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Thread: Mourning Due

  1. #1
    Conquering Lion Prince Escobar's Avatar
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    Mourning Due


    Mourning Due
    Esco 3000


    her focus is on that
    one last drop of a dream
    that slithers down her web of lashes
    and rolls into the curve of
    her lips.

    it's then that the knees do battle.
    having held their own under
    pressure all these years, only
    the tide of change could make
    her lose those sea legs.

    sunsets of late are met with
    the stale smell of her porcelein prayers,
    lashes ensnared, holding for dear life onto
    the only relationship she could ever
    count on lasting until the morning

    and as days of her porcelein
    prayers go unanswered, she opens
    her eyes and finds, that at times,
    life is but a dream.
    Last edited by Prince Escobar; June 28th, 2007 at 05:01 PM
    Laying face down in the mainstream.
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  2. #2
    Bye bye black bird Poeta Demonio's Avatar
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    Re: Mourning Due

    Okay, this was a nice subtle piece here, some very infuential lines such as the 'web of lashes' line, and just generally nice wording here, there were some points that could have been worded better such as 'eyes wide shut' as it seemed a little cliche, but that's just me being picky! yet on the same token it did fit well into the piece. These are the subtle kind of pieces that get published, any time i write for publishment i write like this rather than my style that only people of the'art' so to speak would appreciate... but this pretty much was pleasing to the eye and held a nice message of 'time passing you by' as indeed, it does!

    Feed on my new piece 'till death do us part- kill me quickly' thanks for the read.
    AI


    “ˇViva la Revolución!”

  3. #3
    Can't teach you my swag! D. Josey's Avatar
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    Re: Mourning Due

    Good piece man, really unique. And this really reinforced to me how good of a writer you are man, I loved the abstract wording in here, and this is a target piece for me to aim for when I'm writing. It was nice man, as Poeta said it was subtle and very descriptive. Nice one man.

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  4. #4
    Conquering Lion Prince Escobar's Avatar
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    Re: Mourning Due

    Thanks for the replies you two, elevation is key.
    Laying face down in the mainstream.
    Po.Ethics.

  5. #5
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    Re: Mourning Due

    Hit this plz
    http://www.rapbattles.com/forum/show...up-340726.html

    Man I like the smooth type piece's you write, there so fluid and your easy going metaphors really help capture the moment in my mind, it's almost like your writing this verbatim, like it's happening in front of you and your just using your extensive vocabulary and original and creative meta's to make what your seeing appeal to the reader. I enjoyed reading this and I read this about 3 times out of entertainment. Although I read this almost 2 days ago i can remember almost everything I read and how i felt while reading it, at any rate this was a good piece keep dropping piece's like this, it's really beautiful..... no homo lol j/p
    Last edited by Diversed; June 30th, 2007 at 03:33 AM

  6. #6
    Compositional Standard Spoken's Avatar
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    Re: Mourning Due

    http://www.rapbattles.com/forum/show...ls-340570.html

    thank you


    anyways man nice to see your subtle approach to things still live up strong with nice reads man.. great picec and nice little imagery man that just jaw drops me most of the times practically all the time cus of the way you come about it introducintg the emotion with the action if that makes sense...lmfao. i liked it mana nd i liked how the way of things was cliche' yet you ade it into your own world with your own words and choice of dictio and ways to detail such emotions. nice shit 3 thou' keep up your writing man. you always seize to entertain me man no doubt!.
    ARTIFICIAL | PO'ETHICS | INTELLIGENCE

  7. #7
    Conquering Lion Prince Escobar's Avatar
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    Re: Mourning Due

    Appreciative of the feedback, i'll be sure to get to your links.

    Elevation is key, 1luv.
    Laying face down in the mainstream.
    Po.Ethics.

  8. #8
    Conquering Lion Prince Escobar's Avatar
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    Re: Mourning Due

    Hmm, some feedback?
    Laying face down in the mainstream.
    Po.Ethics.

  9. #9
    You've Earned a Custom Title! Dyl's Avatar
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    Re: Mourning Due

    Man great job on this piece.This piece just grasped my attention completly.

    her focus is on that
    one last drop of a dream
    that slithers down her web of lashes
    and rolls into the curve of
    her lips.

    ^Now that is what I call being descriptive.ANyone learning how to rightsme dope imagery just take a look at that stanza for an example.

    It started off as a complete dream and I like the way you also kept the lines short and sweet yet had so much detail in them.Your metas were very clever and very well thought out.Really added to this piece alot.Really enjoyed this one and i'll think about nominating this one.Good stuff and keep it up.

    -Dyl
    Heard about the guy who fell off a skyscraper?
    On his way down past each floor,he kept saying to reassure himself
    So far so good.....
    So far so good.....
    So far so good.....

    But how you fall doesn't matter
    Its how you land

  10. #10
    -Camera Kisses- P. Mortuus's Avatar
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    Re: Mourning Due

    Very very fluid...and really subtle i have to say...the first verse was really really good...i don't usually repeat the words but that first verse was Excellent. I liked the play on the titel as many a conversation talks about the morning due after a rainy and foggy night but this was like mourning is due..which is good and adds to the effect. Imagery etc was all good but what got me was how clean and fluid this whole piece was. Very enjoyable......the whole piece was great but the first verse was just like DAMN. Nice piece man.
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  11. #11
    you never ready Fiasco's Avatar
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    Re: Mourning Due

    Wow Esco, this is why i love your style so much man the power of your subtlety is strong here and your choice of words is great, i really wish i could ramble on about how good it is but i have to break this piece down to really explain it, i hope you don't mind .


    her focus is on that
    one last drop of a dream
    that slithers down her web of lashes
    and rolls into the curve of
    her lips.
    This part was enjoyable because of the imagery you put into it i really liked the picture of a tear drop representing a desire and slithering down a web like a spider down her face. Good stuff.

    it's then that the knees do battle.
    having held their own under
    pressure all these years, only
    the tide of change could make
    her lose those sea legs.
    This stanza here picks up the steam and though i may be wrong i took that sea legs line to have meaning. what i took from it was that she has been 'weathering a storm' or been on unsteady ground for some time and now the endurance she had before has slipped. Nice job man.

    sunsets of late are met with
    the stale smell of her porcelein prayers,
    lashes ensnared, holding for dear life onto
    the only relationship she could ever
    count on lasting until the morning
    The stale smell i took to mean vomit in a toilet being her 'porcelein prayers' though it should be porcelain it's still a great idea and i like the image you used of her wrapping her arms around the toilet, great imagery.

    You also ended this on a nice note and makes the reader think, if that was your intent then my interpretation is likely to be different then your idea but that's what it's all about. Well done job man i really enjoyed peeping this.
    Po'Ethics.

  12. #12
    Word is Bond Sublime D's Avatar
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    Re: Mourning Due

    you're wack...



    anyway...as far as your writing's concerned...this piece was simple, to the point...obvious analogies and an open ended message...true poetic intpretation...nice
    Bittersweet

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