Another Bottled Lullaby - Ebolorama & Jonathon

[Jon]

Another Bottled Lullaby

Of Dusk and Stars
A bottle full of words,
lonely lullabies,
and pros of simple searching
I placed, sealed,
in the water
inch by inch, wave by wave
watched it drift by light
of dusk then soon glow of stars
I sat, thought,
prayed you would find
A bottle full of words,
lonely lullabies,
and pros of simple searching
I dreamt, birthed,
in the water -
lay me, my poems,
I hope you find pieces of me.
This salty pigeon,
flying at wind speed,
corked to perfection.
Sailing by moonlit skies,
accompanied by the stars,
and the dusk adds dust
wash it off when it rolls.
Ten years my elder,
finds this washed up poem,
drunken dry.
I need to be found...

Ebolorama
Jonathon

[Jon]

I do plan on getting some feed on this.

[Spoken Deity]

First off, this was a tongue twister even in my mind to read... But it flowed so well for me... everything. The imagery in both was good, although there was a reoccuring theme that didnt feel like it was meant to be repeated. But other then that, the imagery really pushed emotion and at the same described the surroundings and setting.
Your word choice was well placed in my opinion. A few placed I'd re-structure sentence but still really good in most places.

I like this guys. Your styles are different but flow together really well. I dig guys, I dig.
I'm posting a new drop tonight for yall to hit so feel free!

[Dayvid Aimz]

This was a cool collab first off....Your styles obviously blended well.
Jonathan seems to be swept away in this like subliminal/abstract phase and though I lose some of his meanings its like he's becoming so much more creative.....

lay me, my poems,
I hope you find pieces of me.
This salty pigeon,
flying at wind speed,
corked to perfection.
Sailing by moonlit skies,
these lines were just beautiful....gave me a mental picture.

great structure and flow....I loved the imagery in the lines above.

I didn't see any real technical flaws....Thanks for this read.

[Jon]

thanks uppin

[Ebolorama]

thanks.. up

[Soule]

Reading this piece in a slower, almost Jazz tone of voice. I was able to carry out a nice flow with how you worded your lines. It sounded pretty cool as a Spoken Word type joint. Wording wasn't complex, but it was on the right trail. The imagery in this poem was real nice, very descriptive. Nom'd. Good job fellas.

[Jon]

thanks up