My Pride & My Lies

[Alphaeus]

My Pride & My Lies
by stock


Putrid vile oxygen that she cachets,
flicked orifice that should be sewn shut.
My heart visas recoil,
a torment in my chest always exists.
Twisting violently composing my every evanescence,
an agonizing torture of my hub.
My roar comes in the quantity of a bull,
I satisfy what I vowed to decimate.

Is it because I imagine,
slipping from the sidewalk into pressing traffic
with circuit beams on green;
I detest mercy let alone comfort in the concluding
shot of dry vodka.

So how do I feel today?
I prepared a short list of words.

I am fucking fine

Does that make it help?
It should since it's what you expected
to hear repelled from my lips.
With my fumes laced in alcohol
you had driven down my throat.
Literally, go load the gun
for today, I possess no difficulty firing the bullets;
the 40. Cal indicates upwards to my cranium.
I crave the bullet to become pierced in my eye socket,
so the flash reflected from the shell case
displays what a loathsome bitch you are.

Psycho slut you’re too much

I am no longer the hunter,
I claim now the hunted.
Cycled into the vermin which should be shot,
before he can devour on the blood of an adversary.
An assailant equable like you,
your diseased crown will not repose until
I furthermore anatomize my blissful existence
into an abiding nightmare.
A nightmare where I bury myself with my deeds,
condemned forever in a dilapidated tomb.

Flowers in bloom, settle on the deceased,
cyanide laced, but honourable;
if perhaps I stay put with an ounce of
emanation absented in me.
You spit venom in the anterior of my affection;
I thrust the silver embedded in a wolf’s heart.

Come inside my prison cell tonight,
Discern me shading crimson on the roots,
and guessing my own fate by
drawing images that convey my divine ending.
A vision of blood from conception that,
abides inside to choke the vitality out of my life.
I would square dance on your grave!
I’ve already picked out the shades that will
be included in your funeral spray.
I laugh, you are going to die!
And I am not...

Oh woman, oh woman
the fatal loving fruit that will
be picked and plucked by my hand.
The horrid mask you leave on my body;
the disgusting veil genes we share.

Oh mother, oh mother.
Every man has a cross to unsheathe
and you are mine.
You are breaking my back.

Good evening, I am a man to disgusted to show his face.

My Pride & My Lies
but today,
My lies out weight my pride.

[Alphaeus]

http://www.rapbattles.com/forum/show...er-384172.html
http://www.rapbattles.com/forum/show...me-384805.html

[Alphaeus]

Any feedback please

[Ntalek]

Wow..you have elevated very quickly..this piece is proof...your word choice was brillant throughout and your vocab really added an extra touch...not to OTT though in some spots it did seem that way but you brought all together so that the reader wasn't overwhelmed with vocabulary...I thought you took some interesting routes on some of the descriptions you gave...but that was in a good way..there were a ton of quoteable imagery lines that I could pull out..that sliver wolf heart line was one of em..the laced alcohol driven lines were another..all in all I thought you did a great job on this piece in all aspects..i was thinkin this was going to be a long drawn out read when in all actuality it was more entertaining than anything..all in all great drop..i really enjoyed the read and NOM'D..

[Werd]

this shit was illenn for real, loved the word choicage, and it was just so raw.. bomb ass imagery through out.. not really anything bad to say about this one, good way to represent Violent Words.. and i agree with this being nom'd

RTF on my poem Repitition bro..

[Spoken Deity]

this is dope for sure...
You really had some intelligent imagery in here. Like, you had stanzas that were just PURE gold. The metaphors and similes used were really deep but not so abstract that I was confused and asking what the fuck. They painted the picture, brought out emotion, and kept the narrative going. I'd say this is by far your best piece. Your imagery just simply rocked. There is a place or 2 i'd re-word, but it didnt take away from anything.
Your directon was really cool aswell... Although the story isnt original, the devices and concepts used to display the story were very original.
ONE THING I WILL SAY... Edit, copy, paste this into word and check that spelling.Those errors fucked up the reading...Trust me, get the spelling done and you gotta dope drop.
i'd nom it myself

[Ace of Aces]

Standout verse of the piece:

Oh mother, oh mother.
Every man has a cross to unsheathe
and you are mine.
You are breaking my back.

