Seed Tree, Feed Me

[Jon]

Seed Tree, Feed Me

Provided by the single seed of Eve -
an apple was born, premature within.
Rotten fruit never to be placed on tongues
the buds wasted tastes of
substance lacking purpose.
The meat pleaded suicidal
drawn back from edges of knives by
these sacred heart beats,
Pounding out the form of a tree...

Amongst the blades of sharp green,
screaming sprouts mount but
they are sore thumbs in handy soil.
Dirty homes laced with hungry worms
awaiting tree-drops of spoiled fruit.
A flee infested woodpecker abandons eggs
& scrambled minds like kindergarten.
Daddy's chicklets long lost their cages,
& mirrors were backwards after...

Children feast off the apple's rotten core
ingesting the meat to a full state of mind.
The love affair, lost in abandonment -
is found as poison leaking into tenderness.
A tree now formed from a bad apple,
leaves a spoiled linage within itself.
Eve prays the tree will remember its roots,
when sap dripped like tears; & in later years -
spawn a healthy, newborn successor.

Spoiled fruit doesn't always turn out bad.

[Jon]

Getting links asap. Please hit this & leave links.

http://www.rapbattles.com/forum/show...pt-382151.html
http://www.rapbattles.com/forum/show...html?p=6709488

[Uben. Pwnd]

Hmm, Jonathon I must say that this peice was on point.
Strong vocabulary that was painting a good image, as each line I read seemed to visually play within my mind.
Your opening lines captured my interest by bringing it towards a "biblical place".
Defenetly involved deep thought and was among the top writing I've seen from you,
there was emotion, not as high as I thought it would've been but it was still there.
You had very creative lines, which seemed to move the concept along very nicely.
Your ending was beautiful, I thought it carried so much meaning and the image of Eve praying stuck in my mind. As she watches it carry out it's legacy in being a pure tree.

very nice drop Jon.
I only wish I had been better competition against you in IE.

GoodJob.
Hit me up with your next drop, so I can read it as well.

[Jon]

Thanks, hopefully you understood it as I intended.

[Spoken Deity]

This was a good drop... You had some really interesting imagery in here. Really painted the pictures well, clearly displaying what it was you wanted to capture. So for the most part, it was really on point. Your sentence structure was a little strange in some place... Like, a bit awkward but it still worked. The vocab used at first annoyed me... The use of 'BAD' rather than something else. But I remember the 1 bad apple thing and realized it was needed. So You're forgiven on that ... Your structure all together was good; well thought out breaks and what not.
I will say it wouldn't be bad with another stanza or two, although I think you came full circle quite nicely in the drop already. I dig it man! Well done...
To RTF, you can hit my workshop piece

[Jon]

appreciated.

[Uben. Pwnd]

Ooh.
That reminds me.
Will you feed my Workshop Peice?

[Ntalek]

I really thought this piece was put together very well. You opened it up nicely but it wasn't until the second stanza when I really began to notice dopeness..

Amongst the blades of sharp green,
screaming sprouts mount but
they are sore thumbs in handy soil.
Dirty homes laced with hungry worms
awaiting tree-drops of spoiled fruit.

The wording in this specific part was superb..the imager really hit home and really painted this vivid and descriptive picture in my mind..like I was there looking @ something as such..It just seemed like you went a extra step adding imagery on top of imagery right here I really dug it..man really dug it..

I also like how you wrapped everything up at the end going back to the apple...I thought that was a nice touch how you brought it right back and never strayed away..kept every thing tight knit and consistant..

Eve prays the tree will remember its roots,
when sap dripped like tears; & in later years -
spawn a healthy, newborn successor.

These closing lines were beautiful...great imagery and wording yet again...I feel like it was a metaphor or something in here that's not clicking at the moment but maybe I'll grasp it after I reread it...but yeah I really enjoyed this piece and I have four letters for it...

NOM'D...good shit I really enjoyed this read..

[Jon]

To those of you who don't quite understand the 'hidden' metaphore.

imagine the 'apple' as love between two people

the center of love, is lust, which provides a tree..

From there, most of you should be able to get this, it's pretty simple.

[Ebolorama]

I don't think that most in here would pick up on a metaphor like that. i thought that this piece was very strong and the content was just nice. I liked how you came to the topic. It was refreshing to read. Most would just have came pretty basic and threw some random thoughts out that they thought were poetry. The imagery was good but could have a bit better not that I'm trying to down the piece at all. The detail was very nice and I loved the way that it was worded! I wouldn't change a thing on it. I sent you a verse so be on the look for that

[Jon]

Word, thanks for feed.. uppin.

[Vincent Maestro]

I liked the simplicity of this....you didn't try to do too much with the rhymescheme. I liked the tone you approached this topic back.
It was cool how you alluded to Adam and Eve in the garden of Eden and forbidden fruit.

Structure, vocab and imagery were onpoint....like the parts where you spoke of a tree made from spoiled fruit....but you were meaning a family tree started by sinners. that was fun to read.

Good drop here Jon....a lil' simple compared to your other stuff but I still liked it.

Peace.

[Jon]

I liked the simplicity of this....you didn't try to do too much with the rhymescheme. I liked the tone you approached this topic back.
It was cool how you alluded to Adam and Eve in the garden of Eden and forbidden fruit.

Structure, vocab and imagery were onpoint....like the parts where you spoke of a tree made from spoiled fruit....but you were meaning a family tree started by sinners. that was fun to read.

Good drop here Jon....a lil' simple compared to your other stuff but I still liked it.

Peace.

Lol, you misunderstood this obviously. This is the most complex poem, or piece, I've EVER written. But its cool.. Thanks for feed.

[David P]

This piece was really conveyed well, i like how you
tried to be complex but didn't over do it..your word
choices were very nice, and flowed well too
i enjoyed reading this poem, had a nice storyline
involved in the complexity, overall it's a well
written piece, keep writing.

[Trahedy Siphon]

Aye, this was cool man. Littered with ambiguity.. your descriptions were full on harsh as well. The flee infested abandoned eggs thing freaked me out a little but thats good. It's always about putting an image in the readers mind no matter how it turns out. Kinda mixed message cos the fruit does seem bad enough, and it can lead to consequences.. on the other hand its always good to have that choice. I'm fucking a Scottish girl at the minute who I like a lot, she has a boyfriend, in Fife which is miles away. I'm always gonna taste that fruit (no pun intended). Life is choice. I think you wrote it well.