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Thread: Welcome to Heartbreak

  1. #1
    -Camera Kisses- P. Mortuus's Avatar
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    Welcome to Heartbreak

    A singular tree, its oak long ago tainted;
    coated with the shrapnel’s of war
    Indented tattoos of young love; so sure
    now a lost couple with different surnames;
    Yet the tree stood the test of time;
    and it passed with abysmal grades
    Still… a pass is a pass; so proud it bloomed
    only to have it's parade rained upon
    by detracting bystanders;
    Snickering at the very sight of a smile
    for a smile is a form of alienation
    as this crowd contains the lovers of gloom;
    Shadowed eyes with artificial hair;
    Coloured ashen, others supported matte black;
    Standing as outsiders to the daily matinee of life.

    As I walked through the valley of death
    shoulders hunched and my back bent
    crawling; ever so quite; I hardly breathed;
    to make sure I didn’t attract any attention
    For these vultures wait to swoop down
    and feed upon the very essence of mine.
    Claiming their words as facts
    the facets of these people; each so different.
    One side was mock support
    whilst the other conjured plans of my downfall;
    And the left hand held a dagger
    whilst the right was crooked
    forming what was once an embrace.

    Sipping upon my own blood; marveled
    by it’s deep scarlet hue, I thought blood was crimson;
    Maybe the hemoglobin carried polluted oxygen;
    Which caused a chemical reaction
    with the wine that coloured my flawed pigmentation;
    Dripping ever so slowly off my chin, as my beard
    was coated by an alcoholic’s whim;
    I was once a man…so full of life and so sure;
    now an ailing shell,
    And my soul died as it couldn’t find its cure.



    Welcome to Heartbreak.

  2. #2

  3. #3
    Respect the shooter Orc's Avatar
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    Re: Welcome to Heartbreak

    first off, i want to apologize for the no-show. i've not net, i'm in college now though so there's free wi-fi. i'll feed as i go along;
    first stanza, i just noticed how good your wording in, the shrapnel of war stuff was great. the tattoo/writing your name on the oak line was a cool metaphor. second stanza; your opening line was cliché but it drew me in so i can't complain tbh. i think you meant to say quiet, the wording was a little awkward in the 2nd and 3rd lines.

    For these vultures wait to swoop down
    and feed upon the very essence of mine.
    the second line here doesn't make sense grammatically mate, watch out for that.

    And the left hand held a dagger
    whilst the right was crooked
    forming what was once an embrace.
    haha, super image here. really good way of conveying your meaning.

    last stanza started off really good, the blood segment was great. i didn't like the alcohol flip, but the imagery/wording/wittyness throughout made for a really good read. i'd appreciate it if you returned the feed..
    LOL

  4. #4
    as ain't Jamhuri's Avatar
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    Re: Welcome to Heartbreak

    the thing that stood out most for me is your vocabulary. They aint long difficult words, but rarely-used-in-conversation great sounding.
    Sipping upon my own blood; marveled
    by it’s deep scarlet hue, I thought blood was crimson;
    Maybe the hemoglobin carried polluted oxygen;
    worth pointing out.
    i liked this man.

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