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Thread: 'Beaten'

  1. #1
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    'Beaten'

    my mouth kissed the concrete,
    tounge sprawled across the curb;
    helpless, like a worm trying
    to escape the heat of blacktop.

    fists pounding against my helpless
    body, as an enraged percussionist-
    blood seeping from bruised skin,
    like biting into an aged apple;

    furrowed flesh, mangled and destroyed.
    my body wrinkled into a ball,
    beaten to a mere pulp, and left with
    nothing more than the worthless core.

    I am the counterpart of a voodoo
    doll caught in an elephant stampede,
    a mesh of dismantled ligaments, trampled
    skin, and rupurted arteries.

  2. #2
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    Re: 'Beaten'

    Nice writing and a very good use of imagery. I liked the amount of description you put into your writing. It brought the piece alive for the reader

    A nice, enjoyable piece

  3. #3
    Get Touched abiona's Avatar
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    Re: 'Beaten'

    came together nicely...

    dug the last stanza a lot. felt you could have even gone on a bit more from that point... even just a closing line to give a definitive end to it. perhaps something that would explain where the beating came from.

    the rest of my commentary you already got... but yeah. turned out well.

  4. #4
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    Re: 'Beaten'

    Thanks for the feed, and I agree, ab.

  5. #5
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    Re: 'Beaten'

    This was more of like a 'vibe' piece....more of like you kinda doing an exercise in imagery, I liked that......
    these lines stuck out in the piece IMO....

    fists pounding against my helpless
    body, as an enraged percussionist-
    blood seeping from bruised skin,
    like biting into an aged apple;

    this was real fun to read.

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