empty cold room
An old tomb without such tender hearts to go to
But I pull through and learn to take my own cues
Without you there to help me make bold moves
Yet, you left me for I wasn't good enough for you

As damaged I stood
praying for your hand,
I'm packaged up goods
you've thrown in the trash

[Honey, where are you?]

I've searched for a heart to cling to, but you're not here
What's clear is these hot tears welling up with my fear
Of you leaving me, dear, I have loved you -- sincere
It's been so long alone, I don't miss you not being here
Steering clear of hatred, for you've hit me like spears
I wasn't afraid of cheating, thinking our trust was clear

I am not a bother so
stop following in my tracks,
I do not love you, NO
for I was a midnight snack

[Oh Brother, where art thou?]

Such a forbidden place, the sun shines on your little face
Rosy cheeks, round head, everytime you give more grace
I've made mistakes, but I won't find any sort of trace
Of you holding anything against me or rubbing in as hate
And if you left me ever, I can know and trust you're safe
You're the only one who cares and I love you Blake

The innocent infant
sits quiet and hugs see,
An innocent infact
cares not, but loves me

[Lay Doubt.]

hmm..ok. this was a pretty good battle, a lot closer than i expected. but i haven't seen a topical from mariah yet either. anyway, i'll drop a vote real quick.

nique - i thought your verse was pretty cool, dope rhyme scheme and vocab like usual from you. the main problem that i had with your verse though, was the approach to your topic. i mean it was a nicely written verse so don't get me wrong, it's just i, personally, wasn't too fond of your actual story. i've seen it done too many times and the whole idea of being in poverty but having a partner, and that's all you really need blah blah..it's just a little cliche to me. it's a mixture of that, and the fact that when reading your verse , i didn't feel much emotion in it. i wanna be able to relate more to what the character is feeling when i read a topical like this. but there was something about your verse that was lacking emotion to me, i just can't quite figure out exactly what it was. if i do, i'll let you know. i'm not saying everyone will feel this way, it's just my opinion. but overall it was a pretty well written verse, just not one of your best and i wasn't feeling your approach very much. either way, nice job.


mariah - same topic as nique i see. your approach to this topic was a little more original than nique's was. at first i didn't think it would be though, when you were talking about being beaten and raped by your father..cuz that's sooooo played out lol. but then you picked up the pace, i liked the metaphor about 'your body being a painting and the art's stolen'.. it wasn't too complex or anything, but it was still nice. the same goes for the other sections in itallics..i thought they really helped your verse out and complimented it nicely. while reading your piece, i was waiting to see how you'd tie everything in together and finish it up..because i knew that'd be the deciding factor in whether nique got my vote or you did. anyway, i thought it was a pretty cool ending and concept to a common problem of family issues. the character's baby brother is the only one she has to bring her any form of happiness and keep her going..it seems while everyone else has judged her and doesn't like her, the baby doens't know how to hate or judge people. anyway, it was a cool lil twist you had there and i could feel the emotion the character was feeling and experiencing..which is a really important to me in a topical battle. nice job.


overall - i'm actually pretty surprised at who i have winning this battle. it was nice match between you two, but for the reasons above i just enjoyed reading mariah's piece a little more..so i'm giving my vote to her.

v/ Mariah.

[Soule]

Well ladies, I was very impress with this battle. Thankyou for the great reads..

Nique
You had a very well thought with your words. I liked how you'd use words like "Baggage" instead of just "bags". Means you actually care about having a good use of wording other then bland shit that most topical and poetry writers use these days. And I like that, it is great to see more original writers still fuck around on RB these days. You emotion was very deep and heart impactive. And what helped carry such a deep emotion, was the good descriptions you used. Most writers these days don't give a damn about the way they describe their writtens, they jsut type what comes to mind. Taking very little time, and coming out with very bland work that carries the readers on a sleep, sneezy, boring read. But not right here, you actually made me enjoy the read. Thankyou for that. Your imagenation was creative, like a movie in my mind, it just went on a adventurem a journey that I didnt want to stop. I loved it. Thankyou, make sure to post this peice in the open mic or poetic scriptures. I'll nominate it for sure. Wonderful read.

