"till death do us part"- kill me quickly

[Poeta Demonio]

You've shot me once before, with a glance
and stabbed me with swift pokes to the chest
running around with a speedy grin on your
beaded tears; sliding DVD's between my lips
for memories sake, yet the memories may as well
have been scratched, the under belly of addiction
swallowed you whole, Tasting your sorrow like
chocolate nightmares; comfort eating?
was that to fill yourself with hope?

your embrace felt like two trees brushing
shoulders in the breeze, with no connection
except a heart beat in a relationship with a pulse
what could i have said? apart from sorry

you twist my mind like a form of abstract art
slapping paint on your face as an exhibition
but can i ever 'make up' for MY wrongs?
I stitch myself back together again with stretched
seams, which seems kind of ironic to me
I talk to you in the voice of someone else
a person that cares for you like, yourself
your cotton wool upbringing had led you
to me for a sand paper love affair
rubbing the edges off your vanity

Viagra emotions bring your heart beat
up a notch, rapidly firing cupids bullets
back into my forehead, but my brain
is now damaged, you shot the wrong organ
and now, our wedding will have to be
introduced with a violin instead.

[Poeta Demonio]

upping.

[D. Josey]

Dope poem... And lol at sliding DVDs between my lips, killer line man... All in all nice one/

[Poeta Demonio]

...upping.

[Spoken]

http://www.rapbattles.com/forum/show...ls-340570.html
^^hit that

this wasa very nice display of some nice metaphors especially the DVD line...i saw it once but the way you metaphored it was a nice touch of originality man. i liked how it stringed together as a whole in sych little time to spare with so much going on if you know what i mean. lol. i liked this poem ryan some deep and nice shit going on...the way you put forth your style to assisst your writing nac has been displayed many times but with each drop it just keeps getting better and better man and mor einteresting to the eye and mind.

You've shot me once before, with a glance
and stabbed me with swift pokes to the chest
running around with a speedy grin on your
beaded tears; sliding DVD's between my lips
for memories sake, yet the memories may as well
have been scratched, the under belly of addiction
swallowed you whole, Tasting your sorrow like
chocolate nightmares; comfort eating?
was that to fill yourself with hope?

your embrace felt like two trees brushing
shoulders in the breeze, with no connection
except a heart beat in a relationship with a pulse
what could i have said? apart from sorry

my favorite part because it was just straight into action of how you felt and was hurt and the wording in this was just excellent and you made me feel as if i was in your storya nd you made me whole with your intentions man nice drop ryan keep it up we still need to collab man.

[Poeta Demonio]

Thanks man.

[Diversed]

http://www.rapbattles.com/forum/show...ad-340163.html

^ left feed on your collab too,
so can you feed these piece's > Originality Is Dead
The Wine That Fills The Cup

Man this was nice, I enjoyed reading this, it was something diffrent you don't see people use original metas now and days, like the Dvd line you excecuted that well. This piece was complexed in a simple way unlike your other piece's, where if i'm not paying attention something might go over my head. I agree with method the first and second stanza's were my favorite cause they held them most creativity and originality and i just loved the second stanza rhythemic flow, this was a nice smooth read fam, I'll love to see more from you in the future..

[Poeta Demonio]

uppidy

[Ace of Aces]

awesome write bro. i enjoyed this read to a great extent. i haven't read to much of your stuff i don't think but this will def turn me on to it. strong, raw emotion. my favorite stanza was the last. awesome wordplay in it and i just could read exactly how you felt no matter how metaphorical your piece became. there's pretty much nothing that I did not like about the piece. clever stuff my friend.

keep it up.
hit up the piece that I just made in return plz. "Its so..."

thanks.

peACE

[Prince Escobar]

This was a very enjoyable read man, i thought that what i took away most from it is how you've matured in terms of illustrating your poems with the right balance of descriptive words to bring your point home well without too many superfluous words.

You've shot me once before, with a glance
and stabbed me with swift pokes to the chest
running around with a speedy grin on your
beaded tears; sliding DVD's between my lips
for memories sake, yet the memories may as well
have been scratched, the under belly of addiction
swallowed you whole, Tasting your sorrow like
chocolate nightmares; comfort eating?
was that to fill yourself with hope?

Well worded intro to this piece, the DVD line in particular worked as an anchor in my mind that shows how well this stanza works. The inquisitive tone is one i'm not generally fond of as a reader but it sufficed here...

you twist my mind like a form of abstract art
slapping paint on your face as an exhibition
but can i ever 'make up' for MY wrongs?
I stitch myself back together again with stretched
seams, which seems kind of ironic to me
I talk to you in the voice of someone else
a person that cares for you like, yourself
your cotton wool upbringing had led you
to me for a sand paper love affair
rubbing the edges off your vanity

This stanza is another testament to some strong imagery, here i liked the question being posed and the extended illustration of abstract art was a nice touch. The tone is very strong in this stanza as well, overall pretty well done.


Very good job man, however the ending (though i enjoyed it from a visual standpoint) didn't make sense to me with the violin introducing the wedding. Ehh that aside, nice job i'll be nominating this if it isn't already up there.

[Poeta Demonio]

It was basically refering to the fact that in weddings, an organ is usually used to introduce the 'walking down the isle' but if the organ is 'shot' then a violin is used for sadness i guess, herfor that's what i meant, maybe i should have made it a little more clear though tehe, thanks alot bro.

[Poeta Demonio]

Jesus fucking christ... Do you ever re-read a piece that at the time you didn't know what you were writing about, but then when you look at itagain, it's actually unbelievably personal and was clearly a subconcious vent? That piece was clearly about my ex (we split like a month or so ago) and our relationship at that time. That's tripped me the fuck out and border line upset me lol... *stops smoking bud for the night*

[LiL'LADiE]

I really enjoyed reading this,Your poem was beast. It seems like you were thinking about something when you wrote this, its pretty fucked up though but really great, your vocab was on key. & you used your words wisely. I like how you set the poem up as well..
Keep up the work!!