You started complex from the get go and sort of simplified things as you went on. I thought that made for a interesting technique and for the sake of your story did a good job in framing this piece of work well. The vocabulary remained on the higher level for the most part and it did sort of add depth to the speaker's emotions and suggest that this kind of thing has been bothering the person for quite some time. Considering that this is a poem between mother and son, it makes perfect sense in the end.

great job overall.

Keep it up homie.

[AlphaMetric]

this is sick... not used to poetry cau it usually bore the fuck out of me, but this kept me interested till the end... the was alot of vocab i didnt know about tho cauz im not used to poetic words... but as you got farther into it, it became understandable, i like how you put this, even with so many words i didnt go look for def, i still find the concept very clear and the oh women and oh mother finished this real nicely... certainly alot of clever concepts and shit... good read and good job

[Spoken]

this was very fuckin ill man i loved your use of wordz and shit man...come on yiu have elevated very fast and i love that shit man....i know you listent to your critique and i know you are a person wanting to elevate.... your words in this was sorta disturbed... but it didnt really take away from the piece that much....but the rest of this in talent wise was fuckin bomb my friend... you had a very subtle content approach but it was strong still and your vocab assortion was well presented and the way the words flowed through was with a vibe nice shit man...keep it up!

[Alphaeus]

Thanks to all for the feedback and nominations

[Ebolorama]

I think that I have seen this picture done before. Oh its the Laguna Coil cd cover right? Sorry that i didnt return the feed on this earlier man I was busy writing as shit. i think that this would be a very sick spoken word piece man. I think that your voice would probably go good with the feel of it. I know that i havent heard it but by looking at your pic I think that it would be in order. The emotion in this was just amazing and the way that everything was said came off real nice! i loved this read man. I'm def nom'ing this! We will have to hook up on a drop again foo!

[Uben. Pwnd]

Stock my comrade, I must say this was an elegant piece of literature.
It was brillantly written with such intellect that I had to re-read at certain points to make sure I understood it. The picture of Lacuna coil I've never seen done, and after seeing the way you wrote to it. All I can say is noone will be able to top this piece in terms of what the content and how you wrote it. The emotions were so strong man, I was shocked that it was that deep, and I'm ever more impressed everytime I read a poem by you.
I'm glad this is Nom'd because you deserve it very much for this piece.
Goodjob my friend.
I can't critique a verse that's relatively perfect.

[Dekken]

wow dude, this one dope, u had great vocab on this great flow, even though it didnt rhyme it was great flow, this peice didnt need to rhyme, u have a really good descriptive type of wordplay going on here,

I am no longer the hunter,
I claim now the hunted.
Cycled into the vermin which should be shot,
before he can devour on the blood of an adversary.

that was a nice set of lines, shows how u r the now the hunted, in a great desriptive way.

Come inside my prison cell tonight,
Discern me shading crimson on the roots,
and guessing my own fate by
drawing images that convey my divine ending.

thats prolly my fav, shows to me how ur rotting and still expressing urself in urself.
this was a really nice drop, u got skillz brotha...

[Alphaeus]

Thanks Apex. Upping for more feedback please

[Prince Escobar]

Maybe i'm from the old school but I actually thought this was an average piece. It was marred by vocab that, at times, it didn't seem even you understood. In particular, in the last stanza when you said "we all have a cross to unsheathe" I took it that you meant "cross to bare" but unsheathe is used to describe daggers/swords, like a scabbard, so it didn't really make sense though I knew what you were saying. In addition to that while I feel like you did an okay job at imagery, at times your diction and use of uncommon or cliche words hampered that as well. The shining spot in the piece in my opinion was your emotion, though the topic isn't new, the way you were able to express some of the emotions in the piece did provide a bit of a personal touch.

Overall, I think you should be appreciative of the praise but IMO this piece highlights the improvements you need to make. Elevation is key, 1luv.