User Tag List

Showing results 1 to 14 of 14

Thread: The Highway of Eden

  1. #1
    red.prose
    Join Date
    Jun 2006
    Location
    Helsinki
    Posts
    180
    Battle Record
    0-1

    The Highway of Eden

    the barrel spit a seed through the marrow
    that grew into a leaf
    and bloomed on the backside
    of his head-
    his final thoughts were roses,
    and the crown of thorns
    that had circled round his door
    before they plucked the buds from his skull
    and buried him in the pricker bushes
    -because the flowers are too dirty
    to hold his contradiction
    in the bosom of this rotten soil.

    he died in the music of a soft suicide
    where the razor gently kissed his lips
    and his wrists
    stared into the sky for prayer
    -and under the headstone
    his heart broke as he slipped
    the silken silver
    through the ill form of its dinner;

    he swallowed the bumpers
    and twisted steel
    through a hollow dream sequence
    that replayed on backside of the blade,
    before it began to play-
    he still chokes on sirens
    before the headlights trickle down
    his jagged face

    -still remembering his first,
    where the sunset on his forehead
    and his fragile eyes
    shattered on glass that proved to have
    a thicker head then his.
    his first,
    where the scream ran
    from the back of his head
    to the swell of his lips
    where the angel had forgot to kiss,
    before it wrapped itself around his breath

    .. it was his first death.

    as his parents fell to their knees
    he grew well on his feet,
    in a coffin coughing on, support,
    that threw the covers back over it's lazy fucking head
    to go back to sleep
    after scribbling R.I.P. on the screens
    that learned to double for a heart
    with a bass line that could hardly
    beat.

    the airbags bloom
    in a field of glass shards,
    where twisted metal
    grows from debris on the first day of spring,
    and nature is mechanic tragedy
    where jersey barriers
    wear the blood stains like fresh fruit
    as the bush in a massacre
    that spilled it's guts on Eden's highway-

    and prayers stumbled into the bone yard
    sponsored by your local
    internet provider-
    along the cold steel
    that doubles for a monorail
    as the weekday starts.

    the fiber optic cable
    puke's hopes and dreams at his feet,
    as the news cast covers the story
    with a funeral
    live on TV.
    his headstone is engraved
    with his death date followed by "News Channel 8,"
    and a microphone sent
    to the homes of family and friends,
    to catch their final words
    of the dead.

    .. and he dies again
    -a suicide dive for the end,
    where the eyes really tear
    before the mourning has raised,
    and the shoulders for a fallen family
    aren't connected to the back of an acronym!

    so he tries to die;
    enough to where he's reached an afterlife
    where touch isn't lust,
    and love isn't digitally rebuffed
    -rolling in his grave in disgust
    to tighten the rope,
    in hopes of finding a life where the feeling is
    real.
    Abstanti.

    To view links or images in signatures your post count must be 50 or greater. You currently have 0 posts.

  2. #2
    The Witness. Witty's Avatar
    Join Date
    Mar 2006
    Location
    Northern Ireland
    Age
    33
    Posts
    17,788
    Battle Record
    11-10
    Awards OM HOF

    Re: The Highway of Eden

    This was a really nice piece dude, I enjoyed the read, which is more than can be said for most of the poetry I see these days. I don't really comment on poems anymore because people seem to follow a trend where they just throw some random big words in anywhere, and attempt some metaphors. This was different however, I really felt like you put your heart and soul in to this piece, I could really feel it, which, to me, is the most important part of poetry. There was some really top class lines in this piece man, some shit just made me sit back and think 'wow, that was ill'. Very thought provoking also, the kind of poem that will stick in your head long after you read it, which is hard to accomplish. I liked this dude, it kept me interested all the way through, and as I said, it was expertly written, keep at it man, dope shit!

    To view links or images in signatures your post count must be 50 or greater. You currently have 0 posts.


    24 x OM Hall Of Fame

  3. #3
    Poetry Propaganda
    Join Date
    Aug 2007
    Posts
    129
    Battle Record
    1-0

    Re: The Highway of Eden

    as his parents fell to their knees
    he grew well on his feet,
    in a coffin coughing on, support,
    that threw the covers back over it's lazy fucking head
    to go back to sleep
    after scribbling R.I.P. on the screens
    that learned to double for a heart
    with a bass line that could hardly
    beat.
    The emotion in that stanza was dope dude.

