A Paradox within a tattered and torn man

[Spoken Deity]

I wrote this for my now Fiance... There was a battle in my mind about asking her to be my wife because logic and heart were just tearing at different sides of my brain...So thats why I wrote this. There is some personal imagery involving tattoos and biblical stuff. This is ment to be a spoken word bit. So view it that way and it all comes together... dope?
Any questions or whatever, ask...
Here it is!

Paradox within a tattered and torn man-

Everyone has their demons…
Maybe something left back on the railroad track…
Maybe something this old engine can’t unload.
Like a perfect origami box; except it’s within fold.
Everyone has that battle inside…
The life altering decisions or your prideful political opinion
Wishful dreams of feminine things collide with church ideals
I think I’ll lay time to slaughter to rip inside myself,
To figure out what it is that makes this mind of mine
click…

Logic:
I’m sick full of the Systems and schematics that tell me it won’t happen.
Your account has to bleed green a little bit before you
pluck that Rose of Sharon.
People often say it’s okay to wonder the garden and prune a bit though
I guess that takes off the pressure of touching things I didn’t know
And I’m an educated man; theologies and philosophies,
mixed with classic Catholic eulogies create a sense of unity in this mind
Whilst seeking the meaning of the inscriptions on the wall,
skipping through the labyrinth of ideological truths, I tend to fall
Cut my knees, slice my chin, and ruin my favorite pair of paints…
But I sleep at night knowing I’ll eventually conquer it all
With all this blissful thinking, I forget there’s a piece missing
Its drums of thunder heard, blocking out the noises in my head
Keating grabbing my face, telling me to scream from my heart
Its been beating inside me sense birth, gnashing its teeth from the start
And now it rears its ugly head, slipping inside my
quiet life of desperation… I guess I left a window cracked

Heart:
I can’t explain or reason out the reason I dream about her face,
chasing her under a parted sky, ripped by time
Soaking in every moment, wanting nothing left behind
Words, bars, and lines can’t explain the rain that falls on my head.
It might kill me if it ends…but I’m simply love struck
My insides might die… But her face would be the pattern of my cuts
"I mourn every tear you shed, regardless of why you wept"
And I’ve cried, tears flowing onto your lap, until my souls got nothing left
Emotions like this might make me look like a broke spirit- at best
I’ll have this love carved into the center of my chest,
Letting the inkwell convey what words can hardly touch
But sometimes reality sinks in, taking swipes on these thoughts,
Kicking in the door, re-opening the sore, destroying what I felt before
Now I grasp my heart’s truth about as well as I can hold onto fate
Reasoning out the reasons as I pillage and rape this feeling of love…
And now it rears it’s ugly head, slipping inside my
quiet life of desperation… I guess I left a window cracked


In the end I can give testimony to the reality of this love
No one can make sense of something that you can’t explain
with either side of your brain…Left or right
Logic or heart… I can’t begin to understand the calls of the wind
But I will scribe my heart and mind into all that I am
Wrap it tightly, covered in truth, facts, tears and blood…
Filled with my filth, muck, mire and mud…
All that I am, given to one person; kept out of plain view
I’ll give it all I got to destroy these walls of insecurity
and give myself to you…

[Spoken Deity]

http://www.rapbattles.com/forum/show...sy-371798.html
http://www.rapbattles.com/forum/show...nd-371542.html

[$pitacular]

Everyone has their demons…
Maybe something left back on the railroad track…
Maybe something this old engine can’t unload.
Like a perfect origami box; except it’s within fold.
Everyone has that battle inside…
The life altering decisions or your prideful political opinion
Wishful dreams of feminine things collide with church ideals
I think I’ll lay time to slaughter to rip inside myself,
To figure out what it is that makes this mind of mine
click…
very powerful opening.. I love the abstract imagery, the prep for the look within the feminine & social ideology of marriage as well as within yourself


Logic:
I’m sick full of the Systems and schematics that tell me it won’t happen.
Your account has to bleed green a little bit before you
pluck that Rose of Sharon.
People often say it’s okay to wonder the garden and prune a bit though
I guess that takes off the pressure of touching things I didn’t know
And I’m an educated man; theologies and philosophies,
mixed with classic Catholic eulogies create a sense of unity in this mind
Whilst seeking the meaning of the inscriptions on the wall,
skipping through the labyrinth of ideological truths, I tend to fall
Cut my knees, slice my chin, and ruin my favorite pair of paints…
But I sleep at night knowing I’ll eventually conquer it all
With all this blissful thinking, I forget there’s a piece missing
Its drums of thunder heard, blocking out the noises in my head
Keating grabbing my face, telling me to scream from my heart
Its been beating inside me sense birth, gnashing its teeth from the start
And now it rears its ugly head, slipping inside my
quiet life of desperation… I guess I left a window cracked
great writing here.. should have been "wander" not wonder.. other than that, fantastic glimpse into your mind here, your background, lovin it so far

