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Thread: To the Heavens

  1. #1
    God Fist Spoken Deity's Avatar
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    To the Heavens

    To the Heavens

    Shadows sweep around
    me like swelling seas…
    Slow movements, whispers in
    the void.
    Flowing streams and
    rigid dreams of
    distant stars flicker in
    my mind.
    Brilliant shine,
    little candles along the
    path to Elysian Fields.
    I’m drawn to it.
    Hoping to see beyond
    the path of individual
    ideals taking axes to
    the tree of life.
    I don’t know, I might
    take flight, open my wings
    and soar to a new Eden.
    Letting the scented winds
    of angel’s breath carry me
    to paradise…

    The air caresses me,
    a blanket of peace and love.
    Floating above the endless ground,
    to the house of gods, where
    beauty lies.
    May these wings spread wide,
    capturing the breeze to
    take my spirit and send me home
    amongst the immortals
    glowing orbs, floating souls.
    Where fears are calmed and
    tears are dried…


    Last edited by Spoken Deity; November 14th, 2008 at 07:15 PM

  2. #2
    God Fist Spoken Deity's Avatar
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    Last edited by Spoken Deity; October 30th, 2008 at 02:49 AM

  3. #3
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    Re: To the Heavens

    I liked this piece....it was cool how it was like you put me in the place of someone that was like on the verge of death or something and they were slowly letting there soul rise into the light of the heavens....example:


    I don’t know, I might
    take flight, open my wings
    and soar to a new Eden.
    Letting the scented winds
    of angel’s breath carry me
    to paradise…


    those are lines that really stuck out to me alot.

    structure was good and rhyme scheme was good also....word usage coulda been a lil' better but it didn't take away from this piece that much.

    peace and stay up.

  4. #4
    God Fist Spoken Deity's Avatar
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    Re: To the Heavens

    personification of the moth...

    uppin

  5. #5
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    Re: To the Heavens

    Again another good piece from you spoken. I'm a big fan of the way you write, it's always dark but you words have a real purity to them.

    Like Dayvid said, you place the reader right in the middle of things. This is achived by some very nice imagery and description through out
    It was just finished nicely with a picture that suited your writing

    I can't really say anything bad about this, it was really good.


    Please RTF
    http://www.rapbattles.com/forum/show...er-381700.html

  6. #6
    God Fist Spoken Deity's Avatar
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    Re: To the Heavens

    ups?

  7. #7
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    Re: To the Heavens

    You know what made this piece dope? What really made it special? It was the slant/consonant rhyming. It just sort of flowed in and out of itself, naturally, fluently, and without effort. Likewise, the images you painted came across vibrant and rich in color. To me it wasn't just a poem. It was an experience, an illustration of art, and a journey that kept me interested the entire way through. Simply put, I loved it!

    Favorite lines:
    Shadows sweep around
    me like swelling seas…
    Slow movements, whispers in
    the void.
    Flowing streams and
    rigid dreams of
    distant stars flicker in
    my mind.
    Brilliant shine,
    little candles along the
    path to Elysian Fields.
    I’m drawn to it.
    Hoping to see beyond
    the path of individual
    ideals taking axes to
    the tree of life.
    I don’t know, I might
    take flight, open my wings
    and soar to a new Eden.
    Letting the scented winds
    of angel’s breath carry me
    to paradise…
    ^Personally, I thought this stanza was pretty flawless. I’m not sure what type of changes or adjustments you can make to something like this without taking away from the sheer beauty of the words and concept. I mean, talk about juxtaposition…wow…these words were lain-out perfectly. In broad strokes they were able to illustrate the exact expectation one has when imagining that final journey. What’s most impressive about this portion, and really the poem as a whole, is how simple the language was. What I mean to say is, you were able to use simple and basic words to create vivid and complex images. I mean, teachers have been stressing this method since the beginning of organized writing: Keep It Simple Stupid. It’s amazing how such common words and phrases can be responsible for such beautiful portraits. No homo. LoL.

    Anyway, this entire piece was the shit. No need in over analyzing and dissecting each individual perfection -- instead, how 'bout we just let the 'whole' speak for itself? Feel me?

    Great job Spoken. Consider this piece nom'ed. Pz

  8. #8
    God Fist Spoken Deity's Avatar
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    Re: To the Heavens

    thank you very much sir... I really, really appriciate that.

  9. #9
    God Fist Spoken Deity's Avatar
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    Re: To the Heavens

    upped

  10. #10
    God Fist Spoken Deity's Avatar
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    Re: To the Heavens

    upp

  11. #11
    You've Earned a Custom Title! Rein Ryder's Avatar
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    Re: To the Heavens

    this was truley amazing,
    instant masterpiece as i read and it just got more and more interesting,
    in all honesty your poetry brings the emotion and imagery to life the most IMO.
    keep up the superb work.

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  12. #12
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    Re: To the Heavens

    loved the rhyming, not too much so that it threw me off, but just enough to add a subtle effect on the reader. almost set-up a trancelike state for me to read in, heh. i could feel everything in this, it was THAT vibrant. hah. as ledge said, it was seriously a journey. i went with that moth too the heavens, haha. it was littered with vivid images and the language was just so colourful and subtle, like..it was simple, but not too simple so as to take away from the complexity of the plot. i dug the personification of the moth. the blanket of peace and love line was dope as hell. so yeah, as i was reading this it was like a movie, or a dream..idk how to explain it. but it was pretty damn dope. best thing i've read from you, and so short too! good job man.
    LOL

  13. #13
    God Fist Spoken Deity's Avatar
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    Re: To the Heavens

    uppin

  14. #14
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    Re: To the Heavens

    Shadows sweep around
    me like swelling seas…
    Slow movements, whispers in
    the void.

    'Shadows sweep around me like swelling seas.' < Nice similie. It created a simple and subtle image.. nicely put.

    Flowing streams and
    rigid dreams of
    distant stars flicker in
    my mind.
    Brilliant shine,
    little candles along the
    path to Elysian Fields.
    I’m drawn to it.

    I must say, this was pretty smooth. I think, however, that the last line isn't quite neccessary. It just pro-longs the piece. But, obviously it's not a big deal.. something I wouldn't even bother revising. Ohh, and I believe you should've used a better adjective than little.. it's a boring image.

    Hoping to see beyond
    the path of individual
    ideals taking axes to
    the tree of life.

    This is an ok personification. There's not much to really comment on this.

    I don’t know, I might
    take flight, open my wings
    and soar to a new Eden.
    Letting the scented winds
    of angel’s breath carry me
    to paradise…

    Another nice personifcation.. until you mentioned 'carry me.' It's a little too hyperbolic, in my opinion. Some people dig it, but I'm not much for poem's being too far-fetched.. it takes away from the essence of it. (Alot of people agree with me here, think about revising this part.) Also, I understand the piece as a whole is hyperbolic, but just this part inparticular seems generic and corny.

    The air caresses me,
    a blanket of peace and love.

    Another personification. To be honest, I didn't really enjoy this one.

    Floating above the endless ground,
    to the house of gods, where
    beauty lies.
    May these wings spread wide,
    capturing the breeze to
    take my spirit and send me home
    amongst the immortals
    glowing orbs, floating souls.
    Where fears are calmed and
    tears are dried…

    Not much for me to comment on, really.

    Overall, it was a pretty enjoyable read. I liked the consistent use of personification.. you also had a nice similie that really caught my attention. Revise it a few times, and I think you have a quality poem here. (Which is saying something.. 'cause this is RB, lol.)

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