    Pretty good write here, I could see you played emotion
    to the boundary. Man I love the style or writing you use
    It makes the read so much more enjoyable to me, you have a unique
    way of writing. Your input of metaphors was pretty good throughout.
    I know everyone says it but the imagery was great.. displayed in these
    lines:

    the airbags bloom
    in a field of glass shards,
    where twisted metal
    grows from debris on the first day of spring,
    and nature is mechanic tragedy
    where jersey barriers
    wear the blood stains like fresh fruit
    as the bush in a massacre
    that spilled it's guts on Eden's highway-
    That stanze intriuged me.. seriously awesome dude.

    Your word choice as usual is amazing and how you place them
    is awesome. Overall really enjoyable piece for me atti.. and I'm
    returning as much feed you gave me. Seriously though I love when
    you post poems... your really on another level of writing.. and I always
    enjoy reading your poems. So GREAT write I enjoyed it...
    .

  4. #4
    Banned
    Join Date
    Apr 2006
    Posts
    1,851
    Battle Record
    3-0

    Re: The Highway of Eden

    Like I told you on aim:

    I don't even know how to leave proper feedback on this piece without reiterating the same lame generic compliments or regurgitating the obvious. Everything was just so "on point" in my eyes. I do realize this is a poem and all, but the flow was still pretty heavy or in other words both schemes and set-ups were dope. The imagery was also insanely manipulated with detailed and graphic displays of artsy wordplay and abstract expressions. I mean, this is really what you call a "POEM". It not only carried a message and created emotional impact, but it also flaunted and boasted crafty language and genius wording and positioning. Like most pieces that dance that thin line between perfection and perfecting this piece's only flaw will be based on an individuals preferences of and or taste. At this point it's not a matter of elevation, but more so picking and choosing which direction to go in next.


    Favorite Lines:
    before they plucked the buds from his skull
    and buried him in the pricker bushes
    -because the flowers are too dirty
    to hold his contradiction
    in the bosom of this rotten soil.

    he died in the music of a soft suicide
    where the razor gently kissed his lips
    and his wrists
    stared into the sky for prayer
    -and under the headstone
    his heart broke as he slipped
    the silken silver
    through the ill form of its dinner;

    he swallowed the bumpers
    and twisted steel
    through a hollow dream sequence
    that replayed on backside of the blade,
    before it began to play-
    he still chokes on sirens
    before the headlights trickle down
    his jagged face

    ^Talk about imagery, wordplay, metaphors and everything in between! That passage had it all and then some. What's most impressive is not only did it have those entertaining devices, but it also had the essential emotional element as well. Just VERY, VERY, VERY well-thought-out and written.



    Also:
    after scribbling R.I.P. on the screens
    that learned to double for a heart
    with a bass line that could hardly
    beat.

    the airbags bloom
    in a field of glass shards,
    where twisted metal
    grows from debris on the first day of spring,
    and nature is mechanic tragedy
    where jersey barriers
    wear the blood stains like fresh fruit
    as the bush in a massacre
    that spilled it's guts on Eden's highway-

    ^Once again.......huh.....read the comments above!



    Finally:
    so he tries to die;
    enough to where he's reached an afterlife
    where touch isn't lust,
    and love isn't digitally rebuffed
    ^The end was really dope, I like how it brought it right back to the beginning concept, not that you ever drifted, just saying the final stanza served as a good clarifying point for anyone that might have missed the overall concept. Not to mention it was as dope as the rest of the poem.


    All in all.......This is one of the best poems I've read in months. Keep 'em coming son!



    pZ

  5. #5
    Twin Cities 651 Laureate's Avatar
    Join Date
    Nov 2003
    Location
    Minnesota 651
    Posts
    6,472
    Battle Record
    91-11
    Awards OFOTK Champion Haiku Champion Legendary PC Legendary Member PC HOF OM HOF 75+ Wins

    Re: The Highway of Eden

    This was nice, one of those poems that was so abstract to me I know I didn't catch every metaphor or wordplay, but I still enjoyed it immensely. The sporadic rhymes were nicely done and I felt a real rhythm in this poem.