Heart:
I can’t explain or reason out the reason I dream about her face,
chasing her under a parted sky, ripped by time
Soaking in every moment, wanting nothing left behind
Words, bars, and lines can’t explain the rain that falls on my head.
It might kill me if it ends…but I’m simply love struck
My insides might die… But her face would be the pattern of my cuts
I mourn every tear you shed, regardless of why you wept
And I’ve cried, tears flowing onto your lap, until my souls got nothing left
Emotions like this might make me look like a broke spirit- at best
I’ll have this love carved into the center of my chest,
Letting the inkwell convey what words can hardly touch
But sometimes reality sinks in, taking swipes on these thoughts,
Kicking in the door, re-opening the sore, destroying what I felt before
Now I grasp my heart’s truth about as well as I can hold onto fate
Reasoning out the reasons as I pillage and rape this feeling of love…
And now it rears it’s ugly head, slipping inside my
quiet life of desperation… I guess I left a window cracked
another great section here.. like the re-use of the cracked window to develop a pattern that gives the piece a well-rounded feel, very open and honest writing here

In the end I can give testimony to the reality of this love
No one can make sense of something that you can’t explain
with either side of your brain…Left or right
Logic or heart… I can’t begin to understand the calls of the wind
But I will scribe my heart and mind into all that I am
Wrap it tightly, covered in truth, facts, tears and blood…
Filled with my filth, muck, mire and mud…
All that I am, given to one person; kept out of plain view
I’ll give it all I got to destroy these walls of insecurity
and give myself to you…
bit of a hurried ending imo.. I would have liked the debate between logic and the heart to stretch to another two paragraphs (one more for each, kind of like a back n forth) but all in all a wonderful poem, great job. You're definitely a writer capable of being published. Hell I'd buy your poetry.

pz

[DA_|NF|N|TE_1]

I really did like your piece, me and you have two different types of style. You are more on the closed form which is more on a pattern that the open form that I use which can be used anyway you want it to be used.

[Neruda II]

i like how you bit that line from slug

I mourn every tear you shed, regardless of why you wept

[Spoken Deity]

i like how you bit that line from slug

There's an actually reason for that bit though... Not because I couldnt think of anything, but because it's a song her and I are in love with... SO i've got a reason to bite... if there ever was one

[Spoken Deity]

i might actually rewrite that rhyme though because most people arent going to get that... fuck

[Vaskez]

Everyone has their demons…
Maybe something left back on the railroad track…
Maybe something this old engine can’t unload.
Like a perfect origami box; except it’s within fold.
Everyone has that battle inside…
The life altering decisions or your prideful political opinion
Wishful dreams of feminine things collide with church ideals
I think I’ll lay time to slaughter to rip inside myself,
To figure out what it is that makes this mind of mine
click…

yeah not bad opening, I mean you got some ideas across. Flow coulda been improved and some of the concepts seem trying too hard to be abstract, but not bad.

Logic:
I’m sick full of the Systems and schematics that tell me it won’t happen.
Your account has to bleed green a little bit before you
pluck that Rose of Sharon.
People often say it’s okay to wonder the garden and prune a bit though
I guess that takes off the pressure of touching things I didn’t know
And I’m an educated man; theologies and philosophies,
mixed with classic Catholic eulogies create a sense of unity in this mind
Whilst seeking the meaning of the inscriptions on the wall,
skipping through the labyrinth of ideological truths, I tend to fall
Cut my knees, slice my chin, and ruin my favorite pair of paints…
But I sleep at night knowing I’ll eventually conquer it all
With all this blissful thinking, I forget there’s a piece missing
Its drums of thunder heard, blocking out the noises in my head
Keating grabbing my face, telling me to scream from my heart
Its been beating inside me sense birth, gnashing its teeth from the start
And now it rears its ugly head, slipping inside my
quiet life of desperation… I guess I left a window cracked

yeah, I dont have much time to dedicate to reading and getttin into it, but on a quick read, I guess you're not going for flow as I cant really find the rhythm so we'll ignore that aspect. Metaphors were good. Although some of this stuff you said here would fit better under the Heart section. But I can see the logic part about the ideologies. Myabe u coulda expanded more on exactly what parts of the ideologies are causing you to feel ripped in two

Heart:
I can’t explain or reason out the reason I dream about her face,
chasing her under a parted sky, ripped by time
Soaking in every moment, wanting nothing left behind
Words, bars, and lines can’t explain the rain that falls on my head.
It might kill me if it ends…but I’m simply love struck
My insides might die… But her face would be the pattern of my cuts
I mourn every tear you shed, regardless of why you wept
And I’ve cried, tears flowing onto your lap, until my souls got nothing left
Emotions like this might make me look like a broke spirit- at best
I’ll have this love carved into the center of my chest,
Letting the inkwell convey what words can hardly touch
But sometimes reality sinks in, taking swipes on these thoughts,
Kicking in the door, re-opening the sore, destroying what I felt before
Now I grasp my heart’s truth about as well as I can hold onto fate
Reasoning out the reasons as I pillage and rape this feeling of love…
And now it rears it’s ugly head, slipping inside my
quiet life of desperation… I guess I left a window cracked

This section seemed more focussed and fitting to the title. again, I like the metaphors, nicely done.

