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Thread: Consuming

  1. #1
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    Consuming

    Consuming
    by: mirage

    This world seems so perfect to the outsider
    How he always stands beside her
    And how they always get along
    But what they don't see are the tears; the overwhelming fears

    That consume her

    Every night she crys herself to sleep
    Curling her cuts close to her, oh how they're deep
    What they don't see is the anguish and pain
    And how she see's it as a life or death one way game

    That comsumes her

    She's battling in herself on the front line
    Not lookin' back at the world she left behind
    Cryin' and wailin' at the missed chance
    Her life is like that one longing for dance

    The thought consumes her

    Nobody believes her when she says
    That everything has gone way over her head
    And that she's fallin' off her strength into nothingness
    Is a place without pain really bliss?

    It threatens to consume her

    He walked out and left her heart bleeding
    Her aching heart pumping, pumping, beating, beating
    She's letting her emotions trickle out like blood
    The feeling is something like getting stuck in the mud

    Thoughts consume her

    She's battling in herself on the front line
    Not lookin' back at the world she left behind

    Consuming




  2. #2
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    Last edited by .mirage.; April 26th, 2008 at 04:28 AM

  3. #3
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    Re: Consuming

    Links up. Ready for feed.

  4. #4
    -Camera Kisses- P. Mortuus's Avatar
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    Re: Consuming

    This shit was short sweet and dope.Honestly you cant be new,because you have to much understanding of poetry.The Imagery you inserted in this piece was up to par with some of the people who have been dropping in this section for sometime.Emotion wise you pretty much just matched you imagery if you understand what I'm saying.Also I loved the picture you added at the end it fitted right in perfect.You should join IE.You have a chance to be threat.Dope shit stay up and let me see you keep dropping new shit.Cause we always get some good poets then in a couple of days they leave.
    Kiss me through the camera lens.
    TNL

  5. #5
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    Re: Consuming

    I'm here to stay man. Thanks for the feed.

  6. #6
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    Re: Consuming

    Can I have more feed please.

  7. #7
    rockNroll Märtyr's Avatar
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    Re: Consuming

    I mean, I enjoyed this but it's quite apparent to me that your poetry adventures have been limited to only a few months of steady writing. I mean, it's not that it's bad, it's just the lack of poetic devices used, and their was really no interesting twists/metaphors. It all felt like you were lacking with though-provoking descriptions. Perhaps, work more on imagery in your pieces, create exciting images for the reader. Also, add some clever metaphors in the piece, that way it will leave the reader dwelling on the piece, left in awe-shock by it. I enjoyed the blood similie, it was well placed, and fit the piece well. Overall man, this was a very quality read and I enjoyed it.
    Legion of Kings.

  8. #8
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    Re: Consuming

    Thanks for the advice man.

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