    My favorite lines:

    "as his parents fell to their knees
    he grew well on his feet,
    in a coffin coughing on, support,
    that threw the covers back over it's lazy fucking head
    to go back to sleep
    after scribbling R.I.P. on the screens
    that learned to double for a heart
    with a bass line that could hardly
    beat."

    AND

    "where touch isn't lust,
    and love isn't digitally rebuffed
    -rolling in his grave in disgust
    to tighten the rope,"

    The imagery and metaphors and wordplay and that sense of irony you write with all came out in this, This isn't very good feed because I don't really know what to say other than this was very well done




    http://www.rapbattles.com/forum/show...nd-346566.html
    A few achievements here and there

    To view links or images in signatures your post count must be 50 or greater. You currently have 0 posts.

  6. #6
    Soule
    Guest

    Re: The Highway of Eden

    Everything I have to say has been said above..

    Favorite Lines:

    -still remembering his first,
    where the sunset on his forehead
    and his fragile eyes
    shattered on glass that proved to have
    a thicker head then his.
    his first,
    where the scream ran
    from the back of his head
    to the swell of his lips
    where the angel had forgot to kiss,
    before it wrapped itself around his breath

    ALSO:

    .. and he dies again
    -a suicide dive for the end,
    where the eyes really tear
    before the mourning has raised,
    and the shoulders for a fallen family
    aren't connected to the back of an acronym!

    Great imagery and emotion. Keep writing. Hit up Capture for me.

  7. #7
    Newbie Sinfull_Bliss's Avatar
    Join Date
    Aug 2007
    Location
    planet earth
    Age
    38
    Posts
    23

    Re: The Highway of Eden

    This was something that left me breathless...
    very constant flow hard hitting vocabulariy...
    and the imagrey was very well impacted...
    some people these days just say its multi's use more multi's...
    or this and that and just jumbo mumbo BS!!!
    you dont need fancy words and multi sylabic rhyme useage...
    for it to be a kick ass poem... especially in poems!!
    people are just stupid these days and dont appreciate shit...
    very fucken good poem dude ...
    everything was their that needed to be their...
    it wasnt confusing either is what i like about it...
    i didnt go huh what is this moron thinkin lmao...
    witch i usually do with some poems this ejects write these days...
    they just way to confussing and out of topic...
    you however god damn lol mayne you proved my theory wrong!!

    very dope piece... something i will remember...
    even the title was dope highway of eden...
    sounded cool to me... so i decided lets read it...
    and thought wow this guy can write!! meta's their...
    constant yes it was... imagrey to the point!!
    WOW!!!

    9.5/10 just not quit a 10 for me yet but very close...
    it wasnt something id vote for best poem of the year...
    but it was pretty fucken well done anyhow....

    To view links or images in signatures your post count must be 50 or greater. You currently have 0 posts.

  8. #8
    Newbie Sinfull_Bliss's Avatar
    Join Date
    Aug 2007
    Location
    planet earth
    Age
    38
    Posts
    23

    Re: The Highway of Eden

    lastly check out some of my work...
    its allways gettin slept on and its actually pretty fucken dope!!
    stupid people dont appreciate tallent these days ... meh!!

    and sorry to those who i didnt leave propper feed to...
    i get lazy sometimes and if i didnt leave good enough feed...
    its probably cause of it...


    meh!! but dont complain...
    a feed is a feed even if its just DOPE...
    it still has a meaning in a way ... dumb ass people...
    Last edited by Sinfull_Bliss; August 29th, 2007 at 04:07 PM

    To view links or images in signatures your post count must be 50 or greater. You currently have 0 posts.

  9. #9
    red.prose
    Join Date
    Jun 2006
    Location
    Helsinki
    Posts
    180
    Battle Record
    0-1

    Re: The Highway of Eden

    thanks.
    Abstanti.

    To view links or images in signatures your post count must be 50 or greater. You currently have 0 posts.

  10. #10

    Re: The Highway of Eden

    I tried to Spam URLs. I am completely retarded. People like me should know better than to try and Troll these forums. I should be tared, feathered, and beaten with the moron stick. I am utterly incompetent.

