The Showdown.

[Broly]

The Showdown

He was called out, to a deadly showdown
Holding his head high, as he walked in the middle of town
Seen the man he was facing, thomas mcgruder
Known as one of the baddest killing showdown shooters

His lightblue eyes were filled with fear
Sweat across his forehead, running down like tears
Eyebrows thick bushed and ran like a waterfall
Tilted his hat so you couldn't see his eyes wich tells it all
Smile upon his face, showing his dirty teeth
Filled with plaque, and all types of gum disease
Boots laced up and he was ready to have this showdown
Knowing the consequnces, not caring about it now
He had already suffered enough, while living in the town
Lost his family to resistance riders, and was thrown around
But alas, he stood tall with his chest sticking out
And as they stood staring, the towns murmers went about
He only stood at 5'8, with desire to kill a man
It was almost noon, when he had a twitch in his hand
As the sand trickled across the ground
The noon sunrise was pleasant upon his mouth
Everyone was silent, gathering what they could hear
Waiting, wanting to see what happens here
These men, showdown, one's going to dissapear

As the clock struck noon, his heart was beating heavy
But he kept his strong posture, and aim was deadly
He slung his gun out with a force and shot with a purpose
Unfortanitly he missed, his misforune lead to being murdered

[Broly]

Links coming soon.

http://www.rapbattles.com/forum/show...no-356778.html
http://www.rapbattles.com/forum/show...ly-356694.html

[H2O']

Nice read, this is whats up tho
check it out,

He was called out, to a deadly showdown
Holding his head high, as he walked in the middle of town
Seen the man he was facing, thomas mcgruder
Known as one of the baddest killing showdown shooters

Okay, this is an alright opener. Not real hot.. but it gets the shit goin. So right off the bat, you know the subject.. You can picture this in you're head, you used good choice of words to create it in my mind. I see this guy in the old western era, looking across the town at some outlaw . The flows eh, its a little choppy.. And the rhyme scheme is simple.

His lightblue eyes were filled with fear
Sweat across his forehead, running down like tears
Eyebrows thick bushed and ran like a waterfall
Tilted his hat so you couldn't see his eyes wich tells it all
Smile upon his face, showing his dirty teeth
Filled with plaque, and all types of gum disease
Boots laced up and he was ready to have this showdown
Knowing the consequnces, not caring about it now

This is a nice little stanza right here. Again, with the imagiry, i like how you describe how this man looks ( the typical cowboy ) And you also add in a little bit of his personality, which would seem to be carless. The flow remains the same, and the rhyme scheme is simple.

Lost his family to resistance riders, and was thrown around
But alas, he stood tall with his chest sticking out
And as they stood staring, the towns murmers went about
He only stood at 5'8, with desire to kill a man
It was almost noon, when he had a twitch in his hand
As the sand trickled across the ground
The noon sunrise was pleasant upon his mouth
Everyone was silent, gathering what they could hear
Waiting, wanting to see what happens here
These men, showdown, one's going to dissapear

Not feelin this set of line so much. The imagiry is still there, and it stays strong.. but it startes to get a little simple. The rhyme scheme is plain, and the flow get real choppy. On some bars you strecthed a line or two, and others they were short. Just work on that and you'll be straight.

As the clock struck noon, his heart was beating heavy
But he kept his strong posture, and aim was deadly
He slung his gun out with a force and shot with a purpose
Unfortanitly he missed, his misforune lead to being murdered

Nice closer, i liked how you ended it with a twist. I pictured it in my head, as like this big bad guy just got killed, and its a big suprise. But shit like that happens, cuz the guy who killed em is now worse than him. Good stuff.

Overall - i like this peice alot, alot of emotion.. and imagiry. Easy for a reader to go along. the flow was a little choppy, and simple.. and you need to add more multies. Make your verses more complex, and try to stay away from strectched lines. Work on that and you'll elevate greatly.

With that said, good peice.
It was a nice read.

[H2O']

http://www.rapbattles.com/forum/show...no-356778.html

If you don't mind, thanks.

[Vincent Maestro]

haha nice to see you back u been missing lately....
but yeah man hot piece I like how you painted a picture of a straight rebel...
You killed the flow on this shit....fire rhymes:

Smile upon his face, showing his dirty teeth
Filled with plaque, and all types of gum disease
Boots laced up and he was ready to have this showdown
Knowing the consequnces, not caring about it now
He had already suffered enough, while living in the town
Lost his family to resistance riders, and was thrown around
But alas, he stood tall with his chest sticking out......

Those were my favorite lines righ there.....

keep these deep pieces coming.......you got some of the tighest concepts in your barrel of creativeness.

Rating:8.6/10

[Broly]

Word^, been going through some things.

Thanks for the feed.

[Broly]

Ups.

[Broly]

Tops.

[Kandlestic]

Flow was hot kept basic couplet rhyme scheme but you made it work
Imagery was what caputered me most