We

[Jon]

We

We sit like dogs are taught –
alone right beside our thoughts.
I reach for help so subtle;
there's no hand left to hold...
Every promise is just a wish,
& another penny poorly spent.

We are so indifferent,
my darkness to your bright –
Like suns & moons,
through our days & nights...

We act as we're supposed to,
our characters clash on stage –
"I love you" erased from scripts,
& a tear for every page;
a Romeo without Juliet's lips...

We are merely animals,
& your soul is a beast.
With speech so weak;
the bark is never worse than the bite.

We could never be;
together
but we'll forever see,
this birth of a mockery.
Shocking? Electric –
your strikes are a lot
like a bolt of lightning.
There's always shame,
&
thunder after the pain.

Words are spoke only after the matter,
tell me everything; it's confidential,
but – she never really trusted her counselor.
I could just drop her back off where I found her,
the bottom, but I think the fall would kill her.

After the thunder, comes rain –
this awkward storm; so many twists
it'd make a tornado jealous.
Hail is hell.
Dropping unexpected bombs.
Separating truth from lies;
searching for gold –
but always reduced to dirt in my shaker table.

We have so many memories;
the good & the bad,
the happy & sad,
the best & the worst.
But you'd like to trade;
better for worse,
so I'll keep them to myself.

We were always –
we; all day.
Just you & me,
oceans of emotions;
seas of leaves,
until this day
autumn has yet to come.

But, you are you;
and I am me...

So, without a question we;
no –
Me

I will find an answer.


Written By: Jonathon

[Jon]

http://www.rapbattles.com/forum/show...no-394895.html
http://www.rapbattles.com/forum/show...ry-395048.html

[Orc]

ok i'm posting here so i can edit w. feed when i come back from the 7/11.

[Soule]

Alright, to be completely honest dude. I felt this started of flawlessly. The first three stanzas had magnificent flow.. the wording was great.. the emotion blew me away and the imagery was oustanding. But then, the flow started getting slower and less rhyme based. Which set a different tone out of nowhere. Did I like it? Not as much, but it still kept my attention with your imagery and wording. I loved the concept all together. And feel this is one of your better poems.. keep writing. Nominated.

[Token]

We could never be;
together
but we'll forever see,
this birth of a mockery.
Shocking? Electric –
your strikes are a lot
like a bolt of lightning.
There's always shame,
&
thunder after the pain.

Words are spoke only after the matter,
tell me everything; it's confidential,
but – she never really trusted her counselor.
I could just drop her back off where I found her,
the bottom, but I think the fall would kill her


This was incredible. I loved it, seriously

I like how you brought the emotions together, and at the right time distributed a different level of emotion. It blended well together and was easy to understand. It was a good flip and I liked the ending. I agree with Soule in the regard that towards the end your flow did slip a bit, but you kept it alive with great imagery.

[Jon]

Thanks for the feed. Hitting up your other piece Token, and Soule leave a link...

[topher]

alrite, i think you definitely nailed the emotional part here, which i felt you had plenty of. the imagery was also on point, though i had to read it twice to get an understanding of it haha. and i felt the way you ended the piece was pretty sweet too. i kinda feel theres not that much to critique here. but here are some parts i enjoyed that i re-read,

"We act as we're supposed to,
our characters clash on stage –
"I love you" erased from scripts,
& a tear for every page;
a Romeo without Juliet's lips..."

"Words are spoke only after the matter,
tell me everything; it's confidential,
but – she never really trusted her counselor.
I could just drop her back off where I found her,
the bottom, but I think the fall would kill her."

[HighEngineChief]

This was Dope Jon. I liked how you put the emotions together with vibrant wordplay and language, those two were definatly the culprit that murdered this piece, real dope. The long storm metaphore was done nicely and gave the story alot of momentum. Unfortunatly I have no criticism to give you on this piece, I thought it was one of your better works I've seen since I've been back. Hopefully we'll see each other soon in IE, it'll be a dope fuckin match up. All around dope piece with great imagery and subtle puns that didn't over do it but still conveyed the point. Dope.


Hit up FATE in OM, it's a long one so drop two more links to anything and I'll feed them.
One

[Jon]

Dope Thanks guys.

[Jon]

Uppin for a few more comments?

[Orc]

hey. sorry i took so long, but i just been busy. i hear ur girlfriend pregnant now.. how far along is she? haha, but naa.. anyway. i liked this piece. the range of feelings you conveyed impressed me, you made me think about my own love & problems we've had in the past and as a reader that's all you can strive to do, you know? the wording was nice for the most part, although it stumbled a few times due to too much punctuation.

I could just drop her back off where I found her,
the bottom, but I think the fall would kill her.

that was beautifully executed, it caught me unexpected. dope shit man. i wasn't a fan of the last stanza personally, it wasn't really smooth enough. oh and i liked the thunder after the pain couplet that was great too. overall a nice poem.

[Jon]

thanks, your talking about bell...

not me

i dont get bitches preg

[Orc]

lmao it was from 'stan'

[Vince]

We act as we're supposed to,
our characters clash on stage –
"I love you" erased from scripts,
& a tear for every page;
a Romeo without Juliet's lips...

This wa smy favorite stanza cause at this part you kinda started sprinkling in some metaphor to the piece, I was really feeling the tone and the language used.

In ways I feel the piece was simple and the thought you were trying to convey wasn't too extravagant or whatever.....it was still a nice read

pz and stay up Jon.

[Rebell]

Every promise is just a wish,

& a tear for every page;
a Romeo without Juliet's lips...

Dropping unexpected bombs.
Separating truth from lies;

^nice.

I liked your poem, i wont comment much cause i'm not that good it at myself, but...
It was just an enjoyable peace to read, something to feel good while reading. I can't say much just, maybe at the end you could have played some better word play.
Anyways GJ.