Possessed (Arc & Aries God)

[Phoenix.]

Possessed

aries|Arial
arc.|Tahoma

As the ropes grasped my neck,
i could taste the fire in my lungs,
feel the heat inside my body
-the little bastards taking control
my mind puts up a fight
for the bodies strength can hold no more
the thorns imbedded in my chest
symboled a crest-
that i was taken over, by
the red man they call lucifer-
the name of an evil creature,
created by god to be a god-
his demonic attacks
wrapped up my soul, sent it
to oblivion and beyond,
my mind can no more put up
a fight, too weak and torn
from the demons claws leaping at it.

The Demon settles...

A soul shared,
the origional pushed
to the back of mind,
losing all control
of bodily function,
driven like a vehicle.

Shadows bind,
these beings together
when in reality,
they're worlds apart.

Candles to cleanse?
seperation is a must
as the aroma tries,
to push us apart
the way gasoline swirls,
sit upon a puddle.

...The souls unfold

[Phoenix.]

.one

[spokenoh]

Well, this was a different read. I was expecting something different than I got but anyways.
I think this could have been much better to put it blunt. This seemed like something you didn't put much creativity into. You mention Lucifer and do some cliches by mentioning thorns and demons and whatnot. I think you could have maybe made your topic of Possession different. You know? Instead of describing being possessed by demons in the Biblical sense, you could have wrote as if you were possessed by an abstract thing like love, commercialism, fear, etc. Also, don't take this the way it takes, but those bridge sentences were way too corny and didn't help it flow at all.
Despite this sounding like I'm hating, I see room for improvement. The last stanza was pretty good, and exhibited a higher level of thinking when it comes to writing. I think your problem is you are trying too hard to write at this point. Remember in school when you brainstormed things to write? Try it out and you'll find yourself with a poem. Make connections, and if you write with two people, find common ground. Good luck and keep writing.

[Spoken Deity]

this wasnt bad at all... I loved it as a read.
Some imagery was really good, others a bit out place and kind of played. However, you conveyed the ideas perfectly on an interesting subject.
You kept the reader wanting more simply because of the story line, the direction. I could have read another 20-30 lines in all honesty.
This was simply fun...
hit ma sig, God is dead

[Lammy]

the imagery from the second half was a little more captivating ... all together it was a solid drop.

[Keeby Swaggz]

this was cool... very eloquent, well written and vivid... it was a bit short though and didn't feel fully fleshed out... both of your styles complimented each other well... good drop, I just think it could have been expanded a bit...

[abiona]

i have to agree on the need for expansion...
i think in the first half the language could be cleaned up and the images made strengthened... too much filler clogging the lens through which they are presented.

Rather than this:

As the ropes grasped my neck,
i could taste the fire in my lungs,
feel the heat inside my body
-the little bastards taking control
my mind puts up a fight
for the bodies strength can hold no more

Something like this:

Ropes grasp the neck,
as the taste of fire fill lungs
heat builds inside the body
-the little bastards taking control
the mind fights
as flesh weakens


etc.

and i think you could have presented lucifer a little better... we know who he is... thats unecessary. perhaps delving more into why he has chosen you... or what he is doing... etc would add more than the description does.

good start... but i think this is a jumping off point to dig deeper and go farther.