A man that falls in love twice a day

[Neruda II]

[SOUNDCLICK]5857612[/SOUNDCLICK]

Start
a riot
the size
of your name,
call it a blessing in disguise,
begging to be counted on.
Your faith has fluttered like guitar strings
with every glance
aimed at the noun
that general consensus
tells you that you're missing.
And I,
acting as you-
with no self deprivation,
can attest to the disgust that swims in your mouth
when your cheeks turn red
and you wish
that you could place a bet on this pale horse.
I’ve seen far too many lungs collapse like trees
To let your breath be wasted on me.
It would be as tragic as forgotten funerals
If your morphine lips
Were to find a home in this vacuous dementia.
I’ve gotten mean looks from angels
That spend their hours plucking romantic fantasies
From overgrown child issues,
But that aint enough to hold back a fervent warrior’s
Caring catharsis.
We fold ourselves inside out pop up books
In the hope that someone will take the time to see us for what we could be
But now there are too many possibilities of
An introspective love triangle
And not enough for a one on one with you.
A second guess turned into a first chance
when you chose to give me a few moments
of your graceful day
to let me know that it's okay to smile.
I'll oblige your delicate words,
and maybe next time I'll think of a better response
to your self indulged introduction
than,


"That's a pretty name."

[LedgenZ]

Wow...this is your best spoken word yet. Even though, you had a few technical issues where it seemed you tried to overlap some of your words with maybe an echo effect or something of that nature, which sort of disrupted the flow of the poem. But as a whole this was very good, I liked you delivery a lot and you seemed to really be in control of the content. It didn't seemed to be rushed at all, it seemed like you really took your time to enunciate your words and make everything come across as clear and crisp, as well as articulated. The pace of the poem was really nice too...your subtle pauses here and there really allowed the listener time to let everything sink in. No real complaints this time. Like I said, your best yet, and just dope in general. Good job dude. Keep 'em coming.

P.S. - the actually poem itself was extremely interesting and worded perfectly...I loved it!



pZ

[Neruda II]

Haha, thanks for all the positive feed man! You don't know how many times I checked this page for feed in the last week or so. Glad someone finally checked it out. I felt that this was a big step forward as far as my spokenword goes and I think that the poem itself is one of the best I've written so far. I posted this up on another forum and I got the usual response I get, that I should slow down even more, I don't know how slow people want me to go but I think I should be putting more into it as far as emotion goes. I'm still trying to get this whole thing down and trying to find my own style. Right now my influence is coming from Buddy Wakefield and I think it shows, but I feel that his style is very similar to mines(as far as what I want to convey in spokenword). The echo/overlap thing was a mistake, I made a mistake in the reading and tried to fix it, knowing that my knowledge of cool edit wouldn't suffice to even handle that small task. It's becoming more natural with practice and experience. Now when I read my poetry, I'm starting to feel where I should pause, and whatnot. I'll keep going at it and I hope that you drop something soon so I can return the favor.

[LedgenZ]

Word, we're on the same page dude with the whole "it's starting to become natural and learning where to pause" thing. Now as far as the cool edit shit goes, well, hell I'm still using a voice recorder and I can barely handle that, so trust me...I feel you. Anyway, I have a new piece in the wing right now, but like I said, I'm still on the voice recorder ish...so it only records as a WAV file, which is pretty much a no-go when it comes to posting it on Soundclick or RB for that matter...you know... pretty much same problem I had last time. But yeah, back to your style, I actually like your...I don't want to say dry...but laid back demeanor, it kind of feels like your telling a story or something when you recite your poems..it's unique, different, I mean far from flawless, but definitely something you shouldn't abandon on transformed based on the opinions of a few "would be" poets. Like Sage said, "Emcees who think their rippin' it and poets who thinks their somehow significant, mean while both are loud and ignorant and don't know how speak to a crowd in an intimate environment" LOL...you see where I'm going with that? Get at me! Pz