for the moon, with abiona.

[Orc]

for the moon

champion of darkness
i long to
creep inside your head
marinate in your thoughts
until they
seep into my subconscious

i want to understand
what makes you tick
read the fundamentals
of your story
trace the maps of your journey
so i know the direction
from which to approach you

King,
i've never been intrigued like this before
i want to write you like
science fiction
send our bodies to outerspace
and birth new civilizations
from our union
i want to
boldy go
where no woman has before
get lost in the caverns of your mind
and recline on secrets
you have never shared

just open the door
and i will gladly cross the threshold
trade in reality
to exist solely as your fantasy
a single star
stuck in orbit around your sleeping frame
shining my light as a reminder
that you are never alone.

____

as buzz aldrin
imprinted himself in history,
i left wary footprints
upon your soul.
for if the eagle has landed,
when shall we fly again?

Queen,
i've never been afraid,
defender of light
flushed cheeks and warm
skin,
satisfied with our late night
escapades through the surreal
land of togetherness.
i need you to
claw at my frailties
until they scab and harden
break down these invisible fences,
partition has never worked
throughout history.

my mouth opens
and closes, choking
on promises of a former pact.
held back by past deeds,
i'm jacob marley.

escapism,
zipping up my suit
inhaling personal oxygen - you,
i am a voyager exploring the abyss
that is your soul.
cupping personal mountains
between each hand,

i am edmund hilary
i am a knight
i am a god

i am nothing.

longing to trespass upon your world
acquainting myself
with every nook and cranny,
running clumsy fingers over
glowing skin
which croons at my touch,
it's morning song
as sweet as the nightingales lullaby.

i pray,
do not tell me
of your hopes and dreams
as differences quiver
between us like a musical
note carried by the breeze.
this moment should be set in diamond,
sparkling forever,
allowing lovers and friends
to glimpse at perfection.
as civilisation beckons i
leave,
somebody has to be judas.

[Orc]

http://www.rapbattles.com/forum/show...ed-387511.html

[Ebolorama]

Who was who is my big question? I thought that this piece was dope and I enjoyed the whole read very much. It started off with some very nice dark imagery and it it only seemed to progress from stanza to stanza. I felt that the content of this piece was very original and that made it have a certain appeal to it which I liked a lot! The imagery and detail was amazing in the first half I enjoyed that read the most. I really liked the last two stanzas of the second drop. I felt that they had a certain fire to them that just ending the collab perfectly! Overall this was an amazing drop by two great poets. nice job fam!

[Spoken]

loved the whole thing. it was beautiful and straight emotional. i love the hear tin this and the whole take. your contents were great and let me guess abi is the second verse?...it just felt more like her. i loved how it was dark and a bit lke wild but also still soft spoken. i really liked how this came about and your diction and direction was straight forward as well. glad this was nominated cause it is well deserved.

[Orc]

thx. feed returned.

[Alphaeus]

Well this was very nice gentleman & lady.
I guessing first was Burden, the opening was very strong and you opened with some nice imagery, it was dark and very poetic, I loved it.
The next section was great and it flowed nicely brother, and the talk of direction worked very well and I liked that line a lot.
Things just got better from there really, your wording was well thought out and you had a lot of great ideas that you threw in to the mix.
This ending was fantastic,

just open the door
and i will gladly cross the threshold
trade in reality
to exist solely as your fantasy
a single star
stuck in orbit around your sleeping frame
shining my light as a reminder
that you are never alone.

Abiona, you really put me as the character here, your imagery was so vivid and detailed it was awesome to read. Your opening was great and I really liked the line that the eagle landing, really well but your imagery always stands out in my opinion.
Your wording and description was awesome, really grabbed me from the start and I liked everything you put down, you ended it perfectly. This is brilliant…

i am edmund hilary
i am a knight
i am a god

i am nothing.

[Orc]

thx man. upping for feed from compton.

[Compton.]

fucks sake, fine! cuntface. i'm too lazy to do this, but sincei got an english exam tomorrow i guess i can call this revision or something useless like that.

anyways, i'd like to let every feeder know that so far they have ALL been wrong. abi is first, while burden is second. how do i know? cos i'm a fucking genius who can tell the differences between genders, like:

where no woman has before

PROBABLY means that it's a female writing that, and i'm pretty sure abi is the female in this duo. also, the two writing styles are completely different and recognisable, which of course is a positive - i can tell who you are just by your unique writing styles.

anyways, to the feed!

abi, i think your first stanza had some cool thoughts behind it, but the wording made it read a little bit awkward. the last three lines were kinda jerky, and considering the fact that these were probably the main focus of the opening i think they should be tweaked a bit more. the 'marinate in your thoughts' was cool, but 'until they seep into my subconscious' was the part that kind of threw me off.

transition into the second stanza was cool, shifting from the personas mind and into the other character. a stronger statement here to say the least. the whole mapping out the characters past to set out the course for the future is great in my opinion, and now i'm really starting to get a grasp of the concept, and what you're talking about in general. now for more...

i ain't sure the vocative 'king' was needed at the start here. it doesn't take anything away from the poem, but it doesn't add any necessary information either. it was just like dead weight. then though, the whole sci fi lexis comes into play and to good effect, reinforcing the whole idea of love as a science mixed in with raw emotion. sidenote, fuck star trek . the one part of this stanza i do love in particular is the 'reclining on secrets', making the secrets seem like a concrete noun rather than an abstract - something that YOU, the persona, can actually touch and relate to. omg. maybe i'm looking too deep but that was sweet as fuck.

the ending just tops it off nicely, fair play. not a lot i can say on that. nicely done...
halfway there, and onto burdens!

ok, nice, you picked up exactly where abi left off. continuing the space thing was nicely done, and some nice imagery with the footprints on the soul. again though, why the last two lines? i don't see them really needed, they just seemed so out of place at this point.

i still think the vocatives ain't really needed. yeah, king and queen, blah. makes the poem seem more cliche more than anything else... in a poem centered around space, the nouns king and queen just seem so... left field. maybe i'm missing the purpose, but that's my eye haha. i'm liking the fact you brough up the 'defender of light', playing off the idea of abi BEING the light. like, she'll shine so you can defend it. nicely done.

roflz @ jacob marley.

right, back on the sci fi tip. oxygen masks?! niiiice. i think you pulled off the idea of exploring the soul better than abi did marinating in the thoughts to be honest... they're both the same concept, but i think your one was more acceptable and poetic.

the next 4 lines do kinda give a bit more character to the persona. like, it gives a better idea of what's going on inside the characters head, because instead of focussing on the OTHER character, they're talking about THEMSELF, which is a nice mood shift and kinda slows the poem down, giving the reader more time to think about what's actually going on.

ok, so next, the other persons body is being described as a planet. not the most unique idea, but i think you executed it well enough to be considered a fresh stanza. uhh.. yeah, that's that one.

ahh i don't understand this ending?! we was all futuristic all the way through the poem, why did we end it on an old religion? explain moar pls.



overall, a nice read with some pretty cool concepts. i like the way you both played off each others ideas and kept onto the one subject throughout the whole thing (except the end, lawl). fanx, k?!

[Orc]

great feed. thx.

[Jamhuri]

as civilisation beckons i
leave,
somebody has to be judas.

DAMN. Feels good to come back once in a while and read things like this.
you guys killed the moon concept. Im feeling it.

[Orc]

thanks bro.

[Orc]

bump for the lulz

[Compton.]

i lulz'd uncontrollably on your command