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Thread: "My letter to you Part.2" -Mr.Write

  1. #1
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    "My letter to you Part.2" -Mr.Write


    "My letter to you Part 1." -Mr.Write
    -Part 1.^^

    My Letter to you Part 2.
    Ahh…
    This pain if I could
    only describe in short term.
    Could I?...could eye?... could I?
    I wonder…
    Though deep down inside,
    my feelings hide;
    I guess…in fear of your anger.

    Dear James,

    Nicholas is two months now. Out of those two months where have you been? It’s a wonder cause one minute I can contact you then another I can’t. Actually, its no surprise to me at all, see you always find excuses to never show your face around right?...
    It’s funny that I keep on believing in you yet it always turns out to be a huge mistake. That turns to make me look like a complete idiot. To actually believe, in such a bastard like you. Don’t ever show your face around Nicholas again…he is not your son.
    He is MINE.
    Sincerely with hate,
    -Cheryl Borja
    Read your letter today,
    Wow! What a surprise.
    You actually have time…
    …to write a simple note to me.
    One minute I’m there,
    the next I’m gone?
    What do you mean? BITCH!
    i kept asking to come around,
    You return the favor with excuses.
    Ranting off at my ear about;
    other chain of events that lurk…
    …wildly from the past.
    You conclude such vast
    and eager conversations
    with bullshit like this,
    “I have school”- but I find out you don’t go.
    “I have a bad headache”- but your on myspace
    “Tiredness”- but you have the energy to go to the beach.

    WOW!
    You repel against me
    like a werewolf to the moon.
    You play with innocence one day,
    and ravish my broken emotion s the next.
    Rotting my self esteem to
    the bloody core with no care;
    …from you what so ever.

    My thoughts convolute
    and begin to worry my heart;
    with swollen cries left dry.
    The bandage from my recovery…
    Seems to loosen with each day
    passing through, waving good-bye
    -so long for the good times

    I tended to your thoughts;
    I got static,
    tried to fix the aluminum ball
    that holds together your memory.
    You always said I was hurting you;
    Killing you softly…
    …with my love for you.
    I was always hurting;
    rather than fixing.
    -a complete moron?
    Yes, well NO?
    Wait… maybe… I don’t know.

    I stepped paces back;
    to the place we first met eyes.
    when the sun was reflecting;
    The beauty of love to my eyes.
    -YOU
    I picked the rose petals,
    the same of its kind;
    Like the ones that surrounded us before;
    asking you to be one with me.
    Do you remember?
    -maybe not huh?
    Everything was back in place
    as if I never left.
    The only thing missing was you.
    So the piano and guitar;
    tuned away a broken home melody,
    for the world to hear;
    …With broken dreams.
    So I picked away gently
    at the rose…
    Letting its petals fly away
    … with the breeze;
    Shrugging the gentle trees.
    -alone
    Last edited by Spoken; June 11th, 2007 at 11:22 PM
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    Re: "My letter to you Part.2" -Mr.Write

    Very very nice i thought, the use of the quote fitted perfectly with this piece. One of the key points in this was the emotion if not the main point because it was loaded with it. Your imagery was nice and easy to visualize it. Your precision was great and your overall take to the topic was dope. I liked the use of the -'s and then coming in with direct speach it kept bringing us back to the main topic which was good, you have a direct description on what is going on which is a good device to use for the reader and the detail in this was very good. Overall i have to say i liked this better than your part 1 but still both were very nice.

    -Thomas.
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    Re: "My letter to you Part.2" -Mr.Write

    thanks man.
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    "My letter to you Part.2" -Mr.Write

    Emotion wise this piece you kept me into the poem the entire time and made me not just enjoy the poem but understand the feeling of this piece great job..Imagery you visual of what you were writing similar to when you read a book keep that up it makes your work very enjoyable.I didnt read part one but with the way went upon presenting this gave be a better view of what you wrote.. "I liked the use of the -'s and then coming in with direct speech it kept bringing us back to the main topic which was good"-----Thomas,when he said this pretty much said it to well for me to explain it.Description was more then Direct to me with was very detailed which made me think,understand,and have somewhat of a good visual,just like reading a good book it broke down the topic,great job Description wise. I have to say after reading this one I would like to go back and read part to just send me a link and without hesitation I will leave some feed and tell you if it was as good as Part 2......The Overall view of this poem was great could of been a little better but with a label like great you know it would have to be perfect to be better good job and keep up the sensational work man.........Keep coming with the goods and Stay up,also please leave feed on my peace thank you....


    I had to edit this in great uses of the quote it matched the concept of a well written poem.

    Wordz.

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    Re: "My letter to you Part.2" -Mr.Write

    the link to part one is on the top of myt post of the poem.......kind sir thakns for the feed..please bump some more people...
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    Re: "My letter to you Part.2" -Mr.Write

    bump man.
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    Re: "My letter to you Part.2" -Mr.Write

    Quote Originally Posted by Mr.Write View Post
    the link to part one is on the top of myt post of the poem.......kind sir thakns for the feed..please bump some more people...

