i'm over you. [literally]

[Compton.]

Burden [Before *]
Compton [After *]

sorry i took so long.

i had to pick up my
eyes from the dry-cleaners.
i'm over you,
only in the literal sense.
i'd breathe new life
into our relationship
if you could breathe any
into me.
lips brush against
thin air,
my kissing is
as bad as you said.
i cut myself with my
sharp tongue,
just to pretend i
still bleed.

you sleep the same,
with your button nose
crunched up like
used wrapping paper.
the duvet falls just below
your arched back,
teasing me like you
used to.
i made the wrong choice.

come wallow in my
self-pity.

release

me

please.

you don't feel
the same,
but at least you feel.
i'm a ghost to you,
a distortion of reality.
just a whisper on
the wind.
so faint you refuse to
believe i'm here.
if i'm a recipe
for love,
then you're on a diet.
a tablespoon of contempt
with a pinch of regret.
i hover above you,
an invisible helicopter.
stripped of life
naked,
all soul like marvin gaye.

doomed to be with
the one i love
forever.

*

ironic.
i never had enough
time for you,
once upon a moon.
now i got it
by the bundle, tied to you,
wrapped together by
clouds of regret and misery.
you could have it,
if only.

i wish
we could have meshed
like we can now.
there were always
triangles in our circles;
so i hope things
have now straightened out
between the two of us.

why am i inside you,
yet feeling no pleasure?
you always were luke-warm,
but he was a cunt,
and i still shiver at
the thought of it.
gather around THE fire
children, it's currently
six feet
under.
dig deep enough,
and i promise you'll feel
my story.

i'm sorry. really.
i always did pale in
comparison to your soliloquies,
caged away from your
love. love. love.
now take that dosage
of emotion,
and put it into literal terms.
guess how i'm feeling for
once.

[Compton.]

the pigeon has the linkxzs k?

[Orc]

http://www.rapbattles.com/forum/show...ca-383549.html
http://www.rapbattles.com/forum/show...re-383723.html

v/legends, k?

[Martyr-]

i'll feed.

[Ebolorama]

i cut myself with my
sharp tongue,
just to pretend i
still bleed.

I liked the imagery in these couple of lines and the wording was really well put.

so faint you refuse to
believe i'm here.
if i'm a recipe
for love,
then you're on a diet.

This had good emotion and it really shows. I really like the comparison

by the bundle, tied to you,
wrapped together by
clouds of regret and misery.
you could have it,
if only.

This displayed good emotion Comp. nice description.

Overall I think that this was a good collab and that both of your styles really complimented each other very well. I think that parts could have been worded better but decent drop guys

[Martyr-]

sorry i took so long.

i had to pick up my
eyes from the dry-cleaners.
i'm over you,
only in the literal sense.
i'd breathe new life
into our relationship
if you could breathe any
into me.
lips brush against
thin air,
my kissing is
as bad as you said.
i cut myself with my
sharp tongue,
just to pretend i
still bleed.

Some pieces of this stanza could have been left out. However, there are a couple of lines here that I really liked. I really enjoyed the bit about breathing new life and the dry-cleaners part. Normally I would tell you that it was a bit abstract, and you should have turn it into a similie/metaphor, but you made it fit perfectly, and I can't take away from that.

you sleep the same,
with your button nose
crunched up like
used wrapping paper.
the duvet falls just below
your arched back,
teasing me like you
used to.
i made the wrong choice.

Eh, wrapping paper similie is a bit cliche, but still effective here. The subtle image of the arched back, and you providing the emotion you felt when seeing it so was what saved this stanza. Nothing big, but captivating none the less.

come wallow in my
self-pity.

You should consider using a different verb than wallow. It's too abstract.

release

me

please.

you don't feel
the same,
but at least you feel.
i'm a ghost to you,
a distortion of reality.
just a whisper on
the wind.
so faint you refuse to
believe i'm here.
if i'm a recipe
for love,
then you're on a diet.
a tablespoon of contempt
with a pinch of regret.
i hover above you,
an invisible helicopter.
stripped of life
naked,
all soul like marvin gaye.

doomed to be with
the one i love
forever.

These lines are iffy. They're too abstract and that in itself makes it feel corny and unrealistic. Not all of them, some are quite nice. But I don't like the invisible helicopter line nor the diet line. A distortion of reality line was quite nice though.

Props, quite a nice poem you have here compton.

*

ironic.
i never had enough
time for you,
once upon a moon.
now i got it
by the bundle, tied to you,
wrapped together by
clouds of regret and misery.
you could have it,
if only.

'Now I got it by the bundle.' That was effective. It was a nice way to show you have enough.. maybe more than enough. I think you should have left 'clouds of' out of this stanza.

i wish
we could have meshed
like we can now.
there were always
triangles in our circles;
so i hope things
have now straightened out
between the two of us.

I like the double play of triangles/circles.. nice, bro. This was a nice stanza, probally the best of the poem thus far. Not much to really critique here, I think it's best left as is, for now.

why am i inside you,
yet feeling no pleasure?
you always were luke-warm,
but he was a cunt,
and i still shiver at
the thought of it.
gather around THE fire
children, it's currently
six feet
under.
dig deep enough,
and i promise you'll feel
my story.

This stanza was way to abstract, to me. It again made it unrealistic. I mean, by now you guy's are thinking I hate abstract stuff, but when a piece is as serious as this, I think you should avoid it. Nice stanza though, cool subtle details.

i'm sorry. really.
i always did pale in
comparison to your soliloquies,
caged away from your
love. love. love.
now take that dosage
of emotion,
and put it into literal terms.
guess how i'm feeling for
once.

'guess how i'm feeling for once.' << The perfect ending, couldn't have said it better myself.

Overall, fella's, this piece was pretty nice. There were quite a few lines that really caught my attention, and overall I was throughly enjoyed! Probally HoF worthy, but i'm not one to nom.. we'll let dagel do it.

[Tactixx]

nice guys.....this went very well together...your styles meshed beautifully, the insightful lines were very nice....the story-telling was vivid enough in most parts...ending line was really nice too... this verse really stuck out to me...

i wish
we could have meshed
like we can now.
there were always
triangles in our circles;
so i hope things
have now straightened out
between the two of us.

good job again....nice piece... :}-~

[Soule]

Alright, the imagery and emotion in this piece were FAR beyond my expectations. This was one of the most original and most oldschool poems I've read in a VERY long time guys. The wording was really well set and I loved the metaphores you two used. That Marvin Gaye stanza from Burden was fucking RAW man. And Lecomp with his pleasure stanza was brutal! That's really all I have to say, classic poem right here boys. Keep up the amazing work, if it's not already.. NOM'D.

[Ntalek]

word this piece was pretty unique froma metaphorical standpoint and I cant really quote anything that hasn't already been quote so therefore i wont...I thought oh hai ize tj opened this one up with some stunning imagery I mean the drycleaners line was dopeness as was that marvin gay line...I just thought you really brought a different approach as far as wording in this piece and it worked well..Compton I thought added that sort of raw emotion and he also conjuered up a few great glimpses of imagery I thought that his wording was good and meshed well with oh hai ize tj's..all in all damn good drop and worth the nom...RTF pls, k..

http://www.rapbattles.com/forum/show...us-384827.html

[Orc]

thanks man.

[Soule]

http://www.rapbattles.com/forum/show...es-385824.html

Return the Favor please?