Mariah
OH MY GOD! You really impressed me with this read, it was something I never thought you could pull off. I am sorry to underestimate you and will never do it during any future battles we may end up having. The Words, oh my go the words. Chosen very wisely, like reading a poem from shakespear. Instead of hidden you used forbidden, and alot more lines were as creative as that. The past work I've read from you bored me, sorry to say. You bored me to death with your last few peices. But right here, you entertained me. I jsut plain out loved your strong word choice. The Emotion, just like your oponent. Was strongly used and described. Read the feed I left for Nique and it is the exact same feelings for you. The Peice was alot longer then Niques, which may be why I was able to enjoy it longer. you carried incredible stanzas all the way through. And I felt it was a step up from the shit you've been writing. And just like Nique. Make sure to post this in open mic or poetic scriptures. I'll nomiate it. Loved it, and ass for that sig. fuck it, I enjoyed the read to much. Don't worry bout making me a sig babe. This read was good enough.

Vote/ Mariah, it was a really close battle. I felt that if Nique wrote as much as Mariah did, and still carry the greatness of her peice that she actually dropped. It might have been a reverse vote. But Mariah made it so I could enjou a read, for a longer period of time. Nique, hall of fame. Mariah, hall of fame. But Mariah had a longer peice to enjoy longer. So she got my vote. INCREDIBLE job ladies. Keep it up.

[Infinate Skillz.]

http://www.rapbattles.com/forum/show...te-338996.html
Hit this.


Wow, dope battle here, in my opinion the 2 dopest female writers on this site...Congrats on this..

Mariah-Wow, i never knew you had such a tremendous skill for writing..I never payed attention to your om's, because i'm usally bored of reading anything not worthy...But today, you've proved me wrong with this piece..I loved the imagery, and the way you set this up..I'm very surprised at your talent, at such a young age, and how you've matured so much..Even though you've just begun, i render you one of the best writers i know so far on Rb.. Congrats..

Nique.-You had some nice wording, and some ok imagery, basically i've seen you do much better then this..I thought you would've blown Mariah away, since your pretty much on that Legend.Status. But i think you kinda rushed through this, since you didn't know you we're even battiling..But it wasn't bad, it was pretty good actually, but i think some parts of your verse, seemed a little rushed, but i still liked this, but i've seen better from you..But congrats..


So basically a close battle, but Mariah blew me away here..
V/Mariah.

[Nique.]

oh wow. if you don't understand the piece please do not vote. it had nothing to do with a partner. it was a father and daughter story. wtf did lay doubt read. i'd like more veteran writers to vote.

[Soule]

oh wow. if you don't understand the piece please do not vote. it had nothing to do with a partner. it was a father and daught story.

I said nothing about that there for I am guessing that is toward Bezerk. Want to collab?

[Mariah]

oh wow. if you don't understand the piece please do not vote. it had nothing to do with a partner. it was a father and daughter story. wtf did lay doubt read. i'd like more veteran writers to vote.

I would too, but it's that it doesn't happen because topical battles is dead.

[Leonidas]

Nique- I liked your verse in the aspects of your structure, vocab., flow, etc...It all came together nicely. I just didnt really feel too much emotion from your piece and I wasnt really feeling the way the story was and stuff. I've seen you write better pieces than this, so I dont know whats wrong. I just felt you could've came at a stronger angle with your story given the topic you choose than what you came in your actuall story with. If that makes sense to you,lol. Overall though, it was a straight piece...nothing "wow" or anything...Just straight.


