My Special Secret Love

[flat_line]

My Special Secret Love
By:Flatline

The distance between us is far away
I think about her very night and day
Her name is now stuck in my head
I’m sure it simply won’t get deleted.

She wrote me a beautiful romantic poem
I read it and I took one copy at home
She sent me a message saying “I wrote your poem, it’s not that great but I tried”
But it was such a beautiful touching poem and I cried.

I too wrote poems about her
And I think I will write more
She’s like the bluebird in my sky
I wanna make her smile and I love to see her fly.

No matter in different continents we live in
When she’s happy I’m filled with joy within
I have love for this special girl
She worth much, much more than this world, jam & pearl.

Thank you Jesus for connecting me with someone
If I never met her I’m sure some thing’s would always left undone
I thank her for her lovely messages and keeping in touch
And I know she loves me so much.

[P. Mortuus]

Simple and at times I cringed. Not because I though your writing was bad it was just a little too cheesy, a little too lovey dovey. Anyhow, if you do like writing love poems at least try and make them more unique, this piece could apply to any generic youth love story, make the piece more you.

[flat_line]

Thanx for the feed.I usually don't write love poems but I gave it a try

[abiona]

Thanx for the feed.I usually don't write love poems but I gave it a try

so wait...

are you the chick that posts on gotpoetry.... or the dude that posted this a few years ago on allpoetry?

because im confused... and that makes it difficult to give feedback.

[Spoken Deity]

I dont know how often you write, but I'd say you need to work on a few things.
First off, structure. You're close but still missing it. Break up thoughts, use punctuation, but not to much. Break lines to showcase certain bits of imagery aswell.
Speaking of imagery, try to write how you ACTUALLY feel. Blue birds? No, people in love dont think about blue birds. Trust me, 80% of my drops are about my fiance.
Then work on direction, storyline, plot...whatever. Start using your emotion and creativity and put into things you dont really feel.
I live 340 miles away from my fiance... When I'm sad and emotionally broken, I might write a piece about a man who's wife died or something. Its using your emotion and putting into other situations.
Hit my Sig... its a strait forward, easy poem and it should help you figure some basics out.

[CALIPH80]

this was very simple and chessy in parts.it seems to be writtne by a young kid who doesnt know what love is yet but feels he has found it.it is decent but needs to be found by the writter first.it seems mixed up and just thrown toghther into a jumble of musshiness.overall it needs a little work and some more complexity.leave feedback on my piece called 'my nation'

[abiona]

so wait...

are you the chick that posts on gotpoetry.... or the dude that posted this a few years ago on allpoetry?

because im confused... and that makes it difficult to give feedback.

i guess you guys didnt get my hint....

im pretty sure this poem was bitten. unless dude is 21 and in India as opposed to 19 and in Cali

[P. Mortuus]

What a crap poem to bite, WTH.