In the end I can give testimony to the reality of this love
No one can make sense of something that you can’t explain
with either side of your brain…Left or right
Logic or heart… I can’t begin to understand the calls of the wind
But I will scribe my heart and mind into all that I am
Wrap it tightly, covered in truth, facts, tears and blood…
Filled with my filth, muck, mire and mud…
All that I am, given to one person; kept out of plain view
I’ll give it all I got to destroy these walls of insecurity
and give myself to you…

pretty cool ending. Good way to say that you're torn in two ways, maybe coulda said a bit more about the previous parts to kinda link them together


btw the link in your sig needs fixing


lol I'm prolly not the best person to ask for feedback on this kinda stuff, I review technical stuff at work, unless I'm personally attached to a poem cos it's somethin to do with me, I dont really get into them

[Spoken Deity]

Thanks dude...
The flow wasnt really ment to be there... This is much more of a spoken word. Most spoken poetry here in the North West doenst have alot of flow... Super random beat.

Thanks for taking a look. I appriciate a dope head taking alook.

[$pitacular]

Thanks dude...
The flow wasnt really ment to be there... This is much more of a spoken word. Most spoken poetry here in the North West doenst have alot of flow... Super random beat.

Thanks for taking a look. I appriciate a dope head taking alook.

Don't change that line to accomodate kids on RB

If that song means something to you and your girl, that's all that matters, because that's really who it's written for.. And more for yourself than anyone

People place too much emphasis on technical shit when poetry is all about emotion

[LedgenZ]

Well, I for one thought that you did a great job. I mean, you had all the elements/devices necessary to create a superb piece of prose. However, there were a few things that could have used some tightening up. Namely, your structure could have been a lot better. I mean, I don’t know, I just felt like the lack of breaks in your piece made the poem come across congested and jumbled; as well as slow and at times even daunting. I think if you would have broken this poem down into smaller stanza it would have come across a lot more fluidly. But whatever, it was still a dope read by all accounts. I especially enjoyed the way you articulated your emotions in such a natural tone and manner. It just seemed organic and without intent to impress…like I said, just natural. Likewise, I think you had a lot of great wordplay sprinkled throughout your drop. And you used it so candidly and effortlessly that it blended in perfectly with the rest of the poetry. Huh what else….oh…yeah…the emotion was there and so was the substance. So all in all, I enjoyed myself. Props.

Favorite lines:

I guess that takes off the pressure of touching things I didn’t know
And I’m an educated man; theologies and philosophies,
mixed with classic Catholic eulogies create a sense of unity in this mind
Whilst seeking the meaning of the inscriptions on the wall,
skipping through the labyrinth of ideological truths, I tend to fall
Cut my knees, slice my chin, and ruin my favorite pair of paints…
But I sleep at night knowing I’ll eventually conquer it all
With all this blissful thinking, I forget there’s a piece missing
Its drums of thunder heard, blocking out the noises in my head
Keating grabbing my face, telling me to scream from my heart
Its been beating inside me sense birth, gnashing its teeth from the start
And now it rears its ugly head, slipping inside my
quiet life of desperation… I guess I left a window cracked

^From that point on I knew it was going to be a great read.

[Spoken Deity]

uppin

[Harvey Dent]

Really nice job in this piece man, and seeing as you wrote about your real life. The fight you waged against yourself in terms of whether or not to ask this woman to be your wife. Whether or not you wanted to walk down the road of eternity with this woman. Is a really well played roll man. Both in reality, and in this piece. Your wording was really well chosen, and every line flowed just fluently for me man. Your has your basics down really raw. And had me reading all the way from start to finish without the smalled EARGE of wanting to pause. Imagery was very intricate man, and I felt your emotions were strongly put in here. It's really nice to see you writing again, and I was amazed by this read. Keep it up.

Favorite lines....

I mourn every tear you shed, regardless of why you wept
And I’ve cried, tears flowing onto your lap, until my souls got nothing left
Emotions like this might make me look like a broke spirit- at best
I’ll have this love carved into the center of my chest,
Letting the inkwell convey what words can hardly touch
But sometimes reality sinks in, taking swipes on these thoughts,
Kicking in the door, re-opening the sore, destroying what I felt before
Now I grasp my heart’s truth about as well as I can hold onto fate
Reasoning out the reasons as I pillage and rape this feeling of love…
And now it rears it’s ugly head, slipping inside my
quiet life of desperation… I guess I left a window cracked
[b]another great section here.. like the re-use of the cracked window to develop a pattern that gives the piece a well-rounded feel, very open and honest writing here

[Harvey Dent]

http://www.rapbattles.com/forum/show...html?p=6472819

[Spoken Deity]

uppin yo...