  11. #11
    better than legendary Neruda II's Avatar
    Join Date
    Nov 2003
    Location
    N.O.V.A.
    Age
    35
    Posts
    14,871
    Battle Record
    8-2

    Re: The Highway of Eden

    I applaud you for writing on this level. As I read this I could imagine the deaths perfectly. The way you describe the car crash is like a scene from a movie as an orchestra plays an epic song to make the mood that much better. It's poetry man, thats all I can say, it's fucking poetry. I'm not sure if the character is trying to kill himself, but I really enjoyed how you described the deaths. The first one I believe was describing a gun to the head, the second one was the all familiar razor suicide, and the last one was a car crash. I'm not sure if I'm getting it right but thats my interpretation of it. It's a sad story but it serves out its own justice. Almost scorns the reader for feeling sad at the last few lines. So creative on variant levels. Truly something to admire. Thanks for giving this to us.
    murder murder

  12. #12
    is in the house Facts Machine's Avatar
    Join Date
    Feb 2004
    Location
    Manhattan, NY
    Posts
    6,055
    Battle Record
    34-13

    Re: The Highway of Eden

    damn, nice usage of words, it flowed perfectly, i can read thru it so smoothly and still catch all the content. Original poem, no doubt about it, the concept kept me interested. This was chocked full of emotion and imagery that blended in so well. I would quote your shit, but really every stanza would be quoted, this is hof material. Who knows, possibly legendary.

    Check this..
    http://www.rapbattles.com/forum/show...ts-347509.html

  13. #13
    red.prose
    Join Date
    Jun 2006
    Location
    Helsinki
    Posts
    180
    Battle Record
    0-1

    Re: The Highway of Eden

    thanks for the feed.
    Abstanti.

    To view links or images in signatures your post count must be 50 or greater. You currently have 0 posts.

  14. #14
    I got fire! Rah Gwahn's Avatar
    Join Date
    Feb 2002
    Location
    UK
    Age
    34
    Posts
    2,793
    Battle Record
    1-0

    Re: The Highway of Eden

    Quote Originally Posted by Opus View Post
    the barrel spit a seed through the marrow
    that grew into a leaf
    and bloomed on the backside
    of his head-
    his final thoughts were roses
    This single stanza gripped me man, i loved this. I read it briefly when you first gave me the link and didn't make sense of it because i was busy, but now i read it, there's so much juicy information here and it seems to flow so neatly, down to the way you placed your lines. There's a literary 'flow diagram' going on, and i feel it's talking about a gun being fired into his head, beautifully capped with "his final thoughts were roses,". This in itself holds quite a powerful value, and gives me a slow-mo' feel of deep coloured rose petals.

    The poem's concept itself is nothing alien, but the way it was designed to be read took it to another level of enjoyment and i can't say i got lost once throughout. The rhyming although sporadic still seemed to have a certain diversity, as though it doesn't have to rhyme if you don't read it to, and i think that's a great way of keeping a 'pure' setup, because obviously i can read it three or four different ways, and get different feelings from different devices.

    Awesome work bro, i'd go into more of what i loved about it but i'd end up just talking about random stuff, like i told you haha - so sorry about that. This is a positive move for you and like Ledge said, there's only a matter of direction from now on, so it's safe to say i'm looking forward to spotting a variety in your work in the future.

    Peace

    To view links or images in signatures your post count must be 50 or greater. You currently have 0 posts.



    To view links or images in signatures your post count must be 50 or greater. You currently have 0 posts.

    [Po'Ethics][Written Voices]

Similar Threads

  1. Highway to Hellsent.
    By Mr. Black in forum Open Mic
    Replies: 16
    Last Post: September 13th, 2010, 01:14 PM
  2. Hells Highway
    By Sen4te in forum Open Mic
    Replies: 8
    Last Post: March 1st, 2010, 06:35 PM
  3. highway robbery
    By mickey spotz in forum Open Mic
    Replies: 8
    Last Post: July 24th, 2009, 12:22 AM
  4. Before Eden
    By Braille in forum Open Mic
    Replies: 14
    Last Post: August 17th, 2005, 06:45 PM
  5. Before Eden
    By Chronic Cancer in forum Open Mic
    Replies: 8
    Last Post: July 7th, 2005, 10:53 PM

Posting Rules

  • You may not post new threads
  • You may not post replies
  • You may not post attachments
  • You may not edit your posts
  •