Mariah- I see you chose the same piece, and I liked your partake on the topic a little bit better (no hate to Nique). I liked your story, and it flowed and came together nicely. Your vocab was also on point. Although I still cant understand how a 14 yr old girl can write as good as you do. I liked how within your piece you broke it down into different small sections and had a couple little story type pieces, but tied it all together to one big one. It was also a very easy piece to read as it was good and left me wanting to read a little bit more. Good piece here.

My overall vote has to go to Mariah, for explanations above.

*Nique, leave some feed on my O.M. "When You Wish Upon A Star" if you could...Thank you Mariah for already doing it*

To both of you though, good battle.

[P. Mortuus]

Okay.......so i just cam across this battle and though why not vote on it...lets see

Nique: If i compare this piece to the top pantheon of writers, whcih inlcude you, it will fall short. However, comparing a piece that wasn't, in my opinion, written to grace SS champ matches etc would be stupid. Therefore, i'll judge the piece on it's own merit. 'Twas a clean and easy rhyming piece, a straight concept that let the reader get into the piece and really feel the soliliquay of the guy. The whole thing oozed care and compassion. Good piece overall.

Mariah: Pretty nice M, this piece is quite better than many of your older pieces however, i think the fact that it's better than YOUR previous pieces has surprised voters and taken them back. Anyhow, i presonally feel that it could have been better. The concept wasn't new as wasn't Niques but i like the way you went with it. I would have voted for you had you not had grammatical errors.

It coes down to whihc person had the TECHNICALLY better verse. Nique would take it there though she did, in my opinion underestimate Mariah.


Can one of you close this with honesty, thanks:
http://www.rapbattles.com/forum/show...on-338644.html

[Meks.]

first off.... really really good read from the both of you...

nique - really was feelin the flow on this joint... also like the imagrey and the way u expressed the topic... plus the rhyme scheme helped the flow alot i thought, vocab is meh IMO, not that urs wasnt dope i just dont think it plays that big a role when it comes down to if the peice was dope or not, it's like, wow, u used some big words lets give u an award... lol thats how some ppl feel, but overall i liked the way u came at this and i think it was a dope story....

mariah - after giving both a 2nd read i am going to have to vote for you, as far as flow she may have had you, rhyme scheme is iffy, i mean lyrically talent wise she kinda may have outclassed u, but a topical isnt nessesarily about that... i really dig the way u presented this and the way u told the story, ur verse was dope and really descriptive, overall i think u told the better story.... and presented it in a better manner..

overall this was a sick as battle..

vote - mariah... both did extremely well here, but mariah simply presesnted better, and told a better story.

[Bounce]

wow, kind of shocked here...

Nique dropped a technically superior verse here, her take held down originality. To write from a fathers perspective about the burden of raising a daughter in finacial hardship was genuine. Tough to do, as Nique is a women, and I feel she tapped into the feelings a father has better than Mariah did in her peice. The meter in niques drop was spot on, scheme was decent, she knows she has done better, but still held down this battle easily. She had way more quatables in her peice, and her transitions were much smoother. The only area I can see that Mariah even came close to nique was raw emotion, but still far from enough to take a win here.

Mariah, you have developed well since I first read your work, but this peice is so cookie cutter it just can not stand up to niques. I have read this same thing a million times, and although the emotion was raw, it was not developed or very original. Your word choice is basic and your techniques average, nothing polished. You had such a good topic to take a real original angle here, but went with the age old boo hoo, heart tugger. Not a good idea in a topical battle with someone who has demonstrated advance techniques in writing and rhyming. You did good, but there is a huge gap between your peice and niques. I could vote niques HOF, butt not yours. I think voter are ost in the emotion and do not see the lack of originalty here. IN SS this would have lost striaght up. You know I'm only being honest and offering my advice for your progression. I do think you have tons of potential, but you didn't pull this win off. The vote might go in your favor due to people associating emotion with good writing, it helps a peice, but does not anchor one down. I think people are looking at your level of skill for your age, or just not familar with the fact that this type of story has been done to death.


vote nique