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Thread: The Magic Lunch Box

  1. #1
    Wordbenders Jawn Raw's Avatar
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    The Magic Lunch Box



    The Magic Lunch-Box

    “Everyday before school Junior
    would awake with his mother
    packing him a lunch.”


    & Everyday she made sure Junior
    had his veggie’s before his goodies.
    But Junior was always to excited cause
    he was always quick to munch his cookies.
    The tasty flavors of these diverse snacks,
    such different feelings to experience.
    He was packed two very scrumptious
    salami and pepperoni sandwiches.
    Before he ate them, he was found
    aroused towards his lovely cheese sticks.
    With a ranch dipping sauce to enhance
    the delicious taste of mold, such luscious
    bites he never would have imagined
    if it wasn’t for the fungus in his milk.

    “He continued eating - breathless at the same time
    he devours the rest of his Lunch-Box.”


    Cause these voluptuous ginger snaps his mother
    packed were pleasant-tasting to his tongue.
    Juniors favorite delectable was the most
    likely to be elected - no longer very respected.
    But now he was the president of munchies.
    Junior soon became the next capital punishment
    as such rank growing mold formed around
    the rings of his circle shaped Christmas cookies.
    Junior neglected to finish the rest in the last moments,
    his mother cried and moped - at the same time
    she was nearly soaked and strained of her hope.
    She begged “No! Junior don’t do it!
    No Junior! Just savor the rest before it samples
    & discovers the filling! Or it could recover the hunger
    from your undercover stomach pains.”


    Don't Do Drugs.
    Last edited by Jawn Raw; August 7th, 2008 at 11:47 PM

  2. #2
    Wordbenders Jawn Raw's Avatar
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    Last edited by Jawn Raw; August 6th, 2008 at 06:56 AM

  3. #3
    God Fist Spoken Deity's Avatar
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    Re: The Magic Lunch Box

    This was awesome... The transition between the snacks was so good. Sounds like a weird thing tocomment on, but it was good! The imagery used to describe his taste was brilliant... Like, seriously. I really think this was an awesome poem.
    I didnt know where you were going to go with it but I was happy when i was done with the imagery, intelligent word choice, and the conclusion (which was fucking awesome)...

    This drop was dope man, haha.

  4. #4
    Wordbenders Jawn Raw's Avatar
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    Re: The Magic Lunch Box

    well im surprised you enjoyed this man, i didn't know if it would stand up and compare to my usual standards lol. since I tried something different kinda.

  5. #5
    God Fist Spoken Deity's Avatar
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    Re: The Magic Lunch Box

    na, it was a good experiment...The imagery with the taste was really good...

    This wasnt some deep, my wife just died and my dog is dead kind of drop... It had everything it needed to be imo

  6. #6
    Goodbye Moon Kuekuatsheu™'s Avatar
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    Re: The Magic Lunch Box

    I enjoyed this read. The imagery and the wording were hand in hand. I got a few laughs as I went along. You did very well with this. You shouldn't be surprised. It's what you aimed for and you hit your target in my eyes. The vocab. used was nice and it complimented the imagery. It never casted a shadow over any description or caused a pause. The emotion was nice because it was light hearted and it gave an easy feeling to the entire piece. Like I said you did very well.

  7. #7
    Town Rapist Ink Poyzin's Avatar
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    Re: The Magic Lunch Box

    This was definitely a good piece. It's a little different from some of the piece I read in Poetic Scriptures. I think that's what makes this so unique though. You did a well job with the wording. The vocabulary was nice. The imagery... I really enjoyed it. It was dope. The only thing it lacked was emotion, but... I think when writing a piece like this... The emotion should get set aside. This was perfectly wrote.

  8. #8
    Wordbenders Jawn Raw's Avatar
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    Re: The Magic Lunch Box

    word thanks for the feed people, leave links I'll rtf.

  9. #9
    -Camera Kisses- P. Mortuus's Avatar
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    Re: The Magic Lunch Box

    This was a good peice though I noticed 2 small mistakes, you had and extra "had" in one line and in another you said "bagged" instead of begged...other than thos 2 small mistakes the piece itself was pretty interesting. Some parts stronger than others, like some lines seemed okay but never did anything however, other lines were very nicely worded and had more of an effect on me as a reader. Overall, good work.
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  10. #10
    Wordbenders Jawn Raw's Avatar
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    Re: The Magic Lunch Box

    thanks i fixed them. up.

  11. #11
    Wordbenders Jawn Raw's Avatar
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    Re: The Magic Lunch Box

    for a hof on this piece it hasn't had enough feedback i believe. wtf

  12. #12
    Banned Ace of Aces's Avatar
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    Re: The Magic Lunch Box

    Interesting stuff. A fart bit off the norm anyway.

    Definitely the detailed imagery was what this piece out to be something great. The wording and everything all played a good role with that. I think though this topic is done often you did it in such a unique way. I liked the overall tone of the piece because it really made this out to be a fun read.

    cool stuff.

    when you get the chance, please rtf on this:
    http://www.rapbattles.com/forum/show...re-383723.html

    peACE

  13. #13
    Conquering Lion Prince Escobar's Avatar
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    Re: The Magic Lunch Box

    Interesting drop, I didn't really like it but it wasn't exactly bad either. I think you have a nack for imagery but overall the poem just seemed really vague and it felt as if you could have driven your point home in a clearer way. I loved the first stanza but in the second one you kind of lost my interest and I lost understanding, so maybe if you cleaned up the second stanza the piece would seem more impactful.
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