    Wordz - Once apon a blue moon

    wheres my feed kind sir after I will leave feed on part one

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    Re: "My letter to you Part.2" -Mr.Write

    yes sir sorry i was lost for a hot minute
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    Re: "My letter to you Part.2" -Mr.Write

    bumpin.
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    Re: "My letter to you Part.2" -Mr.Write

    Quote Originally Posted by Mr. Write
    Ahh…
    This pain if I could
    only describe in short term.
    Could I?...could eye?... could I?
    I wonder…
    Though deep down inside,
    my feelings hide;
    I guess…in fear of your anger.
    ok opening, could be stronger, didn’t understand the necessity of the wordplay with I/eye
    Quote Originally Posted by Mr. Write
    Dear James,

    Nicholas is two months now. Out of those two months where have you been? It’s a wonder cause one minute I can contact you then another I can’t. Actually, its no surprise to me at all, see you always find excuses to never show your face around right?...
    It’s funny that I keep on believing in you yet it always turns out to be a huge mistake. That turns to make me look like a complete idiot. To actually believe, in such a bastard like you. Don’t ever show your face around Nicholas again…he is not your son.
    He is MINE.
    Sincerely with hate,
    -Cheryl Borja
    Here’s your bomb opening and a good set up

    Quote Originally Posted by Mr. Write
    Read your letter today,
    Wow! What a surprise.
    You actually have time…
    …to write a simple note to me.
    One minute I’m there,
    the next I’m gone?
    What do you mean? BITCH!
    i kept asking to come around,
    You return the favor with excuses.
    Ranting off at my ear about;
    other chain of events that lurk…
    …wildly from the past.
    You conclude such vast
    and eager conversations
    with bullshit like this,
    “I have school”- but I find out you don’t go.
    “I have a bad headache”- but your on myspace
    “Tiredness”- but you have the energy to go to the beach.
    This is good man and easily relatable, nice response to the letter

    Quote Originally Posted by Mr. Write
    WOW!
    You repel against me
    like a werewolf to the moon.
    You play with innocence one day,
    and ravish my broken emotion s the next.
    Rotting my self esteem to
    the bloody core with no care;
    …from you what so ever.
    I kinda laughed at the “WOW” but I felt it was an appropriate response.

    Quote Originally Posted by Mr. Write
    My thoughts convolute
    and begin to worry my heart;
    with swollen cries left dry.
    The bandage from my recovery…
    Seems to loosen with each day
    passing through, waving good-bye
    -so long for the good times
    liked this part especially the last 2 lines, felt you chose your words well

    Quote Originally Posted by Mr. Write
    I tended to your thoughts;
    I got static,
    tried to fix the aluminum ball
    that holds together your memory.
    You always said I was hurting you;
    Killing you softly…
    …with my love for you.
    I was always hurting;
    rather than fixing.
    -a complete moron?
    Yes, well NO?
    Wait… maybe… I don’t know.
    ok here

    Quote Originally Posted by Mr. Write
    I stepped paces back;
    to the place we first met eyes.
    when the sun was reflecting;
    The beauty of love to my eyes.
    -YOU
    I picked the rose petals,
    the same of its kind;
    Like the ones that surrounded us before;
    asking you to be one with me.
    Do you remember?
    -maybe not huh?
    Everything was back in place
    as if I never left.
    The only thing missing was you.
    So the piano and guitar;
    tuned away a broken home melody,
    for the world to hear;
    …With broken dreams.
    So I picked away gently
    at the rose…
    Letting its petals fly away
    … with the breeze;
    Shrugging the gentle trees.
    -alone
    My favorite part right here, the imager I got from the beginning was wonderful, and the ending was very nice a symbolic





    On a personal level this was heartfelt, deep, and real. I felt your pain and the small feeling of hope from the memories, but at the same time it felt as though you were conceding and the point of this letter was like your white flag.

    On a technical level this was still good. I felt your emotion, the imagery was well done whn you wanted it to be, and your wordchoice was good, you also had a few metaphors I enjoyed.

    Very nice drop

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  11. #11
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    Re: "My letter to you Part.2" -Mr.Write

    thanks man will RTF.
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  12. #12
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    Re: "My letter to you Part.2" -Mr.Write

    I actually really liked this peice, the topic is nice, and the way you go about telling the story is also nice, never once strayed from topic..The conversational talk throughout the peice really made it realistic and enjoyable, deep meaning and emotion showed, word choice was great as well.
    I normally get bored with longer peices but this really kept my attention and was entertaining...nice

  13. #13
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    Re: "My letter to you Part.2" -Mr.Write

    thanks.
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  14. #14

    Re: "My letter to you Part.2" -Mr.Write

    This was a good drop. I enjoyed it more than the first part. The imagary here was nice, and i felt like u acutaly put time into writing this and chose your words carefuly.

    I tended to your thoughts;
    I got static,
    tried to fix the aluminum ball
    that holds together your memory.
    You always said I was hurting you;
    Killing you softly…
    …with my love for you.
    I was always hurting;
    rather than fixing.
    -a complete moron?
    Yes, well NO?
    Wait… maybe… I don’t know.
    this was good stuff right here all the way to your end. It really explains what is felt, and the questions someone would think about in this situation.

    Nice job here, i'l be looking out for the third



    I guess it's just that time...............

  15. #15
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    Re: "My letter to you Part.2" -Mr.Write

    